RACQUELBALAOAS.COM

Disorganized Thoughts

Thoughts and ideas are running crazy all over my mind. I do have stories to share but I can't seem to make my brain work properly right now. My fingers are just stuck on the ASDF (spacebar) jkl; keys. So the following is just a rundown of what happened from may 30 - june 1.

May 30, 2007 (wednesday): I missed work. Had to visit St. Luke's extension clinic. I lack required docs so I went to NBI and Manila city hall instead. Got myself an NBI clearance for travel abroad. Birth cert. with NSO authentication will be released on tuesday.

May 31, 2007 (thursday): I missed work again. Went to St. Luke's. Have undergone physical examinations. Had to disrobe competely. I found exposing my bare body to a stranger a not so pleasant experience. I hated it. I also hated the nurse who extracted my blood. I thought she didn't do a good job. I was right. Read on.

June 1, 2007 (friday): The part where the novice nurse stuck the damn needle hurt. Left around the area is some ugly discoloration. I visited a derma in the morning then went back to St. Luke's in the afternoon. My eyes feasted on something wonderful. Don't be too nosey, it's a secret! Haha! Met Dave at Robinson's Ermita at 6pm. ---- chika galore ----- zzZ in the Makati house at 11pm.

Who's Going Out With Me on Wednesday Night?

Welcome to the Life of a Libran!

LIBRA

Your positive traits:
You are open minded enough to date outside your typical "type" ... successfully!
You are diplomatic - and likely to end a fight instead of dragging things out.
You are easily loyal and faithful, but only for the right person.

Your negative traits:
You're a bit gullible, and partners take advantage of you. You still may not know it.
You find it difficult to decide where to go to dinner, what movie to watch, who to date...
You have to be in a relationship, or else you just don't feel like yourself.

Your ideal partner:
A smooth talker who enjoys socializing as much as you to.
Someone classy and cultured who knows which wine to order with dinner.
Is beautiful to you - although not necessarily attractive in the traditional sense.

Your dating style:
Romantic. If your date comes bearing flowers, wine, and poetry... well, your heart soars.

Your seduction style:
Giving. Your lover's pleasure is as important as your own.
Soft and sensual - you don't like anything to be rough.
Extravagant ... your fantasy involves staying at a five star hotel with your love.

Tips for the future:
Don't be so quick to compromise in relationships - and you'll get taken advantage of yes.
Try being single for a while. Seems impossible, but you'll learn so much about yourself from doing so.
Make some decisions about your romantic life, right now. You'll be happy that you did.

Best color to attract mate: Green

Best day for a date: Wednesday

CALL ME.
hehehe.

May tinapos na kabaliwan. May sinimulan naman.

May tinapos na kabaliwan. May sinimulan naman.
May tinapos na kabaliwan. May sinimulan naman.
May tinapos na kabaliwan. May sinimulan naman.

Aargh! Sina Pan at Doms lang makakaintindi nito. Nakawala na ko sa nakaraan para makulong sa kasalukuyan. Hehe! Labo!

iba naman, iba naman....

My writing carreer is asking me to marry him.
He asks for too much.
He demands a lot of my time!
He pushes me to my limits!
He is such a pain in the ass...
But I love him so much.

Should I marry him and leave my other "flings"
like
Adobe Photoshop
Painting
Webdesigning
Law Study
Master of Arts in Philosophy degree
Weekly tomaan and galaan
?
??
???

Million Dollar Baby Damulag

It was just last April 16 when I marched at PICC to receive my college diploma. Exactly one week after, I got hired by Intelligraph and currently, I am processing the pre-employment requirements such as the SSS membership, NBI clearance, PhilHealth... etc. I've been given one week to accomplish the tasks and I must admit that so far, after 2 days of going to many different places, queuing up in many long lines, paying for the services rendered to me and doing all these with limited financial resources, my body is now complaining and asking for just one thing - rest.

Wait! I know what you're thinking, 2 days are too short a time to start grumbling. Of course, I still haven't told you that my feet never stopped roaming the busy streets of Ortigas to attend job interviews, jobs fairs and exams since the day I graduated. You probably don't have any idea that I'm also haggling at ukay stores for formal clothings, a task which requires a good amount of time and energy so as to find decent buys... remember, I'm running on low budget and I don't have a big wardrobe of formal wears so ukay goods will do, at least just for now. After attending to those grueling missions, I still lend some time to accompany my friends in their own quest of finding the job that'll suit their talents.

