My negative side needs to speak with you regarding a matter left unclear for years. She is confused and won't accept the explanations contentment was trying hard to tell. I'm telling you, she can be so annoying and unbearable sometimes. Once you answer one question, an awful lot more will follow and extreme irritation is most likely to occur.
She's questioning the ingenuousness of my happiness. According to her, it is all a sham, a mask to cover the pain caused by loneliness and frustrations. I tried to defend myself, telling her love made me this way, turned me into a very understanding person who accepts the decision of my loved ones: their choice to abandon me. Sometimes, one person's absence in another person's life means freedom for both parties. I advised her to chill.
However, the stubbornness is unrelenting. Answers breed more questions. She accused me of being a delusional by thinking that I owned people's hearts. She said it never happened, therefore, the love I feel is useless and blinding. Negativity insisted that I only misinterpreted people's actions and misled my heart to commit in a love which was never really mutual nor reciprocated. That I am in love with a beautiful lie, a fool who can't distinguished a sweet dream from a nightmare. Yes, she is that mean. But I understand and recognize the point she is trying to raise.
If I listen to her, will it be a sign of open-mindedness or imperceptive way of thinking? It is weird how one statement which sounded ridiculous and funny at first turn out to be a thought-provoking idea in the end.
Here comes dark clouds.
Room 311
Lorraine wanted to say something, but couldn't. At first she will give up a smile, then I will encourage her to continue trying to let out the words. After struggling to mumble the words "I", "just", "need", "to", she will stop, to ready herself for the hardest part, saying the remaining of her thoughts.
I will cheer on her, "come on you can do it, Lorraine! I will wait for it!". But her speech defect caused by old age will fail her. Then she'd let go of a sigh, look at me, and smile with sad eyes. The first time we did this, I gave her a pen so she can just write what she wants me to know. She shook her head, a sign that she preferred that I hear it.
It's OK, Lorraine, I'll come to your room again tomorrow, I'll wait for it.
For a week now, I have been walking out of 311 with eyes holding back tears and a heavy heart. Maybe when she's gone, I could forget the way she reaches for my hand even if I can offer no help. Maybe I'll get used to such situations and stop caring like this. Apathy can kill, but caring sometimes can be too torturous.
I will cheer on her, "come on you can do it, Lorraine! I will wait for it!". But her speech defect caused by old age will fail her. Then she'd let go of a sigh, look at me, and smile with sad eyes. The first time we did this, I gave her a pen so she can just write what she wants me to know. She shook her head, a sign that she preferred that I hear it.
It's OK, Lorraine, I'll come to your room again tomorrow, I'll wait for it.
For a week now, I have been walking out of 311 with eyes holding back tears and a heavy heart. Maybe when she's gone, I could forget the way she reaches for my hand even if I can offer no help. Maybe I'll get used to such situations and stop caring like this. Apathy can kill, but caring sometimes can be too torturous.
Dollars Can't Buy Me Jeans
Time check, 11:16PM. Technically, it's still St. Patrick's day. My small wardrobe collection didn't permit me to wear green today, and my dirty mind is something I am not comfortable showing off, even the occasion calls for it. The alcohol, too, is simply out of sight because, yeah, I'm not Irish (and my Mom would surely flip out once she found out that I'm considering drinking) At work, I am this stupid-looking newbie who smiles a lot and avoids conversations because I am not good at small talks. I wanted to say something funny but I better not, because my humor borders on sarcasm and I've only been there for less than a month. Grim humor and budding relationships don't mix well in a professional environment.
All these mean one thing: this day is ordinary. Hold it there. Maybe it wasn't the day which is ordinary. Maybe I'm just not putting enough effort to turn a day into a 24 hour-long magical moment. I am stuck in this frame of mind where I think I am a failure because somebody is making me feel that way. It's crazy how I think everything is a mess, when in fact, the only problem is that I think too many problems complicate my life. So much of a mess that I don't know where to start patching, and how. I'm always afraid that something more terrible will happen, and that I won't be ready to face it. That's it, I'm creating my own monsters and arming them with the idea on how to defeat me. It's like locking myself up in a dungeon to engage in a futile battle with my own demons. And I am seeking help, only I am not shouting for rescue, just whispering... and I don't know why. It's insane.
