RACQUELBALAOAS.COM

Decisions, decisions...

2010-04-06T02:05:00.000+08:00

Pacing back and forth, restless
Eyes unable to resist looking
underneath her bed, a long abandoned secret
slowly walks toward it, then quickly backs away

an invitation to temptation
took a lot of courage to even start to fight
winning in the beginning,
in the end unable to tame a rebel heart

should she
walk out with shame for attempting to relive old depravities?
or
retrieve the torn pages she refuse to get rid of
because the haunting of the past she seems to enjoy?

There is no more miserable human being than one in whom nothing is habitual but indecision.

-- William James (1842 - 1910)

The Week's Premium Mix

2010-03-28T21:24:00.000+08:00

Success, one ingrown toenail at a time...

Thursday, 25th of March, was a special day for me at the clinic. I had a patient with bilateral ingrowing toenails. Usually, I only play as an assistant to the health provider for the toenail removal surgery, handing tools or dabbing oozing blood. However, that day, I was given the chance by CPT Bellamy to do the entire surgery by myself -- from injecting anesthesia to yanking out the whole toenail out of the patient's big toe.

Doing the procedure made me feel proud of myself. However, the best thing about that day is the fact that the doctor trusted in me that I can do it, and I feel that I met her expectations. I can be proud of myself of my own achievement, brag about it until all my Facebook friends have been notified that my career may bloom into something bigger in the future. But it is the quiet approvals, the silent taps on the back which really matter to me. Success tastes sweeter not when you loudly declared it to the people around the world, but when the world finds a way to whisper to your ear, "You're almost there... keep on going"

Thanks, CPT Bellamy!

Simple is Genius

I wish people can go back to being simple. I am not talking about having small dreams or producing inferior ideas. I am thinking of something that of a child's thoughts -- great because it is simple, unadulterated. I wish we can be more easily contented, but not in a way that we shun away from necessary improvements. By simple I mean appreciation of what is really beautiful, wanting just enough, recognizing truth and keeping it pure. I wish people would let go of their insecurities, inspire other people to do great... in short, do what feels right even if you're struggling, too, to fight your own demons.

Isn't it funny how simple sounds so easy, but if you look inside yourself and tell yourself that you should try it, a big part of you would explain how impractical it is. That's the problem, simple is hard to put into practice when at stake is your own interests.

For now, simple is just a dream. For now, we shall call it "ideals".

Retaso

2010-03-07T12:55:00.000+08:00

Retaso

In a neighborhood where poverty resides – the poor and jobless involve themselves in unproductive activities such as small talks about other people’s businesses. My grandma was one of the few who refused to partake in what she deemed as “unhealthy and damaging” practice and did something fruitful with her time instead.

My mother, who worked in the Middle East for 20 years, gave my Lola a sewing machine. While my mom’s working overseas, it was my grandma who took care of us. When I was a kid, around 5 or 6, I watched her bring in a bag of “retasos” or scrap fabrics from the alteration/tailor shop. These tiny pieces of cloth were sewn together by my lola to make blankets and shorts for us. The other kids would often laugh at me and my cousins because everybody can tell that we’re wearing something that weren’t bought from clothing stores.Sometimes, the left side will be longer than the other, and of course, the obvious hodge-podge of fabrics and colors. There will be a tinge of embarrassment, but I would still wear them because without them we’ll be walking around naked.

The blankets, although weren’t thick enough to fully protect us from the chill brought by the wet season, were used until I left that place in Makati where I grew up. I didn’t have a bed so I slept on the floor covered by that blanket. I treasured those blankets because of the little comfort it provided. Little is something, and something is always better than nothing.

Little is rarely appreciated nowadays. The lesson I learned from my experience is not that we have to appreciate these so-called “little things”, but to develop and value the ability to appreciate. When you appreciate, you see the importance of one thing and try to put it into use. You become creative. Like the way my grandma appreciated the stuff other people have already conceived as garbage. It still amazes me how I learned so much from a person who wasn’t fortunate enough to obtain education. For me, it takes a great mind and strength of character to refuse to take the path usually travelled by the underprivileged that care less about morals and more about where their next meal is coming from.

Amidst the challenges of poverty, over-all I believe I grew up a happy person. I looked at my childhood photos, and saw that even in shots where were supposed to look serious, I was making all these crazy, funny faces. My older cousin even told me one time that on weekends, I would even ask them if it’s already time to change for school, excited, although I was only given bread and water whenever I go to school. Like my Lola, I never craved for the comforts money can bring. I will put steamed rice in my coffee at times we don’t have anything to eat. I was OK about it, because my lola made it look like it is nothing to be ashamed of.

I notice that people who know how to appreciate receive an increasing flow of blessings. At first it’s a trickle, progresses into a shower and then later turn into a heavy downpour. We appreciate what we had. Now, we have so much more.

If you have access to the basic human necessities and still feel deprived, there’s nothing wrong with the world. It is your lack of appreciation of things that truly matter that hinders you to be happy. It is never too late to gather your retasos and put them together.

Down, Dance, Up, Dance

2010-02-28T18:38:00.000+08:00

Down, Dance, Up, Dance

For 23 years now, I have dealt and still dealing with people who are hard to get along with. Rude people in particular, how did they get to that point where it is easy for them to say something so inconsiderate to another? And why do I always seem to be bothered by this, when two decades seem long enough for me to get used to the unnecessary remarks?

Mean people are unavoidable, they are always going to be around you. Their attitudes were shaped by the people they have been with and the kind of environment they grew up on. To some people, they may not be as bad as I think they are. They are beloved children, parents, friends of people who care for them. I realized that our differences in principles is the one to blame for the gap. My reaction was caused by my desire not to widen this gap. I am bothered because while I was trying to build a bridge, the person on the other end is trying to burn it. A futile effort, a waste of time, and a wake up call to kill my ideals that keep my faith in humanity alive.

I could not understand why, the moment it happened and hours after a conflict, my mind was still occupied with questions of where did I go wrong and what are the steps to set things right. Then I go home, let the quietness of my surrounding hear the inquiries of my heart. We made a deal that if I temporarily deposit these negative thoughts in my head right now to Him, He will give me answers.

I wake up with utmost serenity, I almost forget about my troubles with certain people. I feel the day is so packed with awaiting opportunities that there was no time to think about the person who couldn't get them. Then there was the answer -- maybe those people who carry their burdens with them do not wake up the same way I do, and chances are, they died a long time ago even before they started to live their life.

When you're down, dance. When you're up, dance. You could still hear the music, the others don't anymore.

HHC 2-227 Docs and Medics

2010-02-10T05:52:00.000+08:00

2010, Here They Are...

2010-01-22T19:03:00.004+08:00

Some people may think that this is too late for this: new year's resolutions. I know, I know, January's almost over, but hey, it is never too late to change for the better. I gave myself ample time to think of items to include on my list: things to keep, change, get, and get rid of.

Things to Keep

1. My dedication to a healthy lifestyle

This current body physique I have right now, although not perfect, is a big improvement from how I was two years ago. It was the end product of discipline and motivation, two things which are hard to develop in one's self. Saying NO to the ubiquitous temptations around me is hard but trust me, it is easier to continue a healthy lifestyle than to start from the beginning all over again.

2. Growing Up

I don't proclaim to be a good person, but I do think I've done a pretty good job on the character area. The past year didn't witness any deliberate act to damage people's reputation or feelings from me. Or even if it did, those were moments where I have no control over the situation. I hate it when that happens, but I hate myself more because those unfavorable circumstances showed my selfish side. However, I think the ability to recognize your own fault is a sign of maturity. I learn, I move on.

3. Friends and Family

As days pass by, they accumulate into years, and the next time you know, these years are not just mere cycles of day and night, but a tool that can burn bridges. Time permits a person to change, and changes bring opportunities or otherwise. Either way, being away from people who matter to you is inevitable. However, I realized that being away didn't really affect my profound love for my family and friends. I do experience an extreme longing for some bonding moments, which can't be fulfilled while I'm deployed, but I won' let that severe the ties I built with people from past.

4. Love of Knowledge

In the process of learning, I found out that the more I learn about other things, the more I know about myself. Education doesn't just lead you to answers, it invites you to come up with more questions. My quest for knowledge has led me to great opportunities and self-improvement, so I'm not stopping because there's more to come... =)

Things to Change

1. Turn to Semi-Perfectionist

I always do my best in everything I do, and expect the results as how I've envisioned them in my mind. It doesn't always turn out that way and I feel like a failure when it happens. I get depressed, and too worried that my future endeavors could also have horrific endings. Well, I am starting to realize that results are not just entirely dependent on my performance or how much I put into it. Although it is a big factor, it doesn't control the whole system of events. So, I'm going to do my best, sit back, and ready to learn and move on. (again!)

2. Read More

I am starting a "One Book A Month" program. When I was younger, whenever I was in a library or bookstore, I will drool over these good reads that I couldn't afford to buy. Now that I have to money to get them, I couldn't find the time to start flipping through the pages. At times I do have the time, I get lazy to read. So, this year, I think I'll get myself an ereader, and read at least one title a month.

3. Spending Habits

Will soon stop buying clothing and electronics or buy less... soon because I know I need new Jeans to replace the now loose ones. Will also start saving up for my future house and lots in the Philippines and in Texas, too! =)

Things to Get

1. Realty

Aside from my own house and lot, I will get myself into realty business. The actual buying of properties won't start until after 3-4 years. For now, the entire year will be devoted on research and studying to avoid the pitfalls of bad investments. For me, business is not about getting a lot of money for myself. I see it as a challenge, like the same challenge I gave to myself when I tried to draw, make web pages, or learn medical stuff. I want to see if I can do it. =)

2. Relationship

The countless heartaches from the past turned me into a different person. From a person who easily falls and go head over heels, hopelessly in love, I became a practical lover. I don't see magic anymore in people's actions, just intentions. Everyday, I pray for somebody who can bring back that grand feeling. However, the men I met so far made me think that the chance of getting a good guy is really, realy slim. *sigh* oh well, there's always women... =) hahaha

3. Network

Make more friends and affiliates. Helps me cure this useless shyness.

Things to get rid of

1. Selfishness

I am bad at this. I don't want to elaborate more because I don't want the horrible feeling to linger, but I do admit doing things for my own benefit. At the expense of others. They're just little things but I'm afraid that if I don't get rid of my selfishness, it might become a habit or a bad excuse.

2. Clutters

Throw away things that I continue to hold on to for no valid reason. Like ill feelings towards certain people, give away stuff in my drawers that are of little use to me, but are important to others. Yes, I am decluttering my life.

From the Bottom of my Quads

2010-01-18T15:11:00.001+08:00

From the Bottom of my Quads

I read several fitness articles emphasizing the importance of lunges and squats as part of a workout routine. I did squats when I was in basic, and went back to it during my first few weeks here in Iraq. However, I stopped doing it because I got into these biceps and abs obsession so I worked those muscles religiously. My self-developed routine helped me to build not just some muscle mass on those areas, but also strong core muscles. And with strong core muscles, my running also improved a lot. I forgot to mention this here on my blog (because I haven't been able to update in a long while) but on our October 2009 record APFT, I got a 295 score.

Anyway, back to lunges and squats, the other day, I started doing them again because, like I said, fitness experts agree that properly executed lunges and squats should be part of a real fitness enthusiasts workout plan. I was fine after doing 3 sets of 15 reps for both exercises, and 3 sets of 20 push ups. However, the next day I got up from bed, I felt a really bad soreness on my quads that turns into pain whenever I bend my knees. So today I went to the gym and just stared at the treadmill with a sad face. I can't even walk normal because of the discomfort! From what I read, this indicates weak quadricep muscles. So, this only means I have to do more of these exercises even if they are the source of the pain. Realization struck: pain builds tolerance and tolerance to pain strenghtens.

From a point of view of a pessimist, this is just a form of getting used to suffering. For them, it is our body that suffers so much that it chose to go numb. If this is true, then why do we develop muscles? Why do we improve on our sports when in fact, numbness is just not feeling anything, it doesn't speed up your runs nor does it help you go from 5k-er to a marathoner? Moreover, numbness is temporary. Once it goes away, you are left weaker and more susceptible to graver pain. Some people get too traumatized by previous pains or become too apprehensive of pain that they choose to hide under a rock and refuse to do again whatever caused pain in the past. In short, they stop living, not knowing that next time will feel better.

However, rest is still necessary. Some hardcore fitness nuts see pain as a weakness and their ego won't allow them to admit that they are indeed susceptible to it. They pretend being invincible and refuse to let pain dictate what they can or can't do once pain sets in. These people also see rest as a way of procrastinating and a sorry excuse for diminishing motivation. Go ahead, high-speed, let's see who will be having frequent visits to doctors for back problems by the time they're 30. Rest is not a lazy day, it is a reward for your body for not failing you on those days it worked hard the way you wanted it to.

These also apply to love after a heartbreak. Love more and love right amidst the pain caused by dishonesty and rejection. Love even if hurts a lot because pain will arm you with everything you have to know about love - its truths and illusions, and teach you how to separate one from the other. Failing at love is a learning experience, only it's your choice if you want to apply what you learned or refuse to acknowledge its purpose. However, don't forget to give yourself a break, too, if needed. Againlet pain be your guide at this. Perfect timing is an essential factor to almost everything, and falling in love is no exception.

Right now, I am walking with a limp but is thinking of a good date to start my everyday 5k runs again. There will be 3 sets of 15 reps of lunges and squats on top of that run, only next time, it won't hurt as much I am hurting now. I heard my body just said "Ooh! I'm excited!!"

Dear Philstar Celebrity Run 2009 Organizers

2010-01-16T15:16:00.000+08:00

I viewed the 10k results for female runners, and I was disappointed. Obviously, you didn't know how to keep track of your runners and their correct times. 9th place should have been mine.

At least I get to contribute to a good cause, that's all that matters. =)

Next up, 13.1 miles on February 27 in Camp Taji, Iraq... something to erase a bad memory, I guess. Hehe.

Goodbye, 2009. Welcome 2010

2009-12-31T10:08:00.000+08:00

Dear 2009,

I will be one of the billions of thankful people you've been nice to in the past 365 days. Thank you for all the time you gave me to be productive and improve myself. The people I met and the relationships that has been well kept. The many wonderful opportunities you thought I deserved that made me recognize my capabilities. That recent vacation to see old friends and families. I want you to know that the only thing I regret about this year were those times I whined and complained about where I was and where my decisions brought me, because all of it turned out to be blessings that taught me valuable lessons about life. For damages I caused, to people's feelings or properties, I ask for forgiveness. I never wanted to hurt anyone but my selfishness gets the best of me sometimes, but trust me, I am always trying to avoid that.

Again, thank you.

Dear 2010,

Whether it is disappointments or surprises that you have in store for me, I pray that they only make me stronger or I learn something from them. I hope I will be able to handle the disappointments and not let the surprises overwhelm too much that I change into an obnoxious person. Help me plan out my future just like how a mature adult would do it, but not to the point that I forget to enjoy my youth and regret it later. I think that's my goal, not to have regrets by the end of this year. With regrets, I have to blame something or somebody when in reality I have the power to fix what is broken or just accept things as they are. This turns into bitterness then unhappiness. And I want to be happy.

Thank you for another 365 days to find ways to real happiness. I'm ready.

Oh this is SO mushy..

2009-12-06T22:46:00.000+08:00

Dear God,

For a change, for Christmas I am not going to ask anything from you. There is nothing left to ask for because you already gave me everything I could ever want. I am so grateful because you even gave me things that I never thought I would want or will ever deserve. Forget about me, it is your wish that needs to come true this time.

Advance happy birthday... or if this Christmas is just human fiction, I hope we make you feel as if it's your birthday. Again, thanks!

Racquel

Wordless Wednesday #2

2009-11-18T06:18:00.002+08:00

Wordless Wednesday #1

2009-10-28T16:07:00.000+08:00

Starting today, every wednesday will be Wordless Wednesday! It is supposed to be wordless but this entry is an exception since I do need to explain what's going on here before I get confuse myself on my next visit!! Haha! Enjoy!

I M U

2009-10-18T13:41:00.000+08:00

Give me a word to start writing with to get rid of this junk in my heart. They say writing is a release, however I have been writing about this for almost three years now. Relief is still out of sight.

After that bad heartache, I promised myself I won't let myself turn into someone like you. I said NO to every opportunity to play games with and be inconsiderate of other people's hearts. Thanks to you, I improved myself a lot and is now wielding that power to make people fall, too. I don't blame you, all these attention are really enjoyable. I think all of it I showered you before are coming back in hundred folds. These feet must stay on the ground, though. I really don't want to be like you. I don't want anybody to hurt the same way I did.

The more attention I get, the more I understand you. I often catch myself now justifying your previous actions. Maybe it is really OK to take it easy if we're still young. Youth, anyway, is short-lived and excusable. Making promises you are not sure you can fulfill is part of improving one's decision-making skills. You might not be able to, the important thing is, you already know what the consequences will be. Like, a person won't be able to trust you again.

Maybe you're all grown up now, making good decisions. You've always been capable of that, it is just so hard to resist all the attention. I have forgiven you a long time ago, but I am still bleeding, I just want you to know.

I think I am about to break a promise to myself.

