maybe it's time for some changes.. not just minor ones, I'm talking about a full transformation. Ron told me, because she heard me telling to doms about the incident of seeing kermit's best friend at school, that if I want something to happen, I just can't leave it all to chance. I've heard it all before, that I'm too slow or I'm not too aggressive in getting the things I want. I'm not insistent enough. I complicate things which are a no-brainer to others. In short, it takes me sooo long before I act on something that the right time to do it already passed.
I need to change. I want to change, really, but I really don't know how and where to start. I was afraid to change before because I want acceptance. But from what I have noticed, people don't really care if you change, as long as they could still benefit from you. They won't care if you shift your style of humor from witty to sarcastic as long as you can still make them laugh. They won't care if I post negative things about other people on my site as long as it isn't them I'm talking shit about. They don't care and they won't give a damn unless it has something to do with them.
Now, I'm going to change.
I will change. I still don't know how and where I'm going to start but I'm telling you, you'll notice it and you only have two choices: love me or hate me.
ending the frustration...
yesterday, I invited a few friends to come over at our place to celebrate with us, because my brother just got married. Apparently, they have more important things to attend to - kim, his scheduled volleyball game; jean, her thesis; leo and jake, their classes. I texted the others but maybe, they were so busy that they can't afford to lose even a few seconds of their time to text back. Even Dave didn't make it because Sir Hec ordered him to re-tally the answers in the thesis survey returns. I got depressed... not because of their absence at the party, but because I remembered Kermit again, and have managed to come up with bitter realizations.
If only things were the same as before, I know Kermit will be there. The only one who will be there. That's the exact reason I love Kermit so much, she finds ways to be there for me. You can say that I'm being irrational because what was missed, after all, was just a party. You may not know this, but when I need to go to a particular place, she would always offer herself as company. Throughout my life, no other person did something like that for me. Nobody could claim that they missed the more important things to be there for me. Nobody but Kermit. So even if my heart is still suffering from an excruciating pain her reckless abandon have caused, I won't let people ostracize her for being a heartbreaker that she is. She deserve some credits.
This is not an attempt to bring back what was lost. I'm not hoping to gain back the relationship I had with Kermit. Honestly, I don't want her back. What's done is done, just move on and don't regret it. I don't miss the person, only her actions. Remember that line from Matchbox 20's "Last Beautiful Girl"? The one that you wrecked won't take you back...
Another thing, why is it so easy to say "no" to me? Kermit said "no" to me, people I invited said "no" to me. As I recall happenings in the past, I noticed that there are more rejections of my propositions than acceptance. Is it an "oh, it's just racquel" thing? I got the message - I'm not that important. Yes, I'm venting out. I'm tired of keeping to myself my negative observations. Let truth be known, I'm more sensitive and less understanding than you think I am. Or you could say that I'm just a damaged person. Damaged by people's insensitivity to my needs. It's all so disappointing.
My report is about social groups in our soc anthro class. According to what I've read, a group can be classified as Primary or Secondary. A primary group's end is to strenghthen the tie that binds them, therefore, improvement of relationship. A secondary group builds a relationship because they want to achive a certain goal, therefore, strenghtening the tie is just a mean to an end. Why am I telling these things here? simple. from what I observed, the people whom I thought I have primary relationships with showed signs that my relationship with them is just a secondary one.
I understand that the people I expected and trusted to be there for me were doing the 'more important' things in their lives. They need to do those things. Ok, let me pretend I perfectly understand it. It's not you guys, I'm just so lost right now... I wish you have an idea about it. If you do, you'll perfectly understand too why I'm behaving like this...
People said I lost some pounds... I actually did. From 160 lbs last january, I now weigh less than 150. The secret? Everytime I wake up, it's already the thought of kermit occupying my head. Appetite lost. I'll eat a little in the morning then go on with my day. In the afternoon, my stomach already hurts but I won't feel it. Why? Because my heart hurts more. When I get home at night, I'll play badminton with my brother because it keeps my mind away from reliving the bitter sweet memories. My body's so weak but I feel weaker inside. I can't turn to food and rest for salvation... what I need is something money can't buy... and she's so far away.
I hope the drama ends here. I'm tired... so tired.