Good thing my savior comes in during the times I hit the rock bottom. With cheery messages and a smile that says "I understand, and will be here for you." Even without me explaining anything, just instant acceptance and arms wrapped around my worn out body to reassure that nothing changed, I still have a space in your heart. I miss the warmth of your touch. With your insatiable and unconditional love, each day is St. Patrick's day for me. I am so lucky just having you in my life.
Too bad, these dollars can't buy me jeans.
All these mean one thing: this day is ordinary. Hold it there. Maybe it wasn't the day which is ordinary. Maybe I'm just not putting enough effort to turn a day into a 24 hour-long magical moment. I am stuck in this frame of mind where I think I am a failure because somebody is making me feel that way. It's crazy how I think everything is a mess, when in fact, the only problem is that I think too many problems complicate my life. So much of a mess that I don't know where to start patching, and how. I'm always afraid that something more terrible will happen, and that I won't be ready to face it. That's it, I'm creating my own monsters and arming them with the idea on how to defeat me. It's like locking myself up in a dungeon to engage in a futile battle with my own demons. And I am seeking help, only I am not shouting for rescue, just whispering... and I don't know why. It's insane.
Good thing my savior comes in during the times I hit the rock bottom. With cheery messages and a smile that says "I understand, and will be here for you." Even without me explaining anything, just instant acceptance and arms wrapped around my worn out body to reassure that nothing changed, I still have a space in your heart. I miss the warmth of your touch. With your insatiable and unconditional love, each day is St. Patrick's day for me. I am so lucky just having you in my life.
Too bad, these dollars can't buy me jeans.
So Corny You Will Need Butter
In my entire life, I never had anything fancy or expensive. Until now, you can see me wearing the same clothes I had five years ago. I collect other people's garbage, stuff they throw away which are working fine but are old. I was only introduced to Starbucks at 18, tasted it at 19, bought one for myself at 20, and realized that it was overrated by the time I reached 21. And, yeah, I am saying this because I don't have the money to spare for flavored coffees. Plain caffeine will do.
You could say that I am ordinary. If you give me a make-up kit, I would know which tool goes to the lips, brows, lashes and face but sorry, I wouldn't know how to handle and apply any of them. Don't worry, I do comb my hair.
Also, I don't believe I am as smart as my friends think I am. Maybe I am just good at pretending to be smart. The truth is, I just know a little about everything, and that helps. So my advice to those who are planning to look smart and sound smart? Have a general idea about anything and everything and you will do just fine. However, expect intelligent people to see through the mask. One of my professors once called me "Jack of All Trades, Master of None" because he noticed. He is one of the few, real smart people out there.
No money, no fame, no ms. big brain -- in short, I am a nobody. Even my mom think I am a loser because I don't earn as much money as she does. What pisses her off more is the fact that I am not bothered by it; that I don't take life so seriously and it looks like I'm not chasing the more profitable opportunities... that I am a disappointment.
I feel bad because I want my mom to be proud of me, and the set of principles and values that shaped me. I feel bad for not having enough strengths to make it to the top. I feel bad because I am not sorry, and will never regret taking the road less traveled. I feel bad because there are people who are upset with me because I can't act and think the same way they do.
It's a good thing there are those who still think I am special even in the presence of my intolerable weaknesses. Thank you for trying to see me in a different light and keeping me inspired at times I wanted to quit and give up on my dreams. Thank you for making me feel special even I don't have and know much. I love you everyday.
You could say that I am ordinary. If you give me a make-up kit, I would know which tool goes to the lips, brows, lashes and face but sorry, I wouldn't know how to handle and apply any of them. Don't worry, I do comb my hair.
Also, I don't believe I am as smart as my friends think I am. Maybe I am just good at pretending to be smart. The truth is, I just know a little about everything, and that helps. So my advice to those who are planning to look smart and sound smart? Have a general idea about anything and everything and you will do just fine. However, expect intelligent people to see through the mask. One of my professors once called me "Jack of All Trades, Master of None" because he noticed. He is one of the few, real smart people out there.