Buy U A Gavel

2009-10-17T15:59:00.002+08:00

Buy U A Gavel

Greeting people everywhere with the same friendly face
Shake their hands with warmth in exchange for a favor
Behind their backs you are a man behind a stand
Ready to bestow a verdict for failure to comply with laws
Shaped and distorted by your infinite wisdom

Wear your robe your honor, let me buy you a gavel
Punish these little people you look down upon
With the power conferred by knowledge you acquired over time
Education not enough to teach you how to look at a mirror
Banish us fools to hell, to suffer unremitting hatred towards you

After you stab us with sharp edged rapier and push us to the edge
Do not expect us to look at you and delusional expertise with respect
The day you hang your suit is a call for celebration
From thereon we will denounce the name once was root of our pains
But for now, let me buy you a gavel
Enjoy the beginnings of a trivial downfall…

RB 17oct20009

A View After the Storm

2009-10-06T18:59:00.000+08:00

Thank You. These are the words that I keep saying to myself. I don't know who to address it to and I don't know if I should. My family and friends in Manila are safe after that devastating storm. Some weren't as fortunate. According to the last news article I read, typhoon Ondoy (Ketsana) left 300 people dead and thousands of people without shelter and food. I really feel bad about this, the fact that I only come to realize how lucky I am after seeing other people in bad situations. I feel bad knowing that people lost their homes, or worse, a loved one through a natural disaster. However, at the same time, I am happy and thankful because the people I care for have been spared.

From the outside, I watch how this event unfolds. The end of a calamity is the beginning of a blaming game. Whose fault is it? Somebody from Facebook said it was caused by sinners who deserve to be punished thru Mother Nature. Of course, this crude and insensitive remark has been castigated by the nationalistic pride of the majority of Filipinos. I mean come on, you got to have a black, black heart to even think about that! But hey, I think it was her way of being grateful, she just had to point out that it takes a pure soul like her to be saved. After receiving thousands of threats and rebukes, she released a statement saying her Facebook account was hacked and she would never ever say something as derogatory as what the alleged hacker has posted. Remember, she is not a sinner so she would never ever do something like that. So, dear hacker, I need you to hack into her account again and apologize to us!

So, whose fault? One engineer said it was caused by an old-age architectural mistake that nobody dared to fix. He said none of the previous administration even tried to do something about this mistake that was a disaster waiting to happen. So, present administration, are you going to do something about this or are you just going to pass this on to the next? Dear next administration, same question. As an ignoramus to the world of engineering stuff, I hereby end this paragraph about engineering stuff. Let us move on to the next candidate for the blame game.

The people. Actually, I applaud the infamous unknown Facebook hacker for her/his offensive comment because it was obviously based on observation. The problem is, he/she presented it in an unacceptable way, like a thesis paper hand-jammed on a used toilet paper (by used, I mean with trace of fecal matter) IT was that ugly. I am not trying to defend anybody here, but I think she is trying to say that the event was triggered by human's failure to comply with Mother Nature's rules. It is not my job to preach about sanitary, proper garbage disposal, or efforts to clean up after ourselves but we must admit that somehow we contributed to the weakening of nature's auto-immune system. Nature has its own way of protecting us and itself from the hazards of natural calamities but it was too weak to function properly, because we failed to take care of it. (Note: Author is a medic) Little, good changes can help, that's all I can say.

Politics? I heard howlings from the back of my mind. They keep saying that word. Honestly, I don't think we should put blame on our politicianss anymore. I lost faith in the government's ability to prevent something like this from happening a long time ago. Resources are just too scarce. By resources I mean a.) human resources - our government is being run by clever minds. And how do I define clever? For me a clever mind is a mind capable of producing bright ideas but only if it is stimulated by promises of self-serving rewards. b) financial resources - even if somebody comes up with a good idea for a project, most of the time we do not have sufficient funds for it. Sometimes I do think we have it but I see no proof to support my assumption. In addition to lack of resources, long exposure to poverty leads to corruption of morals. Again, I hate preaching so I will keep this short. Think about this: Do you want your children's life to be a continuation of your own? Having too much of power and money can also lead to poor morals. Knowing that there is somebody out who there is willing to sell his principles, soul and all to be able to obtain a little of what you have can make you play the role of a master -- a temptation that only a few successfully were able to resist.

See, our fingers can point to different directions but really, the goal of finding out who the real culprit is to make us feel better. You can contend that the goal is so that we can make the necessary reforms. For me, the necessary changes should begin right inside our own homes. Instead of finding faults, we should stay positive amidst the many negative forces that make us believe that life is a jungle fill with vicious animals, and drive us to become one, too.

For one moment, be thankful. Yes, there was a calamity which lasted for about a week. How about you? When will your inner storm's going to end?

Side note:

Thanks to the men and women who contributed money, goods, and time to various relief drives.

To those who block relief goods convoys, resell received items, steal from other people, etc... You are one reason why the boat is sinking. Yes, you are poor, but what you do doesn't make me want to help you.

615th Poster

2009-09-29T07:02:00.001+08:00

Project: 615th Medics and Docs
Edited with Photoshop CS3, original

Stop the (Love) Madness!

2009-09-17T21:15:00.004+08:00

It was a long hiatus, I know. The 12-hour long shift at the clinic kind of messed up the productivity level. For how long I am going to blame everything on the 12-hours work each day, I do not know. All I know is that I must do something else other than the usual routines. The work-chu, chu-work (working out and chowing DFAC food in between) is not healthy.

Don't get me wrong, I do have movies, photoshop, art set, and PSP here in my room but the creative juices have dried up. I need a source of inspiration. I realized that my old posts were inspired by strong emotions -- of frustrations, sadness, elation -- and they were written despite of barriers. I spent money, energy, and sacrificed a lot of things to have them published (rented a PC even at that time when funds are low, skipped classes, set aside important things) to have my thoughts put down on an electronic sheet of paper. I was burdened by emotions I do not like, but the ideas for the perfect words to describe what I feel, perfect colors to put on a canvas were overflowing. Where have they all gone? Did they lay dormant or did they disappear for good?

Love, love, love. That is what everything is all about. This blog seems like a journal made for romantic encounters. Every encounter turns into a heartache in the end but the excitement I felt got my mind, heart, and hands racing all at the same time! I have drawn possibilities in my mind and although they did not materialize, they gave me false hope that fed my creativity.There is so much to tell about things we feel but couldn't explain. The fun wasn't in figuring out why I was doing it but in why I couldn't stop. Call it the Love Madness.

Now, I am sane. I am stuck with a kind of maturity as society defines it. There is no more chasing for the perfect words or colors because growing old required me to prioritize stuff that they deem more important. I have stopped admiring people in an unhealthy way like I did before. No more pointless hurting, no more looking up at people as if they are Earth's gods. Oh I was successful in eliminating the love madness in my life! I am a certified well-rounded adult.

Relapse. I am waiting for a relapse. My heart is praying for it. I am going for it because I want to feel alive again.

Graveyard Shift and Seven Dust

2009-05-22T06:14:00.005+08:00

It has been months since I last posted a blog entry here. Good thing the people in my unit likes me and gave me staff duty at the TOC from 10pm til 3am. The job's really easy, I just have to stay awake and answer phones (yes, there are about 8 different phones to answer and yes, I am alone). So far I had 3 phones calls and the last one was two hours ago. I am so bored that I decided to write something, though I don't really have anything interesting in mind to share. Wait, I do have interesting stories to share, I am just being lazy. But hey, I got this much time so might as well write, here it goes.

After dinner, we passed by Green Beans Coffeeshop to buy my battle buddy Gonzales and I caffeinated beverages that might help us fight off the urge to count sheeps while on duty. The shop is located beside Camp Buehring stage, which was surprisingly packed with people holding cameras. On some days we do let some talentless people get on that stage and try to entertain us but usually the people's response doesn't get to that point where they whip out their camera and take pictures. Upon noticing the peculiar scene, Sgt. Jennings and I decided to hold off the coffeeshop visit and ask what's going on.

"Seven Dust? For real, for real?" That was Sgt. Jennings' reply when the dude I asked told her who's playing tonight. My sergeant's eyes got bigger and said "We should stay!" So Seven Dust is a big band then, I said to myself while feeling a little ashamed for my ignorance. Look, I am not a fan of heavy rock, and I haven't listened to the radio in the last four weeks. Give me a break.

There was a dilemma though. I wanted to stay and enjoy the free show but Gonzales and I were supposed to share the burden of manning the TOC from 5pm to 3am. Since I know the army ethos and believe that mission should always come first, we decided to limit our stay to two songs and went back to the TOC. When we got there, Sgt. Jennings looked for somebody else to go with her back to the concert venue. However, the person she asked wasn't a fan of rock music at all. It was Sgt. Hines and he is smart enough to offer a solution to the problem: one of the on duty soldiers can go and one must stay. Gonzales showed no interest in going and moreover, she was waiting for her husband to come over and stay with us at the TOC. I thanked Gonzales like there was no tomorrow. I only stopped when I realized I paid for our coffee.

Awesome performance. I'm not big rock music fan but I enjoyed the Seven Dust's concert. Well, I've always enjoyed live music because of the energy emanating both from the performers and the audience. The people (AKA mosh pit) were jumping up and down while one hand raised holding the "rock on!" sign. Sgt. Jennings wanted to do the same thing but couldn't because of the M16 on her back and the soft/fragile peaches in her pocket. As soon as the show ended, everybody hurried up to fall in line for the autograph signing. We got the chance to shake the band members' hands and talk to them like distant relatives; like we know each other but we really don't, though we want to only to a certain point. When it was my turn to meet and greet Seven Dust's amazing five, I was so starstruck I forgot about the poster they needed to sign. Good thing Vince, the bassist, asked if I wanted the first dude I shook hands with to sign, too. I totally forgot I was there for an autograph signing! Haha!

After the unforgettable encounter, we got in line for the photo op. However, I only have 30 minutes til my shift so we decided to head back to the TOC to relieve Gonzales. I was a little upset I had to leave and miss the opportunity to hang out and take pictures with these cool guys, but like I said, mission first. At least I got this really cool, signed Seven Dust poster!

To Seven Dust, we appreciate your efforts in coming here to entertain us and making us feel that somebody appreciates what we do. Rock on!

Mga Sulat Pt 1

2009-05-22T04:31:00.003+08:00

1231

Tinignan ko ang mga larawan. Nagbalik tanaw sa nakaraan.
Anuman itong aking naramdaman, ang ilang taon ay parang kahapon lang.

Wala na ang sugat ngunit nasa alaala ang kirot
Patuloy na nagtatanong kahit wala na ang may hawak ng sagot.

Hindi naman talaga ikaw ang dahilan ng sakit
Ang hirap lang talaga tanggapin na madali akong saktan at limutin

===

1206

Salamat sa walang sawang pagmamahal. Wala kang katulad. Ang dami dami dami kong gustong sabihin tungkol sa iyo pero hindi ko pa rin mahanap ang pinakatamang salitang pang-abay na tutukoy kung ano ka at ano ka para sa akin. Ganito na lang, angkinin mo ang pinakamagandang mahahanap mo at bibigyan na lang kita ng karapatan. You've earned it.

===

0928

Salamat sa pagiging inspirasyon. Ano mang landas ang iyong tahakin, ano mang lugar ang tinatanging patunguhan, sino man ang iyong isama sa iyong paglalakbay, at iwan ka man nya, hinding hindi ka mag-iisa. Marami kaming nagmamahal sa iyo.

Sexy Ako!

2009-03-21T13:12:00.001+08:00

Being sexy should never be one's goal, because sexiness is a reward. And when I say sexy here, I'm not only referring to the hourglass-shaped body together with the essential BBs (booty and breasts). For me, even a woman weighing 200 lbs can still be sexy if she can brighten people's day with her bubbly personality. Have you noticed, however mean you think you are, you can't make fun or ridicule people who make you happy no matter what they look like?

A wife can still think her husband is sexy even after he burns half of his face and looks hideous to everybody. Why? Because the wife knows that he is a good man, and this good man do stuff that are sexy in her eyes.

I remember, when I was in high school, I had this Science teacher who is overweight. She was nice, and taught us all these boring biology terms that nobody ever want to remember with a dash of humor. Also, she dressed cute or classy -- always an interesting outfit, never one of those old and boring clothing that screams "HELLOWW!! I AM A TEACHER!!!" One day, my friend Blanche and I were on the phone talking about our teachers and that particular teacher's name came up.

Blanche: Si Ma'am L**** ang taba-taba pero ang sexy no?
Me: OO nga napansin ko din un, siguro kasi lagi syang naka-smile...
Blanche: Lagi na nga rin ako mag-iismayl....

See? If there's something good about you that nobody can explain, all they know is that it's good and they like it, that's being sexy. So before you decide to hit the gym and deprive yourself with food you think that might make you fat, you shouldn't be there just because you want to be called "hot" or "sexy". There should be a real goal, like "to be healthy" or "to build confidence" because if you did lose the weight, you achieved your goal, and you will stop there. Sooner or later, you will be unhappy about it. It's either you will try to lose more weight because you want to be as skinny as the supermodels you watch on TV or you will gain back the pounds because you don't even know what you did it for.

However, if you work out because you want to be healthy, you will feel healthy afterwards. There will be more energy to do the things you love. And having an overflowing spirit and vigor towards life is sexy. If you did gain confidence because you successfully shed some pounds, you will trust yourself to wear that skirt you would never wear during that point in your life you had low self-esteem. Believing that you will be accepted for the choices and decisions you made for yourself is sexy. Sexiness is your reward for having a real goal in life.

As for me, I spend two hours in the gym everyday and is trying to eat right (no fried food!) because I want to pass my PT test and run faster because I love running (proof: I have 8 pairs of running shoes) Next thing you know, the clothes I thought I could never wear start to look good on me. Then these compliments about looking great. (Note: still overwight, though. 155 lbs)

Do something good for others and for yourself, and you will be rewarded, sexy.

About the Title: I have this college friend who is kinda overweight. She asked me one time to make a layout for her friendster profile, so she gave me the username and password for her account. The password was: SexyAko

Pain, Pain, Go Away!

2009-03-18T09:29:00.001+08:00

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

Don't make me whole, just don't make me look back anymore. There is no way you can put back the pieces together, leave them there. They serve as a reminder that in falling in love I should leave some love for myself, too, that way I will have the strength to pull myself together once somebody torn me apart. Not like when you left, the only thing I was able to do is try to fight the tears from falling, which was unsuccessful.

Maybe I expected too much from love, or maybe I blindly insisted that it was love. I mistook your actions and promises as signs of a love that needs to reciprocated. I thought it was a give and take relationship so I gave generously, not knowing that you only intended to give for a short time, and not even interested in what I have to offer. I'm tired of saying sorry for not being the ideal partner, but I guess it's true, I am not an ideal partner. I really wish I can be perfect, but then again I realized one of the reasons I love you is because you accepted me the way I am.

This is not written out of desperation to welcome me back to your life. In fact, that thought scares the hell out of me because I sure do not want to go back to those nights I had to cry myself to sleep only to wake up crying again because in my dreams you were running away, and I keep running after you, me begging you to stop and you not giving a damn. The fake smile I had to wear to show my friends that I am over you, which they find hard to believe because the eyes are not good in hiding emotions. I don't want to go back to those days I felt so little, incompetent, and unattractive.

I am not asking you to say sorry, either. I am done blaming one of us for a love that wasn't meant to be. I realized we don't even know each other that well to be in love. However, unlike you, I really loved you, though. The purpose of this writing is to remind myself that even my heart was broken, I don't have to be totally OK to be able to love again. I just need to avoid looking back at the old pains that you brought, because each time I do, I'm getting the urge to run away and jump in my shell again to be safe. I need to move forward with a broken heart and ask somebody to help me glue the pieces back together instead.

I chose not to suffer.

U-TURN

2009-03-15T07:05:00.003+08:00

Euphoric, that's how it feels when I do it with you. My brain doesn't instruct my body to respond, it just automatically moves in rhythm, like there's music and only my soul can hear it. With you, that part of my brain that rationalizes stop functioning. Suddenly I am not afraid of consequences because there is none if it doesn't feel wrong. It is supposed to feel this way - it must be right if it feels right.

After our sweet encounters, there are no regrets or guilt to deal with, only excitement for the possibility of another rendezvous taking place. With the other, it feels like a duty - it is only enjoyable because I am fulfilling my job. Pretensions - they never fail to leave a bad taste in my mouth. Ours could be another kind of mistake, but it tastes like sugar and the sweetness lingers until the other rubs it off again. Once I'm done with the other I end up feeling empty, and sorry for myself because I can't stomach the normal and natural, while in my head with you the oddness is a gift. Questions pile up, questions that when I try to answer only point me in one direction... to where you are.

Sometimes, running in a one way street is pointless if the road leads you to a place where you never intended to go. I'm making a U-TURN.

Are You A Sim, Too?

2009-01-19T14:31:00.001+08:00

I feel like a "The Sims" character, the one who waves her hand at the player and sobs because her relationships level is really low. I used to play that game when I was still in Makati, when I was trying to avoid people who have endless life dramas or situations that might end up in endless life dramas. Anyway, back then, I thought my Sim was over-reacting, that it is not too bad living all alone in a big house, especially if it is stocked with all the highest-value items and appliances available thanks to [Ctrl] + [Shift] + C and enter "klapaucius;:. I mean, come on, I bought all these so as to keep yourself busy and not think about things that you don't really need... like relationships! But there she is, stopping in the middle of a video game to wave at me and sob, with a speech bubble with a picture of another sim on top of her head.

So i did let her call that guy, and invite him over at the house I built (for 3 hours.. haha!). It was fun, but I didn't like how all the interactions would eat up all the time. Next thing you know, she's out of energy, hungry, sleepy, and should be ready for work in two hours. I can still picture myself rolling my eyes and shaking my head while saying to myself "man, my Sim is stupid, there are more important things in life than romantic relationships". I would even laugh at my sim at times she peed on herself or fell asleep in a middle of a conversation because she preferred to talk to some guy than take care of herself.