If only things were the same as before, I know Kermit will be there. The only one who will be there. That's the exact reason I love Kermit so much, she finds ways to be there for me. You can say that I'm being irrational because what was missed, after all, was just a party. You may not know this, but when I need to go to a particular place, she would always offer herself as company. Throughout my life, no other person did something like that for me. Nobody could claim that they missed the more important things to be there for me. Nobody but Kermit. So even if my heart is still suffering from an excruciating pain her reckless abandon have caused, I won't let people ostracize her for being a heartbreaker that she is. She deserve some credits.
This is not an attempt to bring back what was lost. I'm not hoping to gain back the relationship I had with Kermit. Honestly, I don't want her back. What's done is done, just move on and don't regret it. I don't miss the person, only her actions. Remember that line from Matchbox 20's "Last Beautiful Girl"? The one that you wrecked won't take you back...
Another thing, why is it so easy to say "no" to me? Kermit said "no" to me, people I invited said "no" to me. As I recall happenings in the past, I noticed that there are more rejections of my propositions than acceptance. Is it an "oh, it's just racquel" thing? I got the message - I'm not that important. Yes, I'm venting out. I'm tired of keeping to myself my negative observations. Let truth be known, I'm more sensitive and less understanding than you think I am. Or you could say that I'm just a damaged person. Damaged by people's insensitivity to my needs. It's all so disappointing.
My report is about social groups in our soc anthro class. According to what I've read, a group can be classified as Primary or Secondary. A primary group's end is to strenghthen the tie that binds them, therefore, improvement of relationship. A secondary group builds a relationship because they want to achive a certain goal, therefore, strenghtening the tie is just a mean to an end. Why am I telling these things here? simple. from what I observed, the people whom I thought I have primary relationships with showed signs that my relationship with them is just a secondary one.
I understand that the people I expected and trusted to be there for me were doing the 'more important' things in their lives. They need to do those things. Ok, let me pretend I perfectly understand it. It's not you guys, I'm just so lost right now... I wish you have an idea about it. If you do, you'll perfectly understand too why I'm behaving like this...
People said I lost some pounds... I actually did. From 160 lbs last january, I now weigh less than 150. The secret? Everytime I wake up, it's already the thought of kermit occupying my head. Appetite lost. I'll eat a little in the morning then go on with my day. In the afternoon, my stomach already hurts but I won't feel it. Why? Because my heart hurts more. When I get home at night, I'll play badminton with my brother because it keeps my mind away from reliving the bitter sweet memories. My body's so weak but I feel weaker inside. I can't turn to food and rest for salvation... what I need is something money can't buy... and she's so far away.
I hope the drama ends here. I'm tired... so tired.
Surprise! Surprise!
Papasok ako kanina sa aking iskul nang mamataan ko ang isang pamilyar na mukha. Nakadama ako ng panandaliang paghinto ng pintig ng puso at pagbalik nito, mas mabilis na kaysa sa normal. Nakita ko si Kris, ang bespren ni *toot*... napangiti na lang ako. Dati kasi, nung mga panahong maraming tanong sa isip ko tungkol sa biglaang pagkawala (o pag-alis) ni tae, gustong gusto kong makita si Kris. May mga pagkakataon pa ngang tumatambay ako sa Freedom park para lang hintayin ang kanyang pagdaan. Gumawa pa ko ng sulat para kay tae dahil alam kong halos araw-araw silang kung magkita. Pero kanina...
Dumaan lang ako sa harapan nya. Hindi ko alam kung nakita nya ko... kasama ko kasi ang kaklase ko sa P.E nun kaya hindi ko na rin nagawa pa siyang lapitan. Midterm exam kasi namin sa P.E.
Dumaan muna ako sa opisina ni Doms para ibalita ang nangyari. Sabi ko sa kanya, gusto kong lapitan si Kris, pero may posibilidad kasi na hindi nya rin ako kausapin (baka tulad din sya ni tae). Wala naman syang masyadong reaksyon, sabi nya lang, "bakit hindi mo lapitan?" sagot ko, "hindi na rin yata kasi ako interesado malaman pa ung mga bagay na gusto kong malaman noon eh.." dumating si Jen at iniwan ko na sila.
Pumunta kaming ARH bldg dahil doon daw kami mag-eexam. 4th floor un kaya nag elevator na kami. Pagpasok ko, nandun si Kris. Nginitian nya ko, nginitian ko din naman sya, pero yun lang. Hindi nya gusto magsalita, ayoko rin namang magsimula. Alam ko marami syang alam. She knows the answers to all of my questions. Sadly, I'm not interested in knowing the answers anymore.