No money, no fame, no ms. big brain -- in short, I am a nobody. Even my mom think I am a loser because I don't earn as much money as she does. What pisses her off more is the fact that I am not bothered by it; that I don't take life so seriously and it looks like I'm not chasing the more profitable opportunities... that I am a disappointment.
I feel bad because I want my mom to be proud of me, and the set of principles and values that shaped me. I feel bad for not having enough strengths to make it to the top. I feel bad because I am not sorry, and will never regret taking the road less traveled. I feel bad because there are people who are upset with me because I can't act and think the same way they do.
It's a good thing there are those who still think I am special even in the presence of my intolerable weaknesses. Thank you for trying to see me in a different light and keeping me inspired at times I wanted to quit and give up on my dreams. Thank you for making me feel special even I don't have and know much. I love you everyday.
Unintentionally Untitled
I know it was just a dream, yet it was as pleasurable as the real thing. Our hands clasped together, the ceiling the sole witness to the overwhelming happiness sweeping over me as I lay there beside you. Out there, millions of stars were peering through the windows, to watch their brightest kin illuminate in the darkness of my room, and my life.
The thousand days went by, but the seed of courage I planted on day one still has not grown. It did not match the accomplishment the seed of love had achieved. From a tiny seed to a full grown tree, my love for you bears flowers, fruits, and all things wonderful no matter what the weather and the season may be. The light you brought never stopped working, so expect no withered leaves on the grounds during fall. I wish I could tell you about it, but courage develops too slow.
Hence, the dream. It became the outlet of the emotions I kept inside for almost half a decade now. I already held you in my arms like that, squeezed your hand so tightly yet so gently like that, closed my eyes as we unite our souls by that kiss I could never get enough of just the same way. Yet those dreams seem so believable that they satisfy the extreme thirst left unquenched in real life due to distance and so many other things we have no control of. Whether they happen in reality or in slumbers, the effects are similar: bewilderment and elation.
I want to keep dreaming and reach another star, this time, as a gift to the first star who willingly fell for me. Consider this as a promise fulfilled; consider the thousand miles gap closed, the rules bent, and all odds faced and conquered by the power of an incessant beating heart. It wasn't a choice, I didn't even have to make a decision about it. It is something which can't be helped, a force so strong it blew me away, and changed my life for the better.
You keep me breathing for you are my fresh air, my morning sunlight, my refreshing rain, my favorite song, my calm, my golden dust, my heartfelt laugh, my tomorrow, and everything else I need to live. With this, it can't be denied anymore that the memories you left remained intact in every hollow niche of my being. I love you.
The thousand days went by, but the seed of courage I planted on day one still has not grown. It did not match the accomplishment the seed of love had achieved. From a tiny seed to a full grown tree, my love for you bears flowers, fruits, and all things wonderful no matter what the weather and the season may be. The light you brought never stopped working, so expect no withered leaves on the grounds during fall. I wish I could tell you about it, but courage develops too slow.
Hence, the dream. It became the outlet of the emotions I kept inside for almost half a decade now. I already held you in my arms like that, squeezed your hand so tightly yet so gently like that, closed my eyes as we unite our souls by that kiss I could never get enough of just the same way. Yet those dreams seem so believable that they satisfy the extreme thirst left unquenched in real life due to distance and so many other things we have no control of. Whether they happen in reality or in slumbers, the effects are similar: bewilderment and elation.
I want to keep dreaming and reach another star, this time, as a gift to the first star who willingly fell for me. Consider this as a promise fulfilled; consider the thousand miles gap closed, the rules bent, and all odds faced and conquered by the power of an incessant beating heart. It wasn't a choice, I didn't even have to make a decision about it. It is something which can't be helped, a force so strong it blew me away, and changed my life for the better.
You keep me breathing for you are my fresh air, my morning sunlight, my refreshing rain, my favorite song, my calm, my golden dust, my heartfelt laugh, my tomorrow, and everything else I need to live. With this, it can't be denied anymore that the memories you left remained intact in every hollow niche of my being. I love you.