Now, if my Sim can just walk from Makati to Fort Hood, maybe she will knock hard on my door, bit*ch-slap me on the face, and let out a mocking laugh because she had proven me wrong. She made me realize that being in a relationship is actually part of taking care of one's self. However, I would bit*ch-slap her back and tell her how it is harder for me because I am an actual human. Nobody will care if I wave my hand and sob just because my life levels are low. Nobody would click on the refrigerator so I can go there and start making a meal for myself... well, actually, I don't need anybody for that, my level is always high on that specific area. Haha! Anyway, yeah, during those times that I had to stop in the middle of what I was doing because I suddenly felt so lonely, with an imaginary speech bubble popping out with a picture of a particular person in it, there was nothing I can do!

Taking a deep breathe, listening to old and new music, and emptying bottles of strawberry daiquiri or bud's light help to keep the pain at bay. But as soon as their effects subside, I am back to the reality that there is missing in my life and that I need to do something with it. It's funny how I became the character that I used to play, only this time, there are no available cheats I can use.

While Track 56 Was Playing

2008-12-17T09:26:00.002+08:00

Next month, she'll be moving to another place, and only God knows how long she is going to stay there. It is going to be the same, normal. And by normal, it means cold and lonely until something actually exciting happens at work. Her job pays little, but it brings surprises, though she prays for another patch to stick on her uniform's Velcro because that means additional fund for her penchant for foreign cuisine and online shopping.

Right now, she is consuming her eighth cup of coffee for the day while looking through the window to watch the December snow fall and kiss the ground. It is white and peaceful in the New Jersey suburb where she is staying now, but they are not enough to calm her troubled soul. Inner panic, that is how she would describe it. Something is about to happen. Or, something might have already happened.

After she managed to figure out what was bothering her, a smile appeared on her face. The bitter kind. She placed the empty cup on the nearby table, not even knowing why she did and what to do next. See, an answer triggers another question.

Why can't I just forget about you? When I know you have already forgotten about me... about us...? If it felt so right being together, then why do we have to part? Why does this distance enough reason for you to stop loving me? Why can't I just love another, somebody who's physical nearness can bring warmth in my cold world? If we do stay in love, and meet again, are we going to recognize each other, as if nothing has changed or will we feel as if we're strangers trying, forcing to revive something that died a long time ago?

Being miles away from the people she love so dearly is killing her little by little, like a living thing trying to survive without the sun. She buried her face on the cold palms of the hands that are longing to clasp with her lover's. Next month, instead of the hand of her heart's desire, it is the loaded m16 that she will be holding.

She stood up and grabbed the empty cup that left circle stains on the table. Ninth shot of caffeine coming up.

STX Week

2008-11-23T13:58:00.000+08:00

11.17.08 Monday -- Admin day. Went to travel office to purchase my plane ticket to New Jersey. For 14 days, starting Dec. 11, I will be doing hometown recruiting for the Army. I hope I get people to sign up because one person equals to an additional $2,000 on my paycheck. Hehe. After a short break, I need to be back in Texas by Jan. 4 because I was stationed at Fort Hood, Austin. According to my order, I'm assigned to work with the 1st Aviation unit... whatever that is. hahaha! Oo na lang ako ng oo.

11.18.08 Tuesday -- BAS day. BAS stands for Battalion Aid Station and it is one of the 5 lanes that we need to go through during the STX week (Situational Training Exercise). Here, we were taught how to set up a battalion aid station on the field. First, the big tent then the medical materials necessary and how should we arrange them in our tent. Moreover, we also learned where the triage and evacuation points should be located. I was appointed as platoon leader. How I got that position? Well, prior going to the field, we had a short briefing and the sergents in charge asked who were the most quiet people in the class. They pointed out 2 particular people and I was one of them. The other person became Platoon Sergeant. I thought I'm going to get yelled at a lot because of that but it was actually a blessing in disguise because all I did was fill out medical field cards and watch other people run around carrying litters and poking each other's arms with needles.

11.19.08 Wednesday -- Blood Labs day. This, for me, is the best part of STX. On this lane, we have to deal with two different scenarios wherein there were mass casualties: one is we have to enter a building bombed by terrorists and the other is a marketplace in Iraq where there are civilians and military men injured after a suicide bomber killed himself there. The rooms we went into were made to look like our scenarios, only this time, we had to treat dummies connected to a computer. These dummies can breathe (there is rise and fall of the chest), bleed (yes, there is fake blood coming out of their injured parts), and perfuse (there is pulse on the femoral, carotid, and radial arteries). I had two patients, well, uhh, make that three. One was a burn patient, who, by the way, didn't get any treatment from me because he was a burn patient. We don't treat burn patients right away, we just transport them. My second patients were a mother and child. The mother has an amputated arm while the child has a head wound and burns. I treated the mother first. Just right after I finished bandaging the decapitated arm, the bell rang sounded off signaling the end of our mission. I felt horrible for not being able to save the baby!! However, during the counseling, the sergeant in-charge told us that the baby was already dead anyway but he said I should not leave the dead baby there because the mother might refuse treatment once she sees her child like that. Another thing, I should ALWAYS ask the husband, sheik, or any male in the house for permission before I touch any woman in the family... yes, even if she's dying. Even if I saved that woman, she will be stoned to death anyway because her family will consider her unclean. Hey! That's why we don gloves!!

11.20.08 Thursday -- MOUT training (Military Operations in Urban Terrain). This lane includes the techniques of clearing houses or buildings, moving and treating casualties, and rescuing hostages. I was an infantry soldier and I had to pull security at all times. My team leader ordered me to bring the civilians out of the building. When I got out of the house, the sergeant was standing right there and yelled saying that I just got captured by the enemies because I was alone outside, without a battle buddy. Oh yeah, we have this thing called battle buddy system. It simply means we always got to have a same gender companion at all times wherever we go. Anyway, it was fun but not as fun as blood labs. hehe..

11.21.08 Friday -- Combatives Tournament and Patrol day. I joined the combatives tournament because they needed 4 females and 8 males from each platoon and no female wanted to volunteer to join!! My opponent was Lee from 4th ID. We are friends but when we were fighting, it we were feisty! It was a long and tiring. I won, but I swung my right arm the wrong way in my attempt to get out of her grip. Next fight is on monday and it will be against Allsman. I love Allsman!! I don't want to hurt her! Hahaha! But, yeah, I have to kick her ass.

Patrol lane: This lane sucks. We ran for 2 miles on a rocky and steep terrain, crossed a creek, got wet, and ran again for 2 miles, this time carrying casualties back to the BAS... all these with our M16 in our hands! It could've been easier for us if only we weren't also wearing those damn IBA vests! IBA stands for Interceptor Body Armor and its like our version of the bulletproof vest. It weighs 30 lbs. It was exhausting but we did good because we were the fastest team to get back. The time to beat 11 minutes and 33 seconds, we got back in 10 min and 15 sec. However, it wasn't entirely a good day because I picked a fight with the tallest female in our platoon. Yes, I said fu*k you to her and called her stupid and a bitch. She went off and almost attacked me, but the people around us got in the way. All because she said that I am short and couldn't help her carry the litter well. I call her stupid because she didn't realize that it's actually her fault because when she was holding her litter high on the one side, all the weight slides down on my side, making it hard for me to lift up the litter higher. Usually it takes a lot to piss me off but making me feel as if I'm not helping the team will really tick me off, because I swear, after that, my arms were hurting. Actually, they are still hurting as I type this entry.

Thank God for weekends. Today, I just pigged-out and downloaded stuff from the net. Oh but look, my name's on the fireguard list for the 3am to 5am shift! Oh well, embrace the suck...

If Only...

2008-11-16T12:28:00.002+08:00

If only you were here, I know you won't be doing the same thing everybody else is doing. You are not going to spend your time and money on alcohol or renting a hotel to get laid by a guy you met in AIT or a bar. Our plans will include going to the museum, a park, or a movie to have clean fun and engage ourselves in conversations about religion, politics, the gift of present and the surprises of the future. At times we will talk about other people, too, to analyze their attitudes and personalities, as well as point out their weaknesses and strengths. However, by the end of the day, we agree that they should not be judged but instead, be understood and accepted. But then again, we will voice out our reasons why we should just ignore them and don't give a damn. After having the exchange of thoughts, we will secretly admire each other for being such good, decent people.

If only you were here, I know you will be one of the best. And you would think the same way about me. That's why I am so disappointed with myself right now, I am only average and I struggled a lot to stay in the game. But I promise, since I couldn't excel academically, I tried hard to make myself stronger physically. I run faster now than I ever did in my entire life. I did 52 push ups and 72 push ups in my final PT test and I dedicate my achievement to all things and persons that inspire me. My list is short and your name sits on top of it.

If you still don't know yet, I love you and I feel like I reached the summit of a high mountain everytime you tell me you love me too. It just feels so great, so wonderful.

I miss you. I miss us.

Lost On the Day of the Race

2008-10-14T07:46:00.005+08:00

It's up! It's up! I passed!

I was about to go downstairs and head to the dining facility to appease my growling stomach, which felt abandoned and neglected after I decided last night that dinner will only include a bottle of Jack Daniels. When I heard the news, instead of exiting Delta bay, I went back to my locker and hurriedly hooked up my computer to the internet. I visited the site where the results were posted and got depressed when I saw the six-letter word sitting at the bottom of my name -- failed.

This is already the second time I took this exam, and again, flunked it. I am beginning to believe that the medical field isn't where I belong. First of all, I am more of the techie type, and a graduate of a liberal arts course. Needles scare me so bad that I always cover my eyes whenever I see, whether in real life or in movies, people holding syringes and poking other people with it. Then what am I doing here? Why do I have to go through this, when in the first place, signs are everywhere that I should be heading another direction?

Did you pass? It was my battle buddy Edens asking me if I pass the damn test. I looked at her with a smile on my face and said, "I failed"

"Are you serious?"

Without even trying to shut down the Acer laptop I bought on the last day of my basic training at Fort Jackson, I closed my locker and took off my ACU top. I lost my appetite. At that moment, I was thinking, maybe getting drunk again like I did last week will make it less painful. Fool myself into believing that the third time will finally bring the charm. Honestly, I haven't given up yet, but looking up and researching for another MOS will be a good idea.

Many countries in the New World and elsewhere celebrate the anniversary of Christopher Columbus's arrival in the Americas, which occurred on October 12, 1492 in the Julian calendar and October 21, 1492 in the modern Gregorian calendar, as an official holiday. The day is celebrated as Columbus Day in the United States, as Día de la Raza (Day of the Race) in many countries in Latin America, as Día de las Culturas (Day of the Cultures) in Costa Rica, as Discovery Day in The Bahamas, as Día de la Hispanidad (Hispanic Day) and National Day in Spain, and as Día de la Resistencia Indígena (Day of Indigenous Resistance) in Venezuela.

from Wikipedia.Org

Medical Terms

2008-10-08T21:15:00.002+08:00

Medical terms of the Week
(Oct 24 - 31 2009)

cluster headache, Horton syndrome
klus'ter hed'ak, horton sindrom
Possibly due to a hypersensitivity to histamine; usually characterized by recurrent, severe, unilateral orbitotemporal headaches associated with ipsilateral photophobia, lacrimation, and nasal congestion. SYN histaminic headache, Horton headache.

tension headache, tension-type headache
ten'shun hed'ak, ten'shun-tip
That associated with nervous tension, and anxiety, often related to chronic scalp muscle contraction. SYN muscle contraction headache.

migraine
mi'gran
A symptom complex occurring periodically and characterized by pain in the head (usually unilateral), vertigo, nausea and vomiting, photophobia, and scintillating appearances of light. SYN hemicrania (1), sick headache.
[through O. Fr., fr. G. hemi- krania, pain on one side of the head, fr. hemi-, half, + kranion, skull]

vertigo
ver'ti-go
1. A sensation of spinning or whirling motion. 2. Imprecisely used as a general term to describe dizziness.
[L. vertigo (vertigin-), dizziness, fr. verto, to turn]

photophobia
fo'to-fo'be-a
Morbid dread and avoidance of light.
[photo- + G. phobos, fear]

-- -- -- -- -- --

Medical terms of the Week

(Oct 4 - 10 2009)

epilepsy, epilepsia, grand mal

ep'i-lep'se, -lepse-a, grawn[h] mahl

A chronic disorder characterized by paroxysmal brain dysfunction due to excessive neuronal discharge; usually associated with some alteration of consciousness; clinical manifestations of the attack may vary from complex abnormalities of behavior including generalized or focal convulsions to momentary spells of impaired consciousness. SYN fit (3), seizure disorder.

[G. epilepsia, seizure]

paroxysm

par'ok-sizm

1. A sharp spasm or convulsion. 2. A sudden onset of a symptom or disease, especially one with recurrent manifestations such as the chills and rigor of malaria.

[G. paroxysmos, fr. paroxyno, to sharpen, irritate, fr. oxys, sharp]

tinea imbricata

tin'e-a im'bri-ka'ta

Fungal eruption consisting with concentric rings of overlapping scales forming papulosquamous patches scattered over the body; seen in tropical climates; caused by Trichophyton concentricum.

papulosquamous

pap'yu-lo-skwa'mus

Denoting an eruption composed of both papules and scales.

[papulo- + L. squamosus, scaly (squamous)]

Trichophyton

tri-kof'i-ton

A genus of pathogenic fungi causing dermatophytosis in humans and animals; species attacks the hair, skin, and nails.

[tricho- + G. phyton, plant]

-- -- -- -- -- --

Medical terms of the Week
(Sept 21-27 2009)

Korsakoff syndrome, Korsakoff psychosis
kor'se-kawf sin'drom, si-ko'sis
An alcohol-related amnestic syndrome characterized by confusion and severe impairment of memory, especially for recent events, for which the patient compensates by confabulation; delirium tremens may precede the syndrome, and Wernicke syndrome often coexists.

Wernicke syndrome
ver'ni-ke sin' drom
A condition frequently encountered in patients with long-term alcoholism, largely due to thiamin deficiency; characterized by disturbances in ocular motility, pupillary alterations, nystagmus, and ataxia with tremors. Also referred to as Wernicke disease and Wernicke encephalopathy.

nystagmus (nyst)
nis-tag'mus
Involuntary rhythmic oscillation of the eyeballs, either pendular or with a slow and fast component.
[G. nystagmos, a nodding, fr. nystazo, to be sleepy, nod]

ataxia, ataxy, autosomal recessive, with deafness and optic atrophy
a-takse-a, a-takse, awto-somal re-sesiv, defnes optik atro-fe
An inability to coordinate muscle activity, causing jerkiness, incoordination, and inefficiency of voluntary movement. SYN incoordination.
[G. a- prov. + taxis, order]

thiamin
thi'a-min
A heat-labile and water-soluble vitamin contained in milk, yeast, and the germ and husk of grains; also artificially synthesized; essential for growth; a deficiency of thiamin is associated with beriberi and Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome. SYN vitamin B1.

Movie Review: The Mist

2008-05-12T01:26:00.000+08:00

Category:	Movies
Genre:	Horror

This movie is scary not because of monstrous bugs lurking behind an enormous cloud of mist that prefer human flesh as their meal. Well, that kind of plot if imagined happening in real life could be a real hair-raiser, too, but in "The Mist", it was proven that nothing could be more dreadful than being with a flock of fear-drenched and paranoid people who are willing to do virtually anything to survive.

A great film, but it will be self-torture if I choose to watch it all over again. The ending was disappointing, for me, because the main characters whom I expected to go on and find answers stopped when the fuel tank had gone empty and they have a loaded gun to extinguish their power to hope.

Hardcore Bible believers or people who have absolute faith in humanity, think twice before seeing this movie.

Mood after watching this movie: DEPRESSED.

Felt Betrayed By Time (Magazine)

2008-05-10T08:03:00.004+08:00

Can't wait for the US presidential election to be over.

Back in my college years, when my tight budget won't allow me to pick up a new issue, I save money to buy back issues of Time and Newsweek. I always learn something from reading these magazines; every issue is a goldmine of information and intellectual ideas.

Now that I have an odd job in this foreign country, I can finally afford a year of subscription to any magazine I want. However, I can only add just ONE more mag to my Redbook, People, and Popular Mechanics collections. I picked Time over Newsweek because I thought the former was better than the latter. As to what my standards were when I made that decision, I don't want to remember anymore. All I can tell you is that I am less mature at that time.

Please Time writers, stop sending me pro-Obama campaign materials!! I had enough when I received your latest issue proclaiming Obama as the winner. So disappointing. I trusted faithfully in you to deliver a fair and balanced reporting (and paid you for it, actually, in case you forgot) and you miserably failed to do it! May I suggest that you also feature the other two candidates even if they can't afford the media exposure... for your integrity's sake?

Just Fall

2008-05-05T12:28:00.003+08:00

Remember when we used to make gentle steps on the wooden staircase of our old house because the planks are already old and fragile? One wrong move and you will fall down, but I know you won't because I will catch you, or we'll fall together then laugh about it afterwards. Even if there will be bruises on our knees and elbows. Everything back then was so easy to cope with and understand. First we try to be careful. Next, we get ready for the approaching disaster. Last, prevented or not, we shrug it off.

Now that we're older and presumably, more mature, we became too cautious. One action from the other, we overthink and delve into it to look for hidden agenda and real purpose. Anything but appreciate. Is it right? Is it wrong? Should I back off or move forward? Ceaseless flow of questions when in fact, the answers have been laid down on the table long ago, waiting to be recognized as answers. Maybe it's a sign that we're getting smarter, part of which is caring more about ourselves.

Now, we don't directly love anymore. We stop and think, perhaps too much. Calculate the profits, weigh the disadvantages. Blame everyone else but ourselves when we overlooked an opportunity to advance. Life is still like an overused and fragile staircase and we're determined to go to higher grounds, this time, with no regard as to who we are with or who might fall.