I'm happy. I thought seeing Kris will be like facing the King of Pain again. I was wrong. I actually felt as if I'm the one who should be asked a lot of questions. "Ok k n b?" "Kumusta ka na?" Hehe. Ma-feeling lang?
Ang gaan ng loob ko. Ang gaan-gaan ng feeling. Uy, itutuloy nyang ikanta yan... hehe.
Dumaan lang ako sa harapan nya. Hindi ko alam kung nakita nya ko... kasama ko kasi ang kaklase ko sa P.E nun kaya hindi ko na rin nagawa pa siyang lapitan. Midterm exam kasi namin sa P.E.
Dumaan muna ako sa opisina ni Doms para ibalita ang nangyari. Sabi ko sa kanya, gusto kong lapitan si Kris, pero may posibilidad kasi na hindi nya rin ako kausapin (baka tulad din sya ni tae). Wala naman syang masyadong reaksyon, sabi nya lang, "bakit hindi mo lapitan?" sagot ko, "hindi na rin yata kasi ako interesado malaman pa ung mga bagay na gusto kong malaman noon eh.." dumating si Jen at iniwan ko na sila.
Pumunta kaming ARH bldg dahil doon daw kami mag-eexam. 4th floor un kaya nag elevator na kami. Pagpasok ko, nandun si Kris. Nginitian nya ko, nginitian ko din naman sya, pero yun lang. Hindi nya gusto magsalita, ayoko rin namang magsimula. Alam ko marami syang alam. She knows the answers to all of my questions. Sadly, I'm not interested in knowing the answers anymore.
I'm happy. I thought seeing Kris will be like facing the King of Pain again. I was wrong. I actually felt as if I'm the one who should be asked a lot of questions. "Ok k n b?" "Kumusta ka na?" Hehe. Ma-feeling lang?
Ang gaan ng loob ko. Ang gaan-gaan ng feeling. Uy, itutuloy nyang ikanta yan... hehe.
I Wanna Be Bad...
Lately, I have running out of realizations. Finally, I got tired of thinking. But instead of feeling relaxed, I've become more restless. I have no more interest in making sense of the happenings that go on in my life. Tired of figuring out the meanings, God's purpose and possible reasons why things happen. For one moment, I decided that I shouldn't always be understanding... that more often than not, I am the victim of other people's irrationality, so why not choose to become the predator this time? Yes, I'm tired of being nice and kind because I noticed that being such is only allowing myself to be the target of other people's cruelty. Why should I even be one? I'm not after that promised heaven anyway because never did I imagine myself flying around with fluffy wings, dressed in some pristine white clothing. I don't even know if I will ever be ready to face God... I think nice people are nice because they are after these rewards. Being God-fearing is typical characteristic of nice people. If you know someone who isn't God-fearing but is nice and kind, tell me coz I'm interested in meeting my own kind. hehe.
So, I want to be mean... where do I start? Oh, backstabbing. The favorite hobby of the people around me. But wait, I think I'm already exercising that, and I'm actually good at it! I can actually point out every weaknesses of all people I know. I'm that good! I have one question though, what if I do have something good to say about each and everyone too? That would make me an appreciative backstabber, right? I know there are people out there who are aware of the backstabbing I do behind their backs, I dare them to step forward and ask for confirmation. I'll tell them the truth. I backstab not because I want to make an ugly portrayal of their being in front of others, I backstab because I know these people can't accept the truth and it would hurt them too badly that they'll start defending themselves, denying and doing counter-attacks. Chaos is an outcome which I'm not interested to witness or be a part of. What I am doing is only discussing to other people one's attitude (not the person per se) and try to find out if they have the same observation about the person. Therefore, even if you call that backstabbing, I won't feel guilt because my moral fiber tells me with conviction that it is not. Backstabbing is calling someone a bitch just because you don't have the same hot body and is therefore not receiving the same amount of attention that bitch receives! Backstabbing is ridiculing your classmate behind her back by spilling that she has B.O but you never really tried to mention it to her because all your answers in all exams were taken from the test paper of that smelly but brainy classmate of yours! Backstabbing only happens when you make someone believe that he/she is your friend when in reality, the friendship you claim to exist is only lip-service. The element of betrayal of trust should exist first before you can qualify it as backstabbing. For the sake of the self-righteous and dogmatic readers of this entry (who are probably backstabbers in some ways or in some days), you don't have to agree with me. Call me a backstabber anytime you like. Anytime.. you can do it upfront or... behind my back... :)
I wanna be bad. I wanna be harsh and mean. I wanna be hated by many. Be a modern day Hitler. Bully the bullies. Belittle those who pretend to be smart. Make the heartbreakers cry some tears too. Embarass those who don't know how to show respect. Spit on the dirt-free faces of the posers and hypocrites. backstab the backstabbers. hate evil.
