Losing My First Love

Writing for me back then was just a past-time, an optional thing that I will only do if boredom strikes at any time. I wasn't concerned about my grammar or spelling or choice of words at that time, it really didn't matter to me if they scorn the manner I presented my thoughts. For me, the important thing is to be able to express what I believe in and what I feel. Writing gives me freedom. I feel free whenever I have successfully put into writing my ideas. Writing was the outlet of my emotions - it was the reason I could breathe again when a situation or a person had upset me. When I was still in our humble house in Makati, I even remembered saying to myself that if there were things in life that I couldn't live without, two of them would be pen and paper. That's how deep my love for writing is... well, make that was.

I know I've managed to impress people with my writing skills. Friends, classmates, teachers and even those who are already considered "professionals" in the realm of writing. I was surprised. Even if I've been a school newspaper writer in elementary and high school years, I believe I got the chance to be a staffer only because of the fact that school population was small during those years. Furthermore, I wrote only in Filipino language, not in English. Making it to the Advocate is just plain good luck, I guess. Even my brother pointed out to me that I don't have a writing style so no matter how wonderful my ideas are, they won't catch attention. I believed him but I didn't care. So what if I'm not that good, I thought. As long as I have the enthusiasm to put into writing my thoughts and ideas, who cares about writing style? So whenever I hear praises regarding my poems, short stories and essays, I feel really humbled by such show of appreciation to my work because I really think they weren't that great. I felt overrated. Anyhow, I still continued doing what I love and somehow, I've managed to score awards and acknowledgements for it. I feel blessed.

Good writer - a title I have earned that I didn't want to slip out of my hands. As my reputation of being a good writer ballooned, the expectations of the people around me also got bigger. I fooled myself into believing that it was easy to keep up with the expectations. The reputation gave me confidence, too much of it actually that I've become arrogant. It manifested not through my actions though, but through my writings. The need to impress people with my writing skills developed in my character. I've used words that I knew only people with high levels of intellect would understand. I tried to make the wordings complicated, tried to perfect the grammar and tried to put style in my writing. I even resorted to copying other people's ideas and rephrasing them so as to make them appear as if they were my own. During those times, I considered my ideas mediocre compared to the articles I’ve read. I got frustrated, I felt unreasonably insecure. In my quest of improving the old writer in me, I made the mistake of almost getting rid of him. There were no improvements, only unneeded alterations. The output didn't win the approval of the people. My what was then a unique way of writing had become too ordinary, forgettable. It didn't manage to stand-out.

Since then, I avoided writing. I felt like my favorite hobby had been dressed up with over-alls and now it looks like work to me. Writing used to be just a stress-reliever, my scapegoat to the haunting claws of boredom. Now, writing is part of the stress and has become more haunting than boredom. The humble, enthusiastic writer who didn't care about grammar, style and impressing people was lost in oblivion. What was left is a person struggling to win back the respect she owed to herself.

It is true that a good writer is someone who is good in grammar, has a writing style and a wide range of vocabulary and knows how to win the hearts of his readers. But for me, a good writer is someone who doesn't prioritize such requirements because it is like drawing up boundaries to one's self. I've mentioned before that writing gives me freedom. I totally lost that freedom when I chose to keep up with the expectations they set up on me. I lost it the moment I felt the need to impress people. I realized that a writer is good when he has good attitudes and uses them to improve the world through his writings. A good writer never considers his ideas mediocre nor great, he lets the reader be the judge of that. He wouldn't change views just to please his audience. He would, however, be gentle and considerate while being fierce and aggressive at the same time. There's no clear-cut definition of a good writer. A writer defines for himself and by himself the real meaning of it.

I need to go back to my old self again where being able to express my thoughts and ideas my way alone gives me unparalleled contentment. I want to be able to enjoy writing again. My feet are now on the ground, and hopefully this time, I'll be a good writer by following only the set of rules laid down by my heart.