Anyway, I just want you to know that whatever happens, I am still willing to catch you, even if you have no plans of returning the favor.

Smithson, OUT!

2008-04-24T06:16:00.000+08:00

Tattoos and a good voice don't go well together, at least in America.Take it from Carly Smithson, who wasn't really the worst singer last night but got voted off just the same. Somehow, I have an idea why Ms. Smithson suffered from this misfortune: tattoos are ugly on TV. Come on, if everybody's favorite, and most likely future UN Ambassador of Peace, David Archuleta likewise have dragons and a bleeding heart inked on his arms, I think there will be less annoying girls shrieking like a hyena fucked by a porcupine here on Earth.

Yeah, I know, Smithson looks phony. No matter how hard she tries to smile kindly and look so proper by acting like Mother Teresa's reincarnation, it doesn't look believable. Even if you want to convince yourself that she's a good singer and might be less bitchy than what her tattoos speak loudly of her, you just can't help but cry "she's a phony bitch!". And you'll go, "ooops... did I just call her a phony bitch?"

If it's not the tattoos or the phony look, then her previous album when she was still under MCA was the one to blame. Maybe Americans want justice to reign so they got rid of the pro and let the amateurs take centerstage for a clean and fair fight. However, the burning question is, who's the real amateur among the Top 5 left? Scour the Internet for an answer and you'll stumble upon information that will make you realize that this season of American Idol is the worst so far. I agree that this season has a lot of great talents, probably greater than the previous seasons contestants. However, that doesn't guarantee that it can deliver the most exciting season though. Now where's Sanjaya when you need him?

1:45 Is Too Long A Time

2008-04-20T12:48:00.007+08:00

I just found out today, though in a very tiring way, that it takes four laps to complete one mile in a standard track. Pressured by time and my frustrations, I struggled in running around the oval for four times. If only air has calories in it, I'd be obese by now with the way I was trying to feed oxygen in to my lungs.

All these dieting and working out are new to me. Back then, I thought the Nutrition Information printed on food labels are there to serve as a sign that what I'm about to put in my mouth has some vitamins or other good stuff in it. Apparently, for a considerable length of time, I was stupid and acted like a retard for having that kind of notion. I didn't know that on those pretty little charts, I could also find the number of calories I have to burn and the amount of fat that would settle at the used-to-be hollow spaces of my tummy, ass, and arms. Who would have thought that my ignorance is to blame for my extra pounds? Now I have to deal with the nasty flabs which miserably failed to disguise themselves as muscles.

And, oh, exercises. Ayayay. When asked what sports I play as part of my healthy lifestyle, which is, of course, non-existing, I cited basketball as my favorite. Truth is, it was almost six years since I last played ball and that was in my last year in high school during a sports event, where I scored two points. The most tiring part was being on the bench and cheering for my team mates who seemed to play better when I'm not inside the court. Anyway, before hitting the track, my recruiter taught us how to do proper sit-ups and push-ups. Obviously, they weren't easy for me but because I really want to join the Army, I pretended to look tired after doing just four sit-ups and half push-up. Nah, just kidding, I really gave it my all. I swear!!

After stretching my rusty muscles, I started my journey to Teaneck High's track. Goal: One mile in ten minutes and thirty seconds. As I was about to begin my trek through the last lap, I heard my recruiter say that I have two minutes left. Of course, I got disappointed again with myself and just wanted to stop and walk away (nope, not run away, I'm way too tired to perform that cliche at that moment) Somehow, a part of me refused to give in to that kind of defeatist attitude. I thought to myself, "let me pass out, I'm sure they'll get some help if ever that happens". Run a little, slow down, walk, run again. That was how I managed to finish my little race against myself and my limits. Although I only managed to cover one mile in 11 minutes and 45 seconds, Sgt. Robinson told me it wasn't bad for a first-timer. That I'll be better in time.

One minute and 45 seconds off the timer. I know it's not something to be really proud of. However, if you're like me who easily gives up when the situation gets too tough to handle, you should be. Congratulations to myself!

Keep Walking

2008-04-05T05:54:00.002+08:00

I keep on walking, in this place unfamiliar and cold in different ways. With music as my sole companion, and memories as the insatiable fuel. Doors of opportunities swinging wide open, and I'm walking towards one of them, but this time, without the excitement and enthusiasm I once had, that time when all I had was the freedom to dream.

While walking, I am looking back over my shoulder. Hoping to find you there behind me. Praying you will be able to keep up because I won't be able to slow down. Could not. A dream helped shaped by you is waiting to be fulfilled.

I will keep walking. Once you are already here beside me, we will run to catch one door left ajar.

Almost. Nearly. Not Quite.

2008-03-29T12:27:00.002+08:00

My negative side needs to speak with you regarding a matter left unclear for years. She is confused and won't accept the explanations contentment was trying hard to tell. I'm telling you, she can be so annoying and unbearable sometimes. Once you answer one question, an awful lot more will follow and extreme irritation is most likely to occur.

She's questioning the ingenuousness of my happiness. According to her, it is all a sham, a mask to cover the pain caused by loneliness and frustrations. I tried to defend myself, telling her love made me this way, turned me into a very understanding person who accepts the decision of my loved ones: their choice to abandon me. Sometimes, one person's absence in another person's life means freedom for both parties. I advised her to chill.

However, the stubbornness is unrelenting. Answers breed more questions. She accused me of being a delusional by thinking that I owned people's hearts. She said it never happened, therefore, the love I feel is useless and blinding. Negativity insisted that I only misinterpreted people's actions and misled my heart to commit in a love which was never really mutual nor reciprocated. That I am in love with a beautiful lie, a fool who can't distinguished a sweet dream from a nightmare. Yes, she is that mean. But I understand and recognize the point she is trying to raise.

If I listen to her, will it be a sign of open-mindedness or imperceptive way of thinking? It is weird how one statement which sounded ridiculous and funny at first turn out to be a thought-provoking idea in the end.

Here comes dark clouds.

Room 311

2008-03-23T13:36:00.004+08:00

Lorraine wanted to say something, but couldn't. At first she will give up a smile, then I will encourage her to continue trying to let out the words. After struggling to mumble the words "I", "just", "need", "to", she will stop, to ready herself for the hardest part, saying the remaining of her thoughts.

I will cheer on her, "come on you can do it, Lorraine! I will wait for it!". But her speech defect caused by old age will fail her. Then she'd let go of a sigh, look at me, and smile with sad eyes. The first time we did this, I gave her a pen so she can just write what she wants me to know. She shook her head, a sign that she preferred that I hear it.

It's OK, Lorraine, I'll come to your room again tomorrow, I'll wait for it.

For a week now, I have been walking out of 311 with eyes holding back tears and a heavy heart. Maybe when she's gone, I could forget the way she reaches for my hand even if I can offer no help. Maybe I'll get used to such situations and stop caring like this. Apathy can kill, but caring sometimes can be too torturous.

Dollars Can't Buy Me Jeans

2008-03-18T11:16:00.003+08:00

Time check, 11:16PM. Technically, it's still St. Patrick's day. My small wardrobe collection didn't permit me to wear green today, and my dirty mind is something I am not comfortable showing off, even the occasion calls for it. The alcohol, too, is simply out of sight because, yeah, I'm not Irish (and my Mom would surely flip out once she found out that I'm considering drinking) At work, I am this stupid-looking newbie who smiles a lot and avoids conversations because I am not good at small talks. I wanted to say something funny but I better not, because my humor borders on sarcasm and I've only been there for less than a month. Grim humor and budding relationships don't mix well in a professional environment.

All these mean one thing: this day is ordinary. Hold it there. Maybe it wasn't the day which is ordinary. Maybe I'm just not putting enough effort to turn a day into a 24 hour-long magical moment. I am stuck in this frame of mind where I think I am a failure because somebody is making me feel that way. It's crazy how I think everything is a mess, when in fact, the only problem is that I think too many problems complicate my life. So much of a mess that I don't know where to start patching, and how. I'm always afraid that something more terrible will happen, and that I won't be ready to face it. That's it, I'm creating my own monsters and arming them with the idea on how to defeat me. It's like locking myself up in a dungeon to engage in a futile battle with my own demons. And I am seeking help, only I am not shouting for rescue, just whispering... and I don't know why. It's insane.

Good thing my savior comes in during the times I hit the rock bottom. With cheery messages and a smile that says "I understand, and will be here for you." Even without me explaining anything, just instant acceptance and arms wrapped around my worn out body to reassure that nothing changed, I still have a space in your heart. I miss the warmth of your touch. With your insatiable and unconditional love, each day is St. Patrick's day for me. I am so lucky just having you in my life.

Too bad, these dollars can't buy me jeans.

So Corny You Will Need Butter

2008-03-14T09:13:00.002+08:00

In my entire life, I never had anything fancy or expensive. Until now, you can see me wearing the same clothes I had five years ago. I collect other people's garbage, stuff they throw away which are working fine but are old. I was only introduced to Starbucks at 18, tasted it at 19, bought one for myself at 20, and realized that it was overrated by the time I reached 21. And, yeah, I am saying this because I don't have the money to spare for flavored coffees. Plain caffeine will do.

You could say that I am ordinary. If you give me a make-up kit, I would know which tool goes to the lips, brows, lashes and face but sorry, I wouldn't know how to handle and apply any of them. Don't worry, I do comb my hair.

Also, I don't believe I am as smart as my friends think I am. Maybe I am just good at pretending to be smart. The truth is, I just know a little about everything, and that helps. So my advice to those who are planning to look smart and sound smart? Have a general idea about anything and everything and you will do just fine. However, expect intelligent people to see through the mask. One of my professors once called me "Jack of All Trades, Master of None" because he noticed. He is one of the few, real smart people out there.

No money, no fame, no ms. big brain -- in short, I am a nobody. Even my mom think I am a loser because I don't earn as much money as she does. What pisses her off more is the fact that I am not bothered by it; that I don't take life so seriously and it looks like I'm not chasing the more profitable opportunities... that I am a disappointment.

I feel bad because I want my mom to be proud of me, and the set of principles and values that shaped me. I feel bad for not having enough strengths to make it to the top. I feel bad because I am not sorry, and will never regret taking the road less traveled. I feel bad because there are people who are upset with me because I can't act and think the same way they do.

It's a good thing there are those who still think I am special even in the presence of my intolerable weaknesses. Thank you for trying to see me in a different light and keeping me inspired at times I wanted to quit and give up on my dreams. Thank you for making me feel special even I don't have and know much. I love you everyday.

Unintentionally Untitled

2008-03-10T10:43:00.005+08:00

I know it was just a dream, yet it was as pleasurable as the real thing. Our hands clasped together, the ceiling the sole witness to the overwhelming happiness sweeping over me as I lay there beside you. Out there, millions of stars were peering through the windows, to watch their brightest kin illuminate in the darkness of my room, and my life.

The thousand days went by, but the seed of courage I planted on day one still has not grown. It did not match the accomplishment the seed of love had achieved. From a tiny seed to a full grown tree, my love for you bears flowers, fruits, and all things wonderful no matter what the weather and the season may be. The light you brought never stopped working, so expect no withered leaves on the grounds during fall. I wish I could tell you about it, but courage develops too slow.

Hence, the dream. It became the outlet of the emotions I kept inside for almost half a decade now. I already held you in my arms like that, squeezed your hand so tightly yet so gently like that, closed my eyes as we unite our souls by that kiss I could never get enough of just the same way. Yet those dreams seem so believable that they satisfy the extreme thirst left unquenched in real life due to distance and so many other things we have no control of. Whether they happen in reality or in slumbers, the effects are similar: bewilderment and elation.

I want to keep dreaming and reach another star, this time, as a gift to the first star who willingly fell for me. Consider this as a promise fulfilled; consider the thousand miles gap closed, the rules bent, and all odds faced and conquered by the power of an incessant beating heart. It wasn't a choice, I didn't even have to make a decision about it. It is something which can't be helped, a force so strong it blew me away, and changed my life for the better.

You keep me breathing for you are my fresh air, my morning sunlight, my refreshing rain, my favorite song, my calm, my golden dust, my heartfelt laugh, my tomorrow, and everything else I need to live. With this, it can't be denied anymore that the memories you left remained intact in every hollow niche of my being. I love you.

4A Site Redesigned

2008-02-01T09:49:00.000+08:00

Four-a site now in yummy orange flavor. Check out the new design at four-a.blogspot.com. Thanks!

Again, fully handcoded. (wushu!!)

CLUTTERed

2008-01-10T09:46:00.000+08:00

Cluttered
======

Behind every great idea,
every significant achievement,
every important accomplishment
is a full wastebasket.

Or a cluttered blackboard.
Or a doodled-up legal pad.

Is scribbling all it takes?
Are you just a cramped writing hand away
from changing the world?

Probably not.

But no one ever led a revolution or any kind
with his hands in his pockets.

Think About It.

~from a HYUNDAI magazine ad~

Welcome 2008!

2008-01-01T07:34:00.000+08:00

Hmm, 2007, this is your final day in my life. I can't tell if you've been kind enough to me for you to deserve a blog entry of appreciation. Yes, you've burdened me with problems while claiming they were all opportunities in diguise. They came, saw me, and conquered the rest of the pieces 2006 and the other 19 previous years have left. But hey, look at me, I survived... and couldn't be happier for that. Despite of numerous failures, the 365 days gift you gave me, my prize for not resorting to suicide -- yet -- helped me attain these sweet, little (in a great way!) achievements.

Got my college diploma, a job I never thought I could have (but only lasted for less than five months), and a ticket to fly to the land of milk and honey. Met a lot of great, talented, and cool people, who helped polish my attitude and skills. Fell in love with a great person. Fulfilled my promise of making life sweeter for my not so fortunate relatives in Makati using my own resources. Went out with brilliant people who I look up to, and likewise, look up to me. Had intelligent and heartfelt conversations with people whose ideas and principles matter.

Ok, 2007, that year wasn't as bad as I thought it was. So here you go, a long and sincere thhaaaaannnnkkkksssss for all the wonderful memories we shared!! Goodbye and I hope you made a lot of people happy during your reign. Hi 2008, want a longer and more sincere thanks by your December 31st? Be good to me! Fruitful love life, please? Hehe! Welcome!

Death As A Relief

2007-12-31T07:58:00.000+08:00

I never liked the look, feel, and smell of a hospital, maybe because my first time in one wasn't a good experience at all. It was 3 o'clock in the morning, I am supposed to visit my ailing grandmother who gave me a surprise gift a day before she had her third and last heart attack. Although she tried to hold on to her life for nearly a month while in coma by responding to medicines and various electronic apparatus beside her, she wasn't aware that her efforts proved to be in vain. The doctor told us, just three days after grandma was admitted in one of Makati's premiere hospitals, that our dear grandma's case was hopeless.

After hearing what the doctor had to say, I decided to go home, without even seeing my grandmother on her death bed. My aunt insisted that I stay, and talk to the patient. This was after the doctor also said that even if grandma won't be able to move any part of her body, she can still hear us, and knowing her, she will listen.

I said no.

Against the wishes of my relatives, I left the hospital and went back home. I figured out that if I tried to talk to a dying loved one, I will just beg her to fight and fight harder, ask her to never leave me, which is unfair. She can't. At home, inside my room, I did so many things at the same time that I couldn't find the right term for it. I cried, prayed, thanked God and grandma, wished for a lot of things, made promises, and asked for forgiveness. When it was over, I smiled because I experienced a blessing which lasted for 15 years of my life, being a part of the life of a great person -- my grandma.

It was the first and last time I let teardrops fell for my grandma. I knew she never wanted to see me cry again and again. I miss you, lola. Happy new year to us, here on Earth, and there in heaven.

This IS My Plan...

2007-12-13T09:08:00.000+08:00

My mother once asked me if I have any plan for my future. "Ewan ko" was my answer. Does that mean my life has no direction? I don't know. Actually, I have a better answer than "ewan ko" but I have decided to leave it unsaid because my mother wouldn't like it. She hates my way of thinking.

I believe that life is a road with so many twists and turns that creating a map out of it is impractical. For me, planning is worthless when you can't even tell what's going to happen in the next 5 minutes. I can say "Hey, I want to be a pilot" but then here comes a ten wheeler truck approaching and it hit me. I didn't die, but the doctor said the accident left me with no eyesight and a paralyzed upper body portion. Can I still say "Hey, I want to be a pilot"? You can come up with a million inspiring quotes fit for Hallmark cards, but let's face it, the answer is, and will always be, NO. That ten wheeler truck erased a part of my plan and now I have to reconstruct a new plan which can accommodate a person with disabilities. There's nothing wrong with working on a new blueprint for success. My stand is, I am not good at it so I'd rather not. Instead of trying to predict tomorrow's surprises and prepare for them with blind eyes, I think I'm going to hide under my table and surprise future's uncertainties with my unpredictability.

If you didn't find any sense in this entry, sorry... it wasn't part of the plan.

Ako Ito.. Nye!

2007-12-09T05:26:00.000+08:00

Kim, thanks a lot for this! Kahit late! HAHAHA! Ayus lang!

Because I was a bit dissatisfied with the`profiling results of the first drawing I gave him, Kim agreed to burden himself again by going to his professor for a retry. This time, he was armed with either a voice recorder or pen and paper. Thanks, Kim! Anyway, Uhmm, the things I had to draw were: snake, house, tree, and a well. I signed on the same paper twice and put the date when I did the drawing. If you want your drawings interpreted, you might want to hunt down a certain Prof. Cruz somewhere in Mapua Makati. If he's good at this or not, you be the judge.