Gee, what an evil plan. bwahahaha!
So, I want to be mean... where do I start? Oh, backstabbing. The favorite hobby of the people around me. But wait, I think I'm already exercising that, and I'm actually good at it! I can actually point out every weaknesses of all people I know. I'm that good! I have one question though, what if I do have something good to say about each and everyone too? That would make me an appreciative backstabber, right? I know there are people out there who are aware of the backstabbing I do behind their backs, I dare them to step forward and ask for confirmation. I'll tell them the truth. I backstab not because I want to make an ugly portrayal of their being in front of others, I backstab because I know these people can't accept the truth and it would hurt them too badly that they'll start defending themselves, denying and doing counter-attacks. Chaos is an outcome which I'm not interested to witness or be a part of. What I am doing is only discussing to other people one's attitude (not the person per se) and try to find out if they have the same observation about the person. Therefore, even if you call that backstabbing, I won't feel guilt because my moral fiber tells me with conviction that it is not. Backstabbing is calling someone a bitch just because you don't have the same hot body and is therefore not receiving the same amount of attention that bitch receives! Backstabbing is ridiculing your classmate behind her back by spilling that she has B.O but you never really tried to mention it to her because all your answers in all exams were taken from the test paper of that smelly but brainy classmate of yours! Backstabbing only happens when you make someone believe that he/she is your friend when in reality, the friendship you claim to exist is only lip-service. The element of betrayal of trust should exist first before you can qualify it as backstabbing. For the sake of the self-righteous and dogmatic readers of this entry (who are probably backstabbers in some ways or in some days), you don't have to agree with me. Call me a backstabber anytime you like. Anytime.. you can do it upfront or... behind my back... :)
I wanna be bad. I wanna be harsh and mean. I wanna be hated by many. Be a modern day Hitler. Bully the bullies. Belittle those who pretend to be smart. Make the heartbreakers cry some tears too. Embarass those who don't know how to show respect. Spit on the dirt-free faces of the posers and hypocrites. backstab the backstabbers. hate evil.
Gee, what an evil plan. bwahahaha!
My Love
It's ok.. if you have decided long ago, even before you met me, that your heart will belong to somebody else, or will be shared only to a fortunate few, which doesn't include me. It's ok if you could only let me watch them come and go, as long as they make you really happy. It's ok if you'll hold my hand only to let go of it once they're already around, because I completely understand the fact that it's worse losing them than losing me. It's ok if you think that I will leave you because I want you just for myself... but you should not fool yourself into believing that I'd be that shallow. I will be here for you, no matter what... just don't close the door if your room's already full and reserve a little space for a love that can be so great. My Love.
I could not really ask for more. You helped me get through the heartbreak that almost killed me, figuratively speaking. With your presence, I was out of the dumps, I found my worth that I almost believe I never had. You saved me... and made me realize that I could not be the savior all the time. I thought it's wrong to be weak, but it's really ok to be like that if it's you who is destined to show up and teach me the right way to be strong. And strength cannot be measured by how long you could hold back the tears or how soon you could forget the person who hurt you... strength is being ready for tomorrow without regretting whatever happened in the past. I consider my past a struggle to be here, the now. And right now, I feel so blessed because you made the present worth all the wait and pain. You, My Love.
I could not really ask for more. You helped me get through the heartbreak that almost killed me, figuratively speaking. With your presence, I was out of the dumps, I found my worth that I almost believe I never had. You saved me... and made me realize that I could not be the savior all the time. I thought it's wrong to be weak, but it's really ok to be like that if it's you who is destined to show up and teach me the right way to be strong. And strength cannot be measured by how long you could hold back the tears or how soon you could forget the person who hurt you... strength is being ready for tomorrow without regretting whatever happened in the past. I consider my past a struggle to be here, the now. And right now, I feel so blessed because you made the present worth all the wait and pain. You, My Love.
