Dollars Can't Buy Me Jeans

Time check, 11:16PM. Technically, it's still St. Patrick's day. My small wardrobe collection didn't permit me to wear green today, and my dirty mind is something I am not comfortable showing off, even the occasion calls for it. The alcohol, too, is simply out of sight because, yeah, I'm not Irish (and my Mom would surely flip out once she found out that I'm considering drinking) At work, I am this stupid-looking newbie who smiles a lot and avoids conversations because I am not good at small talks. I wanted to say something funny but I better not, because my humor borders on sarcasm and I've only been there for less than a month. Grim humor and budding relationships don't mix well in a professional environment.

All these mean one thing: this day is ordinary. Hold it there. Maybe it wasn't the day which is ordinary. Maybe I'm just not putting enough effort to turn a day into a 24 hour-long magical moment. I am stuck in this frame of mind where I think I am a failure because somebody is making me feel that way. It's crazy how I think everything is a mess, when in fact, the only problem is that I think too many problems complicate my life. So much of a mess that I don't know where to start patching, and how. I'm always afraid that something more terrible will happen, and that I won't be ready to face it. That's it, I'm creating my own monsters and arming them with the idea on how to defeat me. It's like locking myself up in a dungeon to engage in a futile battle with my own demons. And I am seeking help, only I am not shouting for rescue, just whispering... and I don't know why. It's insane.

Good thing my savior comes in during the times I hit the rock bottom. With cheery messages and a smile that says "I understand, and will be here for you." Even without me explaining anything, just instant acceptance and arms wrapped around my worn out body to reassure that nothing changed, I still have a space in your heart. I miss the warmth of your touch. With your insatiable and unconditional love, each day is St. Patrick's day for me. I am so lucky just having you in my life.

Too bad, these dollars can't buy me jeans.