Kelly!! sori ngeon lang.eto na ung resyult ng profiling ni Sir Cruz:

- 3 stars for extreme regression! haha
- Your current focus are the places important on career direction / financial direction
- You are passionately in love with sensual contact importance
- You have internal anger
- you are very intelligent, with vitality in life. Naks!
- you have anxiety
- You are extroversive = loves people
- Sexual disturbance
- dominating

Peborit House MD Album Track

2007-11-29T09:00:00.000+08:00

Sarah scared me with this one.. hold on to your breath, and Bible, guys, coz you just might lose grip of both of them once you heard Dear God's haunting music and lyrics.

"Dear God"
Sarah McLachlan

Dear God,
Hope you got the letter and
I pray you can make it better down here.
I don't mean a big reduction in the price of beer
But all the people that you made in your image,
See them starving on their feet
'Cause they don't get enough to eat
From God
I can't believe in you.

Dear God,
Sorry to disturb you, but
I feel that I should be heard loud and clear.
We all need a big reduction in the amount of tears
And all the people that you made in your image,
See them fighting in the street
'Cause they can't make opinions meet

About God,
I can't believe in you.

Did you make disease, and the diamond blue?
Did you make mankind after we made you?
And the devil too?!

Dear God,
Don't know if you noticed, but...
Your name is on a lot of quotes in this book,
Us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look,
And all the people that you made in your image,
Still believing that junk is true
Well I know it ain't, and so do you

Dear God,
I can't believe in...
I don't believe in...

I won't believe in heaven and hell.
No saints, no sinners, no devil as well.
No pearly gates, no thorny crown.
You're always letting us humans down.
The wars you bring, the babes you drown.
Those lost at sea and never found,
And it's the same the whole world 'round.
The hurt I see helps to compound
That Father, Son and Holy Ghost
Is just somebody's unholy hoax
And if you're up there you'd perceive
That my heart's here upon my sleeve.
If there's one thing I don't believe in.....

It's you.....
Dear God.

Old Crimes Make Good Music

2007-11-26T07:36:00.001+08:00

Aside from CSI Las Vegas (or Nevada), Cold Case and House M.D are the only TV series which are worth my time. The Miami and NY versions of CSI have become so serious that I couldn't watch them without a cup of coffee within my reach. My caffeinated beverage has enough more zest in it than Horatio and Mac's crime stories. Moreover, it prevents me from dozing off while listening to litanies of always well-dressed crime busters. Where's the FUN, guys? Is adding a pinch of humor or wearing Grissom's designer not good for the ratings?

Do you know that Jorja Fox (Sara) has just left Grissom's team? She recently ended her career of digging up evidences and putting bad guys behind bars. I think she was replaced by that girl who's always taking pictures. Well, moving on...

I developed love-hate syndrome for Dr. House. One time he's so admirable, at other times I just want to hit his working leg with a baseball bat. I tend to stick more to things I despise and adore at the same time than those things which seem to good to be true. Anyway, House is currently hitting on a fresh, young Intern, Thirteen, played by Olivia Wilde. 13's cute by the way.

Cold Case, on the other hand, is the only show that leaves me teary-eyed (sobs). The characters in this TV series don't talk like they know everything, and they don't introduce you to laboratory machines that you never thought exist. Let's just say that Cold Case presents life dramas, without the too sappy or cerebral lines. Every episode is composed of journeys to the past -- 1930s, 40's, 50'... you name the year, Lily Rush's team will go back to those years to show you that truth can't be buried by time. If you have the resources, watch last night's episode "Justice". One of the best so far.

If you're a real music lover, then watching Cold Case is a must for you. Why? Because the show plays beautiful music coming from different genres, and decades, depending on the victim's death year. I will be posting songs used in today and succeeding episodes. Yey! Free Music!

Secret Heart

2007-11-20T23:27:00.000+08:00

If you've only known Feist as the musical entity who lends life to the iPod Nano commercial with its "1234", or you absolutely have no idea what I am talking about, then I assume you are at the brink of TV or tagalog pocketbooks overdose. Music world is not only inhabited by Britney, Justin, Beyonce, or your personal rockstar Gods. If your mP3 player is infested with FallOut Boy or My Chemical Romance songs, I suggest that you bring down those fences and save yourself from the clutches of pop monotonies. Listen to other people's voices, or tunes that sound as if they came from outer space. Trust me, if they can't satisfy you like the way you've done a virgin, at least they will leave you one count less of ignorance. You've tasted another flavor, and that is always a good thing.

Going back to my introduction of Feist, its melancholic "Secret Heart" is the sh*t. If "Gimme More" gives you orgasm, then you are creepy. However, if you find yourself teary-eyed after listening to this favorite song of mine from Feist, then that means we could both agree that Justin Timberlake is/was hot. Is for you, was for me. Cheers!

Secret heart

What are you made of
What are you so afraid of
Could it be
Three simple words
Or the fear of being overheard
What's wrong

Let em' in on your secret heart

Secret Heart
Why so mysterious
Why so sacred
Why so serious
Maybe you're
Just acting tough
Maybe you're just not man enough
What's wrong

Let em' in on your secret heart

This very secret
That you're trying to conceal
Is the very same one
That You're dying to reveal
Go tell him how you feel

Secret heart come out and share it
This loneliness, few can bear it
Could it have something to do with
Admitting that you just can't go through it alone?

Let em' in on your secret heart

This very secret
That you're trying to conceal
Is the very same one
That you're dying to reveal
Go tell him how you feel
This very secret heart

Go out and share it
This very secret heart

From Friendster to Driving Down Memory Lane

2007-11-19T02:14:00.000+08:00

Combine an Internet-ready laptop with a whole lot of free time and you will get hours of Friendster profiles viewing cum stalking. At least that's the case for a typical Filipino websurfer like me. For many years, although its popularity is experiencing a decline now due to the incessant emergence of much better or less irritating other social networking sites, Friendster has served many purpose: as an e-message account (inbox), egoistic flooders sanctuary (bulletin board), self-importance booster (testimonials), design contest (profile skins customization) and a place where you can prove friend-worthiness through statistics (hello? you have 2 full accounts with 500 persons each, yeah yeah, but look, exactly the same people in both accounts, duh.)

"Have you seen (put high school acquaintance name here)'s Friendster account?" Yes. No. Depends on how much time I have and how important the person is to me. Truth is, I rarely take a peek at profiles of people I only consider as acquaintances. Well, make that thing of the past. Going through a long bumhood has taken its toll on me. Laziness has worsen, ass got fatter, and I became a social network butterfly. Even profiles of people who used to bore me in high school or I hardly knew at all received pagehits from me. After long hours of practicing voyeurism, without its sexual connotation, its only then that I realized that, wow, the changes that had taken place are so many and shockingly enormous.

Take Jan (not real name) for example. He was my classmate way back 2nd year high school and he's gay, and weird. The gay part is OK, but the weirdness is not. We really believed he was downright crazy. I even caught him looking like a druggie once in a jeepney because he had soporific eyes and wearing dirty clothes. In school, he always get bullied, and I actually believed that the occassional beating will do him good because he did things that made him a deserving target. There goes my morbid side, haha! Well, I read from his profile (propped up to the T), I read that the underdog from the past turned into a call center agent, then into a jetsetter, and finally, someone who works in an account maintenance department somewhere in North Carolina. However, I don't want to call this a success story, only a good life transition (they're not the same!), because I don't know if he's still the same obnoxious person who managed to piss off everyone before. (Note: He was a friend, never an enemy. I liked him for being hilarious, and he was a good company, now drop that suspicion that this entry is for the purpose of revenge... I am happy for him, really.)

Then there are these people who used to be big, famous, and proud for reasons unclear to me. Where are they now? Some started families (or baby factories), some became nobodies in college. Most of the geeks found refuge in the dark world of rock, where by holding a guitar and singing emo songs, they get the attention of rockstar wannabe kids and hot chicks. The hearthrobs are now incompetent parents, working wherever a high school diploma can be accepted. Well, not all of them, as some are trying nursing to escape parenthood and experience instead the promise of snow and dollars in some foreign land. Let's see, who else? The brainiacs? They are now probably disappointed in their selves or in the system. However, in a few years, they will learn how to play the game and will become part of the saddening system. The belief that they have the power to change the world and bring equality will, little by little, fade into the background as a corrupted soul will take over. When they already have the money to buy the things they want, like other people's souls, they will tag their lives as "success stories". What happened to the ordinary or average people who consider wisdom and kindness as the ultimate treasures? They are on the road to the pinnacle of true success. Only they have no idea that they're on it.

Scratch Me, Says Itch

2007-11-13T09:27:00.000+08:00

"Okay, okay..." I replied.

Ewan Ko Sayo!

2007-11-09T03:36:00.000+08:00

O most ingenious Theuth, the parent or inventor of an art is not always the best judge of the utility or inutility of his own inventions to the users of them. And in this instance, you who are the father of letters, from a paternal love of your own children have been led to attribute to them a quality which they cannot have; for this discovery of yours will create forgetfulness in the learners' souls, because they will not use their memories; they will trust to the external written characters and not remember of themselves. The specific which you have discovered is an aid not to memory, but to reminiscence, and you give your disciples not truth, but only the semblance of truth; they will be hearers of many things and will have learned nothing; they will appear to be omniscient and will generally know nothing; they will be tiresome company, having the show of wisdom without the reality.
- - Plato, The Phaedrus

Does this mean that Plato, if living at the present, would choose not to bring his writing to the Web? Is Plato, the Greek geek who theorized the presence of a third sex called androgyny, adherent/preserver of old school style of writing which consists of pen and paper could never be a techie? I applaud him for prophecizing a future filled with inventions that make life easy but at the same time, lessen our interest in nourishing our minds. Shortened text messages that look like a composition of an illiterate, saving birthdays and other important events in cellphones instead of simply having the memory and heart to remember them, normal people using audiobooks, subscribing to e-mail alerts so as not to forget schedules... these are some of the products of technology which both Plato and I may disapprove of. However, blog is an exemption.

The advent of blogs, for me, had been the impetus behind the revival of people's enthusiasm towards writing. The art undergone its dark age, and it struggled to find its savior. Along came the Internet. It has all the powerful tools that cost very little or nothing at all. Add open source to that and we're facing a possible digital anarchy because resources here are more likely to remain if they are given away. The Web invited us to "log" on and experience another world, an imaginary repository of every information known by humankind and probably the machinery that can lead us to the unearthing of the undisclosed. And we all know that by writing, we reveal a secret. Therefore, the web serves as the vault of people's secrets as it is home to open journals. Once accumulated, processed, and summed up, words can be reduced to a sentence revealing a simple fact. Or, if one goes against the another, the thesis + antithesis = synthesis applies.

It means we get to learn more about the generalities of life. Get to know more about people and their behaviors, learn from them or learn to deal with them in case of misaligned beliefs. But you know what's so great about our blog writing? It acts as a mirror to our souls. Ugly words reflect an ugly inside, and sometimes, great yet misused talent. It is up to you if you want to be seen as ordinary, a great person, a great writer, or both. So, for me, it doesn't matter if your thoughts were written on paper or on-line. Just write... and let me know about you.

Crazy Talk

2007-11-08T19:49:00.000+08:00

I didn't make these up. These are my mom's (who works as nurse at the psychiatric department of a hospital) own "all in a day's work" experiences:

1) Baliw 1: What are you looking at?!
Baliw 2: Because I have Eyes to look!!

2) Baliw: If you try to touch me again I will drink my pee and play with my poo!
Mom: (Pretending not to be affected by the threat) Do whatever you want with your body, it's your body anyway.
Baliw: You know, you're right.

Thinking she outsmarted her patient, my mom left for a moment to grab a quick bite in the ward's kitchen. When she got back, she saw the same patient licking the floor like... crazy. (Ewwww!)

Let Me Whine on Wednesday

2007-11-07T04:29:00.000+08:00

This post's supposed to be wordless, but I felt the need to explain myself for posting this photo. First off, the source. I got this from a friend's photo album in Friendster. No, he doesn't look like this in person, neither his mom nor girlfriend. I don't know where he got this but I must admit it made me laugh out loud the first time I saw it. However, the intention was not to ridicule this person or mock her for being in such miserable condition. I laughed because she has that funny look on her face, that's all. Laughing was just the initial reaction. It was followed by other emotions which are not as good as the first. Reality does bite. Ouch.

Here (New Milford, NJ), when a homeless, crazy, or both, people roam around the residential area, somebody will call the police. Once caught, the deranged destitute will then be turned over to a hospital. There, they will be given food, shelter, recreational activities, and someone to talk to. I should know, my mother works in one hospital where such services are being rendered. Even though in reality, homeless men are to be considered as a burden because a) they don't pay taxes b) they can cause harm at times and c) they are community eyesores, their government creates and implements programs which can help alleviate, if not completely resolve, the problem.

You see, that's the reason I refused to take the civil service exam and become a member of my country's team of government employees. I will puke all over the place and totally hate myself if I ever do that. I am so well versed with the ins and outs of our rotten political system that I can say that Philippine public service is a farce. And no, changing my mind about it or taking back what I just said or having faith whatsoever won't make things right. I am one small voice in a country where oligarchy reigns and people's dignity are bought to be OK about it. Where the middle class work their asses off to put more money in the elite class' bank accounts and some spare changes to their own. I can say a lot more but I am tired. Many Filipinos have already done this; wrote their honest observations just to be tagged as brain-drained sellouts in the end. Can't blame them, though, truth is really hard to swallow.

So, are you still laughing?

About the Job Interview

2007-11-04T22:41:00.000+08:00

... ndi ako pumunta kasi malayo daw yun sabi ni mama. hehe.. So I had to send an e-mail containing the explanation for the non-appearance. I got a reply: "Thanks for letting me know."

That only means one thing: I'm still an unproductive citizen. Huhu.

Latest RadioHead Album for $_ _._ _ (It's Up 2 U!)

2007-11-03T07:51:00.000+08:00

On Oct. 10, Radiohead, one of the world's most beloved, respected, and unpredictable bands, self-released their first new album in four years. (Capitol had put out their previous six discs.) The rabidly anticipated new album, In Rainbows. When it comes time to pay, you'll encounter four short words that might come as a surprise: ''It's up to you.'' The album's price, that is. Five dollars? Your call. Ten? Sure, sounds good. Nothing at all? Hey, whatever works for you. ''I'm just glad everyone's hearing it at the same time,'' says Radiohead guitarist Jonny Greenwood. ''That was the point, really.'' -- Source

Entire album. Cool band. Legal download. Go for it. Just type 0.00 in the price field and wait for the download link to appear. Don't want to fill up the registration form for the download? Go to the Music section of my Multiply. I'll be uploading all ten tracks from the album. However, I insist you download the album yourself. It feels different because this time, by downloading the file, you are actually supporting the artist. So, if you life Radiohead, visit inrainbows.com now... and as always, ENJOY!

Fall: The Season of Immersion

2007-11-03T01:57:00.000+08:00

First they'll turn yellow, then red, and eventually, they'll fall and kiss the ground. Just when you thought you can't possibly reach even just one, they'll let go and surrender to gravity at that time when they are most beautiful. Now that they are gathered on the floor, can you tell which leaf among the thousands fallen you admired last season?

Case File Labo-Labo

2007-11-02T23:53:00.000+08:00

The Case of the Wounded Pride

Last night, I lost my soul. It was taken away by a God-like, pretending to be God, entity who seeks to eliminate people with perverted minds. She brought my soul to the court of justice, to punish me for the crimes she described as "contemptible". The judge asked the plaintiff, "Can you describe to me the nature of the crime committed?"

"A disgraceful deed your Honor! A deplorable act that degraded my worth as as person!" Said the woman who, I noticed, seems to be a descendant of Aprhodite as she carries the same endearing features -- beauty, charm, and intelligence. Unfortunately, these characteristics were deemed good-for-nothing as they caused the most destructible and bloodstained era in Greek Mythology -- the Trojan War.

"The exact nature, my dear. Recount to us every detail of the grave misfortune you have suffered in the hands of this wicked creature." The judge stared at me with the look that says "you and deadly crocodiles... together in a cage!"

However, amid the frightening facial expression of the lady judge, I felt that justice is being served regularly in her court. The streaks of silver gray hair were like flowers in full bloom, growing healthy on top of a rich, well-nourished soil. Although she tried to hush them by using a coloring formula, the pigmentless tresses scream of old age and wisdom.

"Persecute her soul, your Honor, give her the heaviest penalty imposed here! Burn her! If that would not be possible, give me the chance to strangle her to death!" There is fire, anger in my accuser's eyes.

"Permission granted if you can convince me of her guilt by presenting me the facts, not your emotions. I don't have another minute to waste, if you can't tell me what happened then I can grant this soul liberty and..."

"She hurt me, your Honor! I'm bleeding to death!"

Suddenly, whispers commenced. and "Innocent, innocence, not guilty..." were the words circulating around the packed court room. Can't blame them, though, the lady who claimed to be damaged by my actions is in perfect shape.

"Appellant, do you happen to know your crime? Only the truth please, as my ears are swollen hearing indictment demands without evidences of culpability."

"I really don't know, but I have an idea"

"What is it then?"

"I hurt her."

The repeated, angry sound of the gavel echoed around the room. As the judge takes off her robe, the witnesses to my trial head to the exit doors.

I am free to go... unless you tell me what it is I have done wrong, between the two of us, I can't be the prisoner.

Sole Solace

2007-11-02T16:08:00.000+08:00

People move on or out. They have gone to places -- varied and countless. While many have claimed that we're living in such a small shell, that one may get lost but not for too long, I guess some souls can only get to meet once. And that moment, no matter how wonderful it is, can only last for what it really is -- a moment. Brief yet marks heavily on our minds.

That was my only consolation; whether you like it or not, you'll think of me... and you will remember.

Filipino Millionaire Parks His Ferrari in NY

2007-10-30T00:35:00.000+08:00

A Filipino walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to the Philippines on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Filipino hands over the keys of a new Ferrari.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Filipino produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Pinoy for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Pinoy returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away,we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Pinoy replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

-- ASTEEEEGG!

(stolen goods from Disenyo)

A Series of Anonymous Apologies

2007-10-26T09:08:00.000+08:00

Call this Part 1

Sorry, Words...
Be careful with words, they will reveal who you really are. Resist the urge to express yourself at the height of a negative emotion, like anger or jealousy. It is a given right, I know, but that way, you can be sure that the pain you feel is not self-inflicted. It was caused by inconsiderate, immature people. Remember this, you don't really hate them. You are just disappointed. Breathe. Forgive and move on. That's what another day is for...

Lazy Bloggers Do This...

2007-10-24T19:49:00.000+08:00

...post a quote. hehe:

Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like.

~ Will Rogers

News Update

2007-10-21T10:23:00.000+08:00

There Will Be Paris in Rwanda

After immersing herself in deep thoughts, she finally realized that all those partying and non-pantying make her feel empty inside. (Aww..) That's why Paris, the hot Hilton heiress, is about to go backpacking to hit war-torn, poverty-ridden Rwanda. Hopefully, creating a sex video with a native is not her idea of a charitable work.

Joe Torre Says NO to New Contract Offer

Yankees fan will surely yak as former New York Yankee manager shook his head as sign of rejection to the new contract served before him by the team's big bosses. This time, he plans of running home instead of making home runs.

Birth Control Pills: A Maine School's Gift to 11-year Olds

Due to the alarming increase of young women engaging in sexual activities and getting pregnant, a school in Portland, Maine formulated a new health awareness program which allows students as young as eleven to grab their fair share of state-sponsored free prescription birth control pills. It has to be noted that the same school is also giving out condoms for free, a policy implemented back in 2000. Requests for the male organ shrouds are expected to skyrocket this year forward. Manufacturers of these contraceptives pledged a donation -- a bed in every classroom.

Death to Internet Explorer

2007-10-20T21:39:00.000+08:00

Each time I try to close an extra browser window, I get an annoying pop-up saying that Internet Explorer has stopped working.. blah, blah, blah, closing my current window and opening a new one, which unfortunately, does not have the UNSAVED documents I was working with.

Having enough of this Microsoft-made, unreliable, flaw-ridden, yet PROPRIETARY product, I went to Mozilla's homepage and tried to download Firefox. The purpose was only to have an alternative in case I needed to work on projects which couldn't afford an instant online vanishing. There was no thought of totally getting rid of IE, because I am on Windows Vista and these two programs work together best as both products were deveoped by the same company. Moreover, IE's market share of 77.86% (as of Sept. 2007) is still an impressive figure (newsflash: new age martyrdom / technological masochism on the rise!)

However, I became an absolute Internet Explorer Momus when it won't allow me to download Firefox! Well, I'm not talking about receiving an order from Bill Gates or any of his cohorts commanding me to nevigate away from Firefox's download page. What I get is that irritating pop-up message "Internet Explorer has stopped working... blah, blah, blah.." The crash only happens to Firefox as I could download all the MP3s, and other files from different web sources without a glitch.

Maybe the problem is in Firefox, right? Hell no. You see, web users, ordinary and experts alike, are raving about these other two available web browsers: Avant and Opera. Since I am a My Opera blog proud owner, I left Mozilla's pae and hurriedly visited Opera's. Y'know what? I get the same unpleasant result. Internet Explorer has stopped working... again. OK, let's just move on. I hopped on to Avant's website and clicked the Download button. And... yes, you guessed it right -- same damn alert.

I do this everytime I go online. Up to now, luck is out of sight.

It felt like being married to a worthless man.

Call me doomed.

bored, read.

2007-10-01T15:49:00.000+08:00

Choose to be thankful...

Each and every day is filled with opportunities to be thankful. You can be thankful for your talents, your friends and family, your job and your personal opportunities for improvement. Challenge yourself to display how thankful you are for the things that are around you, the things that you know, and the things that happen because of you.

-- Atlanticare Journal

I've been itching to post an entry about emotions but I thought that would definitely ruin my entire October. Celebrating my birthday with only two people close to me around is hard enough, so I guess a non-fiction heartbreak story could wait to be published. Maybe the coldness and unfamiliarity of the place could help nurse the aching heart; numb it until it learns how to forget. Bitterness, bitterness, here you go again. I said I will just be thankful that it happened, although it was vehemently denied. How can you be grateful for an occurrence which transpired only in your mind? Thank the person for the illusion.

Thank You.

A Quick Fix

2007-09-30T13:02:00.000+08:00

I'm here. =) After 24++ hours of flying, we finally reached our new home in NJ. Got sick so my bro and mom shopped without me. I swear it was those bland airline food's fault that I ended up with no shopping bag on my hand. Fish fillet with parsley sauce? The name's the only part which was enticing. Once you had a taste of it, you'll wish you should've packed your adobo leftovers instead.

We're okay. I'm doing fine. But still, no place is better than where my friends and loved ones are. I miss all of you.

This is My World...

2007-09-20T20:36:00.000+08:00

If my memory serves me right, the reason I signed up to a Multiply account was because I needed a platform for self-expression. It was never about attracting attention or making people agree with what I believe in. Not everything I say is right, but that wasn't enough license for arrogant boors to come here and pester me with their inane theatrics. This is my world, and my guess is, I'm allowed to discuss topics here which I deem important, no holds barred. However, I felt obliged to keep my composure amidst every antagonistic statement made against me because people expect me to always do the right thing. So, I will continue to ignore some people's shameless display of childishness and stupidity on this blog. I just can't help but feel sorry for MY blog because it is fast becoming a stage for clowns and jesters. Oh well, I hate dealing with inerudites, anyway. It makes me feel like I belong to the lower class. My professors will be disappointed.

This is why I miss blog in its infancy stage, the time when only a limited number of people can create and manage one. Bloggers back then were not mere whiners, they actually make sense. They post entries with substance written in an eloquent way. Even when they have to say something bad about somebody, they are always able to pull it off without losing breeding and dignity. With creativity and wit, negative emotions were tamed and presented as valuable life lessons. Sorry haters, I want to be this kind of blogger. Wherever you think you are, I can't go that low....

Realizations... Messages...

2007-09-08T21:38:00.000+08:00

I think people are miserable because they choose to harbor negative feelings.

"You despise what you can't have" -- an old saying that cuts like a knife. (oops, i heard an "ouch!")

Do we really have to make someone look bad just to feel better?

And yeah, my friend is such a lousy person he deserved to be judged based on some blog entries filled with irrational dramaturgies. Please invite more people to drop their two cents' worth of views about people they don't really know. Thank you.

Of course, I'm affected by the going-ons in your life. You sell dramas like they are pancakes! You see, I'd rather feel sorry for you than those people dying from starvation and incurable diseases. They don't suffer from the same kind of agony you are going through right now, do they?

Racquel is an ASSSShole -- is there something new to it? Write a blog entry about me, send my ego into orbit!

WAHAHAHA!

2007-09-05T18:24:00.000+08:00

Parang Upuan ko ung uupuan nya ahh... ahahaha!

Tama nga naman.. sundin na lang natin...

Broken Promises Are Rock-Solid Lies

2007-09-04T20:39:00.000+08:00

I love most people, even at times, they can be really annoying. They can do whatever they want -- call me names behind my back, talk shitt about me, and even let them fabricate tall tales. If making me look bad makes them feel better, I'll let them use me as their target of trashing. I really don't mind. I perfectly understand this because I believe ALL people are weird. It's just that the weirdness varies, in forms and degrees. I actually pity them because their weirdness sucks, the kind that is very irritating. But hey, like I already said, I understand it and can even withstand it.

What I can't stand are broken promises. You see, some people told me before that they will give me something great because I deserved it. Armed with nothing more but a strong enthusiasm, I patiently waited. Trust -- I gave this to these people wholeheartedly. Time already worn out the faith of other people around me, but I was still there. I am the one wearing a hopeful smile and a glistening pair of happy eyes. "Stupid body parts", my heart said. "How could you act as if I'm not suffering?"

Days passed and the people whom I entrusted my happiness to are still out of sight. Some show up on certain occassions, but when they do, I consider it even more disappointing. Their faces are now wearing masks of innocence. As if they didn't utter sweet promises before. As if they never did anything wrong that could possibly broke my heart. As if I was nothing. Too bad, I cared for them and will always care for them even if my mind dictates my heart not to.

If your weirdness is insincerity, you are worse than the kind of weird mentioned in the first paragraph. But if your weirdness is trusting people to fulfill their promises to you, you are the worst kind of weird.

Broken promises are rock-solid lies, aren't they? Oh Irony!

Goobye Is A Sweet Invention

2007-08-30T01:54:00.000+08:00

I hate myself for being a conformist sometimes.

Why is it that when parting time comes around, all that we could say to the ones who are leaving is "Goodbye"? When in fact, there are so many other words that could best describe how we feel about the whole, sad situation, right? Goodbye is such a weak word; too plain and empty. Behind that word must be a great meaning, but we have no idea what it is. Do we care? At least we have "goodbye". We have something to use when the sad, sad situation hit us so hard that when we try to speak, we know words would only follow after the tears have already fell.

Goodbye is short. We have time to control the emotions after uttering the word. We can try to hide the watery eyes by immediately wearing a weak smile amidst the heavy heart. I know, it's like I'm trying to portray goodbye as a form of faking or some kind of a lie, but I like it a lot. It is such a sweet invention built to cover up the sweetest, yet mushy, stuff. It will be a very good replacement for the words I love you, be a better writer, sorry if I annoyed you, thanks for the friendship, I learned a lot from you, you made me a better person, I will never forget you, you made my stay here worthwhile, thanks for the memories, and I will miss you.

I heard goodbye will be a very in demand word in the coming days. I should know, I am part of the trend. Did I already mention that I hate being a conformist?

I Don't Think So, Buddy...

2007-08-25T19:49:00.000+08:00

Hayup ka boredom! Dinadala mo ako sa mga lugar na ayoko namang puntahan! Salamat na rin kasi natawa ko dun ha? Hahaha!

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you”
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

I promised to myself yesterday that I won't be writing a single word this Saturday. However, while trying to find something new and interesting on the web, the browser took me to a disgusting place. A site that made me puke, laugh out loud, puke again, and write because of so much bulllshitt going on there.

They say reading should be a pleasant experience, but this one delivered something so infuriating I had to give up a smirk. For an author who shamelessly abused the beauty of words, a much deserving reward.

If only I were completely clueless of the bittersweet realities of this form of farce called life, maybe I could have lauded you for writing entries that perfectly adhered to the rules of grammar and sentence construction. You are a good writer. However, because I am not a fan of intolerable rudeness and hypocrisy, I'd rather keep my list of "Writers to Look Up To" short than see your name on it.

Hay ang nega-nega nire! Azzzar kasi some tao eh! - HAHAHA!

Obsessing Over Taktakan...

2007-08-19T03:08:00.000+08:00

Dancing in all its forms cannot be excluded from the curriculum of all noble education; dancing with the feet, with ideas, with words, and, need I add that one must also be able to dance with the pen? ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Due to the ceaseless inflow of obligatory work-related (read: must do) tasks, my bum rarely gets off the chair, whether I'm in the office or at home. The only parts of my body which experience some workout are my eyes and fingers. My eyes do the reading while my fingers move to retell in a non-derivative way the skimmed and scanned articles. Oh, I forgot to include my brain that I believe is already flecked with shades of black and blue because of the beating it suffered, and still suffers, from trying to understand complicated computer and business terms simultaneously.

"To dance is to be out of yourself. Larger, more beautiful, more powerful. This is power, it is glory on earth and it is yours for the taking." ~ Agnes De Mille

Because of these mentally challenging tasks that require me to sit down, shut up, and enslave myself for long hours, I miss doing some things which I really love. One of them is going to my "exclusive" dancefloor located at the 2nd floor of our house; the wide open area in front of the radio. I miss tapping my feet, swinging my hips, and swaying my hands all together in the most awkward ways. Forgive me, but dancing makes me happy. The more stupid-looking the moves are, the more I enjoy doing them. Don't worry, I always make sure that the windows are closed whenever I feel the urge to lose my sanity temporarily and relish the wonderful solitary moments with an upbeat music. I want to dance! My body is longing to make love with music. Let me dance, let me dance!

There are short-cuts to happiness, and dancing is one of them. ~ Vicki Baum

Whenever I dance, I feel like I'm in another world. A place where nobody will stare at me and say "dancing is not for you" just because my feet and the rest of my body could not coordinate very well. I want to dance because it is one of the very few life's activities that can really tire me out yet make me feel so alive! When you dance, you are giving yourself the chance to live the life of a person you really want to be, or go back to that happiest part of your childhood. That time when you are so carefree because you don't have any idea how cruel and judgmental the society is, which, unfortunately, you are a member of. During that time, you are not required to understand and follow rules yet. Yes, I recapture those lost memories when I dance. Dancing takes my weary heart and spirit in a place of pure innocence and freedom; happiness in its unadulterated form.

We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~ Japanese Proverb

Tomorrow is Sunday. I will deal with my backlog later in the afternoon and allot generous time for dancing early morning and late at night. I will dance again, I swear, and just to make things new, I think I'll leave the windows open this time... NOT!! Hahaha!

The Guessing Game

2007-08-09T22:57:00.000+08:00

I never meant to hide anything from anybody, but I love to be deciphered. Amuse me, tell me what's on my mind. If you're correct, there will be a reward. A grin -- another puzzle -- let me see if you are the type who wouldn't easily give up. If you are wrong, you are entitled to another try. There is really no point in guessing because nothing will be confirmed nor denied.

For 1460 days, it soared. Left a moment the blue sky to perch on a precious stone. A slave and master of omnifarious phraseology, stimulates fiery ardor in my pusillanimous organ of tumtum.

Haaaay...

2007-08-08T23:59:00.000+08:00

Dear Reader,

If you know of any method that can help me get rid of this pervertd mind, please tell me about it.

Due to heavy rain and severe case of laziness, I have decided to turn our house into a workplace. Yes, I didn't have enough courage to get out and face the challenges of real world. I stayed at home to be with our four ugly and stinky dogs so I could smell like them for just one day. However, I decided to spend the whole day in front of the computer instead after I noticed that the dogs are trying to avoid me. With a broken heart, I told them, "Offsite ako ngayon...". They just gave me that look that expressed apathy. Oh well...

I thought that by working off-site, I will have the chance to finish my work earlier than usual (usual = late). I was wrong. The presence of Multiply, Blogger, and Friendster made me lose my focus on XML and SSI. I also found other interesting websites that made me forget about my so-called professional duties. Even my vainglory got in the way. I googled my online anonym "naughtykel" and I found the link to my old site where I used to post stories about my crushes and my thoughts about them.

Some entries were real sick! Hahaha! I am so ashamed of everything I've written there! And I even posted my picture! What really bothered me were the comments made by the other members... they were asking the same question! Oh, well... no need to worry now, I already deleted every entry and all those comments that will haunt me for a long time. Hehehe... =)

Baliw, Baliw, Baliw!

2007-08-08T09:44:00.000+08:00

After a sumptuous dinner (Kim, it was sumptuous, right?) at Shakey's, Kim and I went to Malate last Saturday night. He was wearing decent clothes while I was struggling to retain confidence with my pambahay outfit - baggy pants and a shirt that looked like as if it had been worn by my mother during her bagets years. Well, the icing on top of the cake were my slippers that are a bit oversized for my feet. Well, that's one weird thing about me. I like my footwears a bit oversized for my feet. But wait, let's not talk about my weirdness for now because I intend to keep this entry short.

So, there, I was wearing a horrendous outfit while walking under a dark sky. It showered us with tiny bits of raindrops that I believe Kim didn't really enjoy for he was always looking for shelter. I hate rain, too, but that particular night, I wanted to be at the center of the crowded street. A crazy thought. If I do that, will the jeepney driver allow an all soaked-up, deranged-looking woman, to hop in his ride? And, of course, how can Kim possibly handle all those strange stares? Those were the thoughts playing inside my head while I was outside Starbucks, waiting for Kim to finish answering a "call".

I found one more hindrance to my plan of getting everybody's attention. Cars. The streets are teeming with cars. My attention shifted from cars to a woman who was wearing dirty clothes, peering through the clear glass walls of Starbucks. I was about to turn my back from my crazy thoughts when a group of people passed by. The girls look like models, runway models, that is. They were wearing make-up and skimpy,trendy clothes (I think everything skimpy now are considered trendy), like the ones seen on TV. They look just the same and they even move in similar, orchestrated ways. My mind whispered something to my other self, "With people like that here, how can I make people believe that I am the one who's crazy?"

How Can I Sue Natalie Williams

2007-08-05T18:54:00.000+08:00

Natalie Williams plagiarized me!

-- Haha! I can't believe this...

Time Was Made For Waiting...

2007-08-03T05:40:00.000+08:00

Waiting and hoping are the whole of life, and as soon as a dream is realized it is destroyed.
- Gian Carlo Menotti

People queue up to get the best things in life, even if the line is long and the lady inside the booth seems to enjoy taking away one's sweet time. Waiting is said to be the surest way to arrive at that place where success and happiness dwell. This premise looks like it holds some truth in it. But there goes another truth that my twisted mind has created, or realized.

I am one of those people who once preferred patience over aggressiveness. I believe that fate had given me too many free rides before but I refused to hop on because of this thought that played on my mind all those times. This wasn't meant for me. I always see myself as an ordinary person and the opportunities laid down in front of me seem too good to be true. That's why I just closed my eyes and let them pass, thinking I don't really deserve them. So, when I opened my eyes and found them gone, it was really disappointing. However, it was easy for me to accept it because I am, after all, have the lavish of time.

Time was made for waiting. I have spent most of my time tiring myself out by just waiting. Suddenly, I saw myself stepping out of the line. Is this a sign of impatience? I don't think so. I just realized that it isn't really success or happiness that I wanted all along. Fulfillment. That was just it. And I don't think I will find that treasure at the end of the line. Why? Just because the people who were there lining up with me to have a heyday on the bed of roses wear the same worn out faces, or masks. Whatever it is, I'm not interested in having it.

To wait is to let yourself experience a lonesome solitude. And the people who chose to wait in vain were not really happy with what they got from the lady at the booth. I'm not saying that the careless ones should be applauded. They, too, have followed the wrong principles and even disregarded the importance of time.

My point is, step up. Don't leave everything to chance. People who play safe are bleeding because they don't want to bleed. By not getting out of your shell, you can hide from the vicious claws of reality. But that means you get to stay in the dark, too. So, if you really want something, grab it; but don't be careless. Don't be careless with other people's feelings. Also, don't be selfish. Give everything you got

Time was made for waiting. So, how long? Well, good luck on your quest of finding a clock that talks.

When Should A First Time Be The Last Time?

2007-07-30T00:36:00.000+08:00

while she was nursing my old wounds, somebody gave me a gun and asked me to shoot her. Without hesitations, I pointed it at her head. She heard a clicking sound.

A stare. She didn't look scared or nervous or as if she's about to beg for mercy. The alcohol bottle was left uncapped so its sweet, irritating scent dispersed in the air and hit my nostrils. They didn't enjoy the treat.

"Put on the cap" I said.

"Shoot me first... do it. Make sure you got enough rounds there to finish me off immediately" The matter-of-factly way she stated that order made me tighten my grip on the gun.

"I can do that... " I smiled.

She smirked, and went back to wiping off the blood that trickled down from my chest.

"go ahead, you cripple... Make sure your ego goes on living a normal life again once you pulled the trigger. You insecure son of a bithch... why can't you understand that this is just how fools act in a decent world. We need to hide a part of ourselves that make us complete and just show what actually pleases other people? He owns me. He holds my hand. We become one at times. But after that, I am alone again, a lost soul. And this! This has become my home!"

Darkness and silence go well together, don't they?

"...I don't need you anymore." A lie.

"you are bleeding"
"you've caused this..."
"I know, that's why I am here..."
"Why can't you just pull out the dagger?"

She laughed... a long, hard laugh. I think she finds it really funny because her hand is touching her tummy.

she finally said, "you know we both enjoy being here and doing this..."

Our eyes met. We smiled at first... then a gush of realizations flooded my mind. That's the time we both laughed together, hands on our tummies.

My Morrie is Mrs. Reyes Part 1

2007-07-11T23:22:00.000+08:00

Tuesdays With Morrie has made its way to the hearts of countless hopefuls praying for a teacher who carries a magic wand that can turn a senseless life to a journey worth the burdensome traversing. The moving lines uttered by Morrie are like sounds that continue to resonate even in my deepest slumbers. However, that sweet haunting lasted for only a couple of weeks. Now, I can not seem to recall even just a single sentence from the book that used to make me shiver amidst the remorseless heat of the sun. I must admit, I have a poor memory and the fact that I just borrowed the book from a friend didn't help at all. There is no way I could restock the enlightening messages in my brain. I swear, they managed to reach my heart but they couldn't leave a mark on that organ that is as black as the stormy night of the arrival of the seven plagues.

I forgot the lines maybe because I am a born follower of whatever is deemed disgusting and wrong. Or maybe, I never believed that a person like that can ever exist in reality. Whether Morrie is Mitch Albom's figment of mind or a real-life character, I don't really care. Morrie is the author's winning lottery ticket -- someone that means a lot, but, too bad, a person who will least likely come my way. Well, life has its way of effectively rebutting my arguments. Shame, shame, I heard, when Mrs. Reyes walked into my life.

Mrs. Dolores Reyes was my teacher in International Relations, American Government, and Modern Political Theories. I wish she was a bit younger when she served as our professor. At age 74, her ears are not in perfect condition anymore, thus, we needed to repeat whatever it is that we have said with a voice loud enough but still respectful. While most of my classmates were running after good grades to score a Latin honor at the end our senior years in college by reading voluminous books like the penal codes, I preferred taking a seat beside Mrs. Reyes to listen and learn from her stories.

...to be continued. antok na ko eh...

zzzZZ...

Not Good Enough...

2007-06-03T10:15:00.000+08:00

I'm thinking of switching to a new career. The kind of job I can be really good at. I hate this feeling of being a wanna-be writer only. I feel very much fulfilled when I finish an article. It is an unparalleled elation my spirit has reached when I see my name below the article title. However, I'm afraid writing was not really the profession destined for me. Once you read my writings, you will definitely agree with me when I say that I am "ordinary". I can only produce outputs which are of "average" quality.

This is not a proclamation of perfectionism on my part. I so abhor people who expect everything to fall on its proper places. Even experts commit grammar mistakes, I know, but grammar is not the reason I feel inscure. Serial commas and subject-verb (dis)agreements were my usual blunders. However, that can be easily corrected with a help of keen eyes. It is thy writing style I don't have. Since high school, I have been writing this way and best believe that some things just won't change. I'm stuck with this pathetic way of constructing sentences. Prepare to be disappointed -- I know very little of the basics of sentence construction. And I don't believe I can further improve and enhance my writing skill anymore. Thus, my deepest apologies go to my English professors, editors and readers. As much as I want to learn more from you guys, thy stubborness wasn't easy to unlearn.

*Sigh* so, what do you think? Should I stay or should I get my Starbucks mug and orange carebear stufftoy seated at my office desk? Is it time for me to write a corporate farewell letter and render unpaid two weeks labor? Damn you, questions! Kel needs time to think.

Speaking of questions.... OMG! Tomorrow is judgment day in U.S Embassy. Lots of questions waiting to be answered. Wish me luck!

Disorganized Thoughts

2007-06-02T02:07:00.000+08:00

Thoughts and ideas are running crazy all over my mind. I do have stories to share but I can't seem to make my brain work properly right now. My fingers are just stuck on the ASDF (spacebar) jkl; keys. So the following is just a rundown of what happened from may 30 - june 1.

May 30, 2007 (wednesday): I missed work. Had to visit St. Luke's extension clinic. I lack required docs so I went to NBI and Manila city hall instead. Got myself an NBI clearance for travel abroad. Birth cert. with NSO authentication will be released on tuesday.

May 31, 2007 (thursday): I missed work again. Went to St. Luke's. Have undergone physical examinations. Had to disrobe competely. I found exposing my bare body to a stranger a not so pleasant experience. I hated it. I also hated the nurse who extracted my blood. I thought she didn't do a good job. I was right. Read on.

June 1, 2007 (friday): The part where the novice nurse stuck the damn needle hurt. Left around the area is some ugly discoloration. I visited a derma in the morning then went back to St. Luke's in the afternoon. My eyes feasted on something wonderful. Don't be too nosey, it's a secret! Haha! Met Dave at Robinson's Ermita at 6pm. ---- chika galore ----- zzZ in the Makati house at 11pm.

Who's Going Out With Me on Wednesday Night?

2007-05-27T15:30:00.000+08:00

Welcome to the Life of a Libran!

LIBRA

Your positive traits:
You are open minded enough to date outside your typical "type" ... successfully!
You are diplomatic - and likely to end a fight instead of dragging things out.
You are easily loyal and faithful, but only for the right person.

Your negative traits:
You're a bit gullible, and partners take advantage of you. You still may not know it.
You find it difficult to decide where to go to dinner, what movie to watch, who to date...
You have to be in a relationship, or else you just don't feel like yourself.

Your ideal partner:
A smooth talker who enjoys socializing as much as you to.
Someone classy and cultured who knows which wine to order with dinner.
Is beautiful to you - although not necessarily attractive in the traditional sense.

Your dating style:
Romantic. If your date comes bearing flowers, wine, and poetry... well, your heart soars.

Your seduction style:
Giving. Your lover's pleasure is as important as your own.
Soft and sensual - you don't like anything to be rough.
Extravagant ... your fantasy involves staying at a five star hotel with your love.

Tips for the future:
Don't be so quick to compromise in relationships - and you'll get taken advantage of yes.
Try being single for a while. Seems impossible, but you'll learn so much about yourself from doing so.
Make some decisions about your romantic life, right now. You'll be happy that you did.

Best color to attract mate: Green

Best day for a date: Wednesday

CALL ME.
hehehe.

May tinapos na kabaliwan. May sinimulan naman.

2007-05-08T22:08:00.000+08:00

May tinapos na kabaliwan. May sinimulan naman.
May tinapos na kabaliwan. May sinimulan naman.
May tinapos na kabaliwan. May sinimulan naman.

Aargh! Sina Pan at Doms lang makakaintindi nito. Nakawala na ko sa nakaraan para makulong sa kasalukuyan. Hehe! Labo!

iba naman, iba naman....

My writing carreer is asking me to marry him.
He asks for too much.
He demands a lot of my time!
He pushes me to my limits!
He is such a pain in the ass...
But I love him so much.

Should I marry him and leave my other "flings"
like
Adobe Photoshop
Painting
Webdesigning
Law Study
Master of Arts in Philosophy degree
Weekly tomaan and galaan
?
??
???

Million Dollar Baby Damulag

2007-04-26T01:13:00.000+08:00

It was just last April 16 when I marched at PICC to receive my college diploma. Exactly one week after, I got hired by Intelligraph and currently, I am processing the pre-employment requirements such as the SSS membership, NBI clearance, PhilHealth... etc. I've been given one week to accomplish the tasks and I must admit that so far, after 2 days of going to many different places, queuing up in many long lines, paying for the services rendered to me and doing all these with limited financial resources, my body is now complaining and asking for just one thing - rest.

Wait! I know what you're thinking, 2 days are too short a time to start grumbling. Of course, I still haven't told you that my feet never stopped roaming the busy streets of Ortigas to attend job interviews, jobs fairs and exams since the day I graduated. You probably don't have any idea that I'm also haggling at ukay stores for formal clothings, a task which requires a good amount of time and energy so as to find decent buys... remember, I'm running on low budget and I don't have a big wardrobe of formal wears so ukay goods will do, at least just for now. After attending to those grueling missions, I still lend some time to accompany my friends in their own quest of finding the job that'll suit their talents.

Truth be told, all these are tiring. Sometimes, I couldn't help but complain, especially at times when I cant seem to find the logical link between the task at hand and my goal. I couldn't understand why some private firms' services are worse than that of government's and why some public servants don't love their job and couldn't hide it. I can't understand why some people wouldn't have the discipline to fall in line but are adept in finding ways to double-cross those who seem "weak" to their eyes. But you know what's weird? After being able to accomplish my tasks for the day, I still go home wearing a smile on my face. The reason for this is not just the fact that I'm already hired, but the reality that my time was used in productive activities. I feel like as long as I know that something is worth working for, I will use up the last drop of my blood just to get it done. At the end of the day, I may reach home drained of energy (and a bit of sanity, too) and out of money, but my heart will be teeming with gladness because I know that I am, little by little, making my dreams come true.

In the movie "Million Dollar Baby", Clint Eastwood's character said this line after asking Hillary Swank's character if she's already tired of her boxing training with the former -- "Just go on. You can rest when you're dead"

I want to rest now, but I believe I will have a lot of time for that in the future, so, corporate world.... Veni, Vidi, Vici!

Cure to Disappointments: Apathy

2007-04-16T01:01:00.000+08:00

APATHY: A state of not caring; not wanting to know; complacency; indifference; to ignore; disinterested in contemplation; anesthetized by popular culture; a postmodern intellectual narcosis; compassion fatigue; too lazy; too busy; self-indulgence; limited choices in work and leisure-time; non-reflection, non-deliberation and subconscious blocking of distressing information.

Do not say sorry. I wasn't hurt. Forget about it.

Onus, Dolorous, Erudite

2007-04-13T03:42:00.000+08:00

googled image only, i certainly am not a guy.. =D

If you consider yourself an erudite (I've used it! For the first time! No! 2nd!) and you know the meanings of the words I've used in the title of this post, then good for you! I wish the range of my vocabulary is as wide as yours because that could have helped in my job screening yesterday! Argh!

The written exam is designed to test our grammar and vocabulary skills. I'm confident in my answers in part 1, which is the grammar test. But in the other half of the exam? NOT! Although I know the meaning of other given high-falluting words in the exam, I know the probability of getting the job I've applied for is very little. I believe so because older (older=more experienced) applicants were also there taking the test with me. Moreover, I read that that company hires only the best, and being a newbie in the corporate world, I don't think they'll consider me as one of the best... at least not yet. Well, if they hire me, I could prove to them that I'm mad to work and desirous of everything at the same time, the one who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"

I'm starting to become a beatnik! Hahahaha!

Madness

2007-04-11T16:35:00.000+08:00

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!" - Jack Kerouac

Is he talking about passion? The rare kind, the same kind I have never ever felt and will never ever have the chance to feel? That wonderful feeling of positivism towards every undertaking; an overflowing enthusiasm that takes hold of one's being so he could climb the top and believe faithfully that he'll stay there for a long time? That insatiable confidence in the abilities and talents he possesses? Like what he has is something so unique that he considers it, not the best, but incomparable? The undying belief that if a bad thing happen, there must be something really good to come?

Or is he talking about plain madness? The kind that had always been inherent in me? That feeling of unexplainable fright to do or take something, because it's so damn hard, but I'll do it anyway because I'm so used to failures already that another one would hardly make any difference. Giving all you've got, even if it pales in comparison with what others have, even if it's so tiring and frustrating, just to show you are able and finding out in the end that, well, it's good enough. And you're so proud of yourself that you start thanking all the people who have become a part of your life, including those who didn't play a big part in your success; even those who have been critical of you or doubtful in your abilities; even those who have just lend you his/her ballpen once... you suddenly love the humanity you once abhor...

I think I really didn't understand the quote.... oh well. I'll just pick an easier one later. hehe.. like, time is gold.. yeah... that will do.

Come out! Come out!

2007-04-11T01:11:00.000+08:00

"come out! come out!" - these were Simon Cowell's words to Ryan Seacrest during one episode of A.I. These are the same words I want to say to somebody now, but can't, because... well, what I have is just a funny feeling and I don't have sufficient evidence to support my allegation. In addition to that, I want to pass on being mean for a while... to pay respect to the recent holy week. Haha! Ok, ok... I don't wanna hurt his feelings.. he seems so fragile! hehe!

Anyway, this person I'm talking about, he appears to be gay to my senses. I don't know, I do hope that he's not, but... tsk, I think I'm pretty much sure about it. (So what, Racquel? Why so bothered?) I'm not bothered!! I just find him funny sometimes. He does things to cover up the truth, but the more he tries to hide it, the more his true identity shows. Lesson: It's ok to hide something, but don't make blatant moves that say "look! I'm hiding something!"... it's sick and crazy and funny! I know I'm not the only one who holds the same opinion about this person... it doesn't take a genius to decipher his true identity.

I find it hard, too, sometimes, to go out not wearing the acceptable mask. I kept on reminding myself that there's no use pleasing the society when in reality, the society doesn't really care about you. Society in general is just a collection of selfish, phony and shallow people, so why even try to belong? Answer: The sad reality --- in every person, there's a part which is either selfish, phony or shallow, and growing up doesn't happen overnight. So, yeah, I'm a fool playing a role sometimes... pathetic, right? Society, I so abhor it but it has become apparent that I'm part of it. But I'm fighting, I swear I'm fighting hard to make changes and I know changes should start within me.

It should start within us, right ***?

(name will be revealed if author is ready for counter-attacks) hehe....

Fruit Salad Wisdom

2007-04-08T00:36:00.000+08:00

apples not discussed, googled image only

Lenten season means boredom season. I'm not saying that it is for everybody, I'm only applying it to myself because, really, you can not expect unreligious people to be productive in a religious time, especially if it's a commemoration of Jesus' death. Anyway, I'm not here to brag about this apathy I feel towards religion, this post doesn't intend to give way to a religious debate. I'm telling you, I don't have any plausible argument against religion. I don't have the time to waste making one.

Anyway, because it's lenten season, I'm stuck here in my Cainta empty palace doing nothing more than eating, sleeping and surfing the net. I feel so unproductive that sometimes, I surrender to my conscience and wash the dishes. Today, I ate the last of Ate Lani's fruit salad and while indulging in the sweet, mouth-watering (drool, baby, drool!) treat, some weird things just came flowing through my mind (like the salad has some illegal substance in it).

The fruit salad includes these fruits: pineapple, papaya, nata de coco, cherries and grapes. There were lots of pineapples and papayas and a good number of nata. But the cherries and grapes, I had to run my spoon through the bowl just to spot their hide-outs.

Why do fruit cocktail cans are usually filled with more pineapple and papaya and less cherries? (grapes were separately bought) is it because the formers were cheaper? and the latter is more pleasing to the taste bud? yeah, i think so. I just realized that I would rather scour the entire bowl of fruit salad for cherries than satisfy myself with the abundant pineapple or papaya bits... hmm.. well, I envy the people who are easily contented, they are happier because they don't suffer from waiting... good for them... but I know I will still look for my cherries... (forgive my blatant exhibit of the developing insanity)

the problem is, what if there is really no cherry left in the fruit salad?

lamang tiyan din naman ang pineapple ah... kaya ayun, kinain ko rin.

GoodBye Gina!

2007-04-06T10:40:00.000+08:00

The girl who rocked A.I's Season 7

Gina Glocksen, the resident rocker of season 7 of the hit show American Idol wasn't really one of my bets, but her farewell surely disappointed me because I know she has a better singing prowess than Haley or Phil... and.. don't even get me started with Sanjaya..

I don't wanna be mean to anyone... I know that being one of the top 12 is enough assurance that he or she has the talent or the potential to be the next American Idol... because the 3 judges, and not yet the US residents, are the ones who determined the dozen finalists. But Sanjaya, he's beginning to be an awful joke in the contest. I read in an on-line article about other idols being annoyed at the questionable, prolonged stay of the 17 yr. old Sanjaya. Can't blame 'em.. true, if I were them, I will find it truly frustrating to be competing with a person who has nothing more than a large fan base and an unripened talent.

But hey, at least when Gina was announced as the latest casualty of the show, many showed a sign of disapproval and disbelief. For Sanjaya, maybe it'll be just plain relief.

go to hell... both of you.

2007-03-30T02:07:00.000+08:00

This is not written out of bitterness. Maybe out of wrath because I am a pathetic loser of your game. Maybe out of self-pity because I fell so deep in love with your lies. Or maybe out of confusion because you made me feel two ambivalent emotions, that of the extremes of love and hate.

You will get yours someday, worse than the kind of pain I am feeling right now. Worse than your little brain could ever imagine.

I just wish that someday, your partner (your 2nd and the... 11th, 12th or 13th?) who, I believe, you fell in love with while your eyes were closed, will not leave you (that means **** would have to stay as dumb as he is right now) even if he found out about your dirtty extra-curricular activities.

Fool him. Fool yourself believing that you've moved on from that heartache where your bestfriend was the traitor. I'm leaving your sick old childish games. Finally, you gave me a reason to take back all the good things I said about you... You don't deserve all those praises. You've hurt too many people... enough reason for you not to be happy.

Well, I know you're not really happy now anyway. Still living a lie, eh?

Perfect blog title? Swak? Wait for my next posts... things might get a little bit nastier than this.

LONGER

2007-03-30T01:12:00.000+08:00

I missed her again, even if I can't remember her face anymore because it has been more than three months since the last time I saw her. But that doesn't matter. I don't need to remember her face, it really wasn't all that pretty and unforgettable. There is something about her that caught my attention and I know it isn't just her face.

Still wondering. Why can't I forget her? I've forgiven her... or maybe not, because there's really nothing to apologize for. I was hurt, but whether it was caused by her or self-inflicted isn't really important to know anymore. I will still feel the pain. I will still be wishing for her to come back and be my friend.

And when that day arrived, I will ask her to stay, longer than she intends to,
longer than I expect her to,
longer than she thinks I want her to,
longer than I wished for,
longer than the destined duration for her to be beside me...

longer than forever.

time for transformation

2007-02-26T17:24:00.000+08:00

maybe it's time for some changes.. not just minor ones, I'm talking about a full transformation. Ron told me, because she heard me telling to doms about the incident of seeing kermit's best friend at school, that if I want something to happen, I just can't leave it all to chance. I've heard it all before, that I'm too slow or I'm not too aggressive in getting the things I want. I'm not insistent enough. I complicate things which are a no-brainer to others. In short, it takes me sooo long before I act on something that the right time to do it already passed.

I need to change. I want to change, really, but I really don't know how and where to start. I was afraid to change before because I want acceptance. But from what I have noticed, people don't really care if you change, as long as they could still benefit from you. They won't care if you shift your style of humor from witty to sarcastic as long as you can still make them laugh. They won't care if I post negative things about other people on my site as long as it isn't them I'm talking shit about. They don't care and they won't give a damn unless it has something to do with them.
Now, I'm going to change.

I will change. I still don't know how and where I'm going to start but I'm telling you, you'll notice it and you only have two choices: love me or hate me.

ending the frustration...

2007-02-24T15:21:00.000+08:00

yesterday, I invited a few friends to come over at our place to celebrate with us, because my brother just got married. Apparently, they have more important things to attend to - kim, his scheduled volleyball game; jean, her thesis; leo and jake, their classes. I texted the others but maybe, they were so busy that they can't afford to lose even a few seconds of their time to text back. Even Dave didn't make it because Sir Hec ordered him to re-tally the answers in the thesis survey returns. I got depressed... not because of their absence at the party, but because I remembered Kermit again, and have managed to come up with bitter realizations.

If only things were the same as before, I know Kermit will be there. The only one who will be there. That's the exact reason I love Kermit so much, she finds ways to be there for me. You can say that I'm being irrational because what was missed, after all, was just a party. You may not know this, but when I need to go to a particular place, she would always offer herself as company. Throughout my life, no other person did something like that for me. Nobody could claim that they missed the more important things to be there for me. Nobody but Kermit. So even if my heart is still suffering from an excruciating pain her reckless abandon have caused, I won't let people ostracize her for being a heartbreaker that she is. She deserve some credits.

This is not an attempt to bring back what was lost. I'm not hoping to gain back the relationship I had with Kermit. Honestly, I don't want her back. What's done is done, just move on and don't regret it. I don't miss the person, only her actions. Remember that line from Matchbox 20's "Last Beautiful Girl"? The one that you wrecked won't take you back...

Another thing, why is it so easy to say "no" to me? Kermit said "no" to me, people I invited said "no" to me. As I recall happenings in the past, I noticed that there are more rejections of my propositions than acceptance. Is it an "oh, it's just racquel" thing? I got the message - I'm not that important. Yes, I'm venting out. I'm tired of keeping to myself my negative observations. Let truth be known, I'm more sensitive and less understanding than you think I am. Or you could say that I'm just a damaged person. Damaged by people's insensitivity to my needs. It's all so disappointing.

My report is about social groups in our soc anthro class. According to what I've read, a group can be classified as Primary or Secondary. A primary group's end is to strenghthen the tie that binds them, therefore, improvement of relationship. A secondary group builds a relationship because they want to achive a certain goal, therefore, strenghtening the tie is just a mean to an end. Why am I telling these things here? simple. from what I observed, the people whom I thought I have primary relationships with showed signs that my relationship with them is just a secondary one.
I understand that the people I expected and trusted to be there for me were doing the 'more important' things in their lives. They need to do those things. Ok, let me pretend I perfectly understand it. It's not you guys, I'm just so lost right now... I wish you have an idea about it. If you do, you'll perfectly understand too why I'm behaving like this...

People said I lost some pounds... I actually did. From 160 lbs last january, I now weigh less than 150. The secret? Everytime I wake up, it's already the thought of kermit occupying my head. Appetite lost. I'll eat a little in the morning then go on with my day. In the afternoon, my stomach already hurts but I won't feel it. Why? Because my heart hurts more. When I get home at night, I'll play badminton with my brother because it keeps my mind away from reliving the bitter sweet memories. My body's so weak but I feel weaker inside. I can't turn to food and rest for salvation... what I need is something money can't buy... and she's so far away.

I hope the drama ends here. I'm tired... so tired.

Surprise! Surprise!

2007-02-20T15:16:00.000+08:00

Papasok ako kanina sa aking iskul nang mamataan ko ang isang pamilyar na mukha. Nakadama ako ng panandaliang paghinto ng pintig ng puso at pagbalik nito, mas mabilis na kaysa sa normal. Nakita ko si Kris, ang bespren ni *toot*... napangiti na lang ako. Dati kasi, nung mga panahong maraming tanong sa isip ko tungkol sa biglaang pagkawala (o pag-alis) ni tae, gustong gusto kong makita si Kris. May mga pagkakataon pa ngang tumatambay ako sa Freedom park para lang hintayin ang kanyang pagdaan. Gumawa pa ko ng sulat para kay tae dahil alam kong halos araw-araw silang kung magkita. Pero kanina...

Dumaan lang ako sa harapan nya. Hindi ko alam kung nakita nya ko... kasama ko kasi ang kaklase ko sa P.E nun kaya hindi ko na rin nagawa pa siyang lapitan. Midterm exam kasi namin sa P.E.

Dumaan muna ako sa opisina ni Doms para ibalita ang nangyari. Sabi ko sa kanya, gusto kong lapitan si Kris, pero may posibilidad kasi na hindi nya rin ako kausapin (baka tulad din sya ni tae). Wala naman syang masyadong reaksyon, sabi nya lang, "bakit hindi mo lapitan?" sagot ko, "hindi na rin yata kasi ako interesado malaman pa ung mga bagay na gusto kong malaman noon eh.." dumating si Jen at iniwan ko na sila.

Pumunta kaming ARH bldg dahil doon daw kami mag-eexam. 4th floor un kaya nag elevator na kami. Pagpasok ko, nandun si Kris. Nginitian nya ko, nginitian ko din naman sya, pero yun lang. Hindi nya gusto magsalita, ayoko rin namang magsimula. Alam ko marami syang alam. She knows the answers to all of my questions. Sadly, I'm not interested in knowing the answers anymore.

I'm happy. I thought seeing Kris will be like facing the King of Pain again. I was wrong. I actually felt as if I'm the one who should be asked a lot of questions. "Ok k n b?" "Kumusta ka na?" Hehe. Ma-feeling lang?

Ang gaan ng loob ko. Ang gaan-gaan ng feeling. Uy, itutuloy nyang ikanta yan... hehe.

I Wanna Be Bad...

2007-02-20T13:31:00.000+08:00

Lately, I have running out of realizations. Finally, I got tired of thinking. But instead of feeling relaxed, I've become more restless. I have no more interest in making sense of the happenings that go on in my life. Tired of figuring out the meanings, God's purpose and possible reasons why things happen. For one moment, I decided that I shouldn't always be understanding... that more often than not, I am the victim of other people's irrationality, so why not choose to become the predator this time? Yes, I'm tired of being nice and kind because I noticed that being such is only allowing myself to be the target of other people's cruelty. Why should I even be one? I'm not after that promised heaven anyway because never did I imagine myself flying around with fluffy wings, dressed in some pristine white clothing. I don't even know if I will ever be ready to face God... I think nice people are nice because they are after these rewards. Being God-fearing is typical characteristic of nice people. If you know someone who isn't God-fearing but is nice and kind, tell me coz I'm interested in meeting my own kind. hehe.

So, I want to be mean... where do I start? Oh, backstabbing. The favorite hobby of the people around me. But wait, I think I'm already exercising that, and I'm actually good at it! I can actually point out every weaknesses of all people I know. I'm that good! I have one question though, what if I do have something good to say about each and everyone too? That would make me an appreciative backstabber, right? I know there are people out there who are aware of the backstabbing I do behind their backs, I dare them to step forward and ask for confirmation. I'll tell them the truth. I backstab not because I want to make an ugly portrayal of their being in front of others, I backstab because I know these people can't accept the truth and it would hurt them too badly that they'll start defending themselves, denying and doing counter-attacks. Chaos is an outcome which I'm not interested to witness or be a part of. What I am doing is only discussing to other people one's attitude (not the person per se) and try to find out if they have the same observation about the person. Therefore, even if you call that backstabbing, I won't feel guilt because my moral fiber tells me with conviction that it is not. Backstabbing is calling someone a bitch just because you don't have the same hot body and is therefore not receiving the same amount of attention that bitch receives! Backstabbing is ridiculing your classmate behind her back by spilling that she has B.O but you never really tried to mention it to her because all your answers in all exams were taken from the test paper of that smelly but brainy classmate of yours! Backstabbing only happens when you make someone believe that he/she is your friend when in reality, the friendship you claim to exist is only lip-service. The element of betrayal of trust should exist first before you can qualify it as backstabbing. For the sake of the self-righteous and dogmatic readers of this entry (who are probably backstabbers in some ways or in some days), you don't have to agree with me. Call me a backstabber anytime you like. Anytime.. you can do it upfront or... behind my back... :)

I wanna be bad. I wanna be harsh and mean. I wanna be hated by many. Be a modern day Hitler. Bully the bullies. Belittle those who pretend to be smart. Make the heartbreakers cry some tears too. Embarass those who don't know how to show respect. Spit on the dirt-free faces of the posers and hypocrites. backstab the backstabbers. hate evil.
Gee, what an evil plan. bwahahaha!

My Love

2007-02-06T17:51:00.000+08:00

It's ok.. if you have decided long ago, even before you met me, that your heart will belong to somebody else, or will be shared only to a fortunate few, which doesn't include me. It's ok if you could only let me watch them come and go, as long as they make you really happy. It's ok if you'll hold my hand only to let go of it once they're already around, because I completely understand the fact that it's worse losing them than losing me. It's ok if you think that I will leave you because I want you just for myself... but you should not fool yourself into believing that I'd be that shallow. I will be here for you, no matter what... just don't close the door if your room's already full and reserve a little space for a love that can be so great. My Love.

I could not really ask for more. You helped me get through the heartbreak that almost killed me, figuratively speaking. With your presence, I was out of the dumps, I found my worth that I almost believe I never had. You saved me... and made me realize that I could not be the savior all the time. I thought it's wrong to be weak, but it's really ok to be like that if it's you who is destined to show up and teach me the right way to be strong. And strength cannot be measured by how long you could hold back the tears or how soon you could forget the person who hurt you... strength is being ready for tomorrow without regretting whatever happened in the past. I consider my past a struggle to be here, the now. And right now, I feel so blessed because you made the present worth all the wait and pain. You, My Love.

Famous Last Words...

2006-12-19T16:34:00.000+08:00

…I’m not ready yet? Nope. I’m not trying to write another entry with passages of a song, I’ll just be using Jars of Clay’s song title to describe the words “thought so” because indeed, those were the famous last words of, uhmm, wait, I know the person I’m talking about here is not really into reading blogs, but people who knew us both might take a peek so I might as well give that person a codename. Let’s try Kermit. Hahaha! (Hmm.. bakit kaya?! Hehe!) Ayun, si Kermit nga. Those were Kermit’s famous last words. Y’know what, Kermit? You should’ve just told me all the upsetting, unspoken words in your mind because, after all, I knew they were disappointing anyway. What’s the use of keeping it all inside when I already read it in your eyes the last time we spent time together? Too bad, I won’t have the chance to thank you personally for all the changes you brought into my life. You were the sweetest person who walked into my life… yep, past tense. I always thought you were the best that I even thought of welcoming you again if ever you decide to come back. But I guess our friendship never really mattered to you because you left just like that. I understand you, we only met last June and our friendship wasn’t fully developed. 6 months may not be enough for you to consider exchanging of formal, heartfelt goodbyes if ever you needed a moment of solitude; to organize your life on your own or without me in it. It never really occurred to me that it was just 6 months that we’ve known each other because it felt as if we’ve known each other for years! Ok, my fault. A wonderful thought like that, even how wonderful it is, is a step outside the boundaries of reality. Truth is, it was just 6 months for you, already 6 months for me.

I’m not waiting for you anymore. Waiting is a form a suicide, if I may quote a line from ate vanna’s poem. When you left, I thought my world has ended. But I realized that only in the dictionary that the words end and beginning are antonyms, because if we are to use them in life situations, they can be synonymous terms. When you ended something between us, something actually began. You departure was an indispensable element to the start of that something. I just hope that something good already began in your life.

One Last Wonderful Day

2006-12-19T16:22:00.000+08:00

Friday night, I was at the LRT Recto station waiting for the next train to Santolan when I saw a woman carrying a child on her arms. She was talking with the security guards and though I’m not really interested in what they were talking about, I had an earshot of their conversation because I’m only a few steps away from them. The lady with the child said: “Sabi kasi nila patay na, e nasa palengke pa ako nun kaya nagmadali na lang ako umuwi, tapos nung dumating ako dumilat pa sya, kaya heto dinala ko agad.” I was intrigued so I looked again at the child who I barely noticed when I arrived there. I was taken aback by the sight of the little girl on the woman’s arms. The child is really, and I mean really, thin. How thin? Put your two fingers together and you’re already having a glimpse of her arm. I’m not being pessimistic here when I say that that child would only have but a few months to live with the kind of body she has. I turned my eyes away from the unbearable display of life’s reality and preoccupied my mind with other thoughts. I don’t want to stare a long time like what other people did. By staring at the mother and child, they thought they could show that they care, but I think watching people in such pitiful condition only shows the incapability of most of us to offer a help that is really needed because we conceive sympathy as a valuable aid when in fact it is not. I always refuse to sympathize, believing that I’m only allowing one to go for a dip in a drowning pool of self-pity when I try to commiserate. Anyway, thank God it’s already the last station and I managed not to look at the subject of murmurs and stares in the train. I decided to let the others go first to avoid having the glimpse of that little girl, but when I was about to go down the stairs, I saw the little girl. She saw me too. Our eyes met. I turned my back because my eyes welled with tears. I couldn’t control the crying. I cried not because I pitied her frail body or because of the idea that one mother will lose a child anytime soon. I cried because I didn’t see any sign of unhappiness or pain in the child’s eyes. I’m not saying that she was otherwise, but I think what I saw was acceptance of fate, that she is ready to let go.

I entitled this “One Last Wonderful Day” because that’s what I prayed to God for them. I asked Him to give the child one last wonderful day here on earth before He decides to carry the child on his loving arms up in heaven.

Huhu.. From Ate Vanna's Site... huhu talaga

2006-11-21T16:49:00.000+08:00

Do i have to kiss everyone?

your words and actions
breeds more question everytime,
you are a comfort to mebut you rock the boat.

you soothe the old wounds
but somehow preparing me for new ones,
what are we to each other?

when i say i can't be brave enough
to tell you how i feel
would you take the leap?

If you'd only let me know
that the hand you offer is indeed for me,
i would not hesitateto cross a green light.

For now, we're sitting on the fence
wasting time
pretending to be "just friends".