Truth be told, all these are tiring. Sometimes, I couldn't help but complain, especially at times when I cant seem to find the logical link between the task at hand and my goal. I couldn't understand why some private firms' services are worse than that of government's and why some public servants don't love their job and couldn't hide it. I can't understand why some people wouldn't have the discipline to fall in line but are adept in finding ways to double-cross those who seem "weak" to their eyes. But you know what's weird? After being able to accomplish my tasks for the day, I still go home wearing a smile on my face. The reason for this is not just the fact that I'm already hired, but the reality that my time was used in productive activities. I feel like as long as I know that something is worth working for, I will use up the last drop of my blood just to get it done. At the end of the day, I may reach home drained of energy (and a bit of sanity, too) and out of money, but my heart will be teeming with gladness because I know that I am, little by little, making my dreams come true.

In the movie "Million Dollar Baby", Clint Eastwood's character said this line after asking Hillary Swank's character if she's already tired of her boxing training with the former -- "Just go on. You can rest when you're dead"

I want to rest now, but I believe I will have a lot of time for that in the future, so, corporate world.... Veni, Vidi, Vici!

Cure to Disappointments: Apathy

APATHY: A state of not caring; not wanting to know; complacency; indifference; to ignore; disinterested in contemplation; anesthetized by popular culture; a postmodern intellectual narcosis; compassion fatigue; too lazy; too busy; self-indulgence; limited choices in work and leisure-time; non-reflection, non-deliberation and subconscious blocking of distressing information.

Do not say sorry. I wasn't hurt. Forget about it.

Onus, Dolorous, Erudite

googled image only, i certainly am not a guy.. =D

If you consider yourself an erudite (I've used it! For the first time! No! 2nd!) and you know the meanings of the words I've used in the title of this post, then good for you! I wish the range of my vocabulary is as wide as yours because that could have helped in my job screening yesterday! Argh!

The written exam is designed to test our grammar and vocabulary skills. I'm confident in my answers in part 1, which is the grammar test. But in the other half of the exam? NOT! Although I know the meaning of other given high-falluting words in the exam, I know the probability of getting the job I've applied for is very little. I believe so because older (older=more experienced) applicants were also there taking the test with me. Moreover, I read that that company hires only the best, and being a newbie in the corporate world, I don't think they'll consider me as one of the best... at least not yet. Well, if they hire me, I could prove to them that I'm mad to work and desirous of everything at the same time, the one who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"

I'm starting to become a beatnik! Hahahaha!

Madness

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!" - Jack Kerouac

Is he talking about passion? The rare kind, the same kind I have never ever felt and will never ever have the chance to feel? That wonderful feeling of positivism towards every undertaking; an overflowing enthusiasm that takes hold of one's being so he could climb the top and believe faithfully that he'll stay there for a long time? That insatiable confidence in the abilities and talents he possesses? Like what he has is something so unique that he considers it, not the best, but incomparable? The undying belief that if a bad thing happen, there must be something really good to come?

Or is he talking about plain madness? The kind that had always been inherent in me? That feeling of unexplainable fright to do or take something, because it's so damn hard, but I'll do it anyway because I'm so used to failures already that another one would hardly make any difference. Giving all you've got, even if it pales in comparison with what others have, even if it's so tiring and frustrating, just to show you are able and finding out in the end that, well, it's good enough. And you're so proud of yourself that you start thanking all the people who have become a part of your life, including those who didn't play a big part in your success; even those who have been critical of you or doubtful in your abilities; even those who have just lend you his/her ballpen once... you suddenly love the humanity you once abhor...

I think I really didn't understand the quote.... oh well. I'll just pick an easier one later. hehe.. like, time is gold.. yeah... that will do.

Come out! Come out!

"come out! come out!" - these were Simon Cowell's words to Ryan Seacrest during one episode of A.I. These are the same words I want to say to somebody now, but can't, because... well, what I have is just a funny feeling and I don't have sufficient evidence to support my allegation. In addition to that, I want to pass on being mean for a while... to pay respect to the recent holy week. Haha! Ok, ok... I don't wanna hurt his feelings.. he seems so fragile! hehe!

Anyway, this person I'm talking about, he appears to be gay to my senses. I don't know, I do hope that he's not, but... tsk, I think I'm pretty much sure about it. (So what, Racquel? Why so bothered?) I'm not bothered!! I just find him funny sometimes. He does things to cover up the truth, but the more he tries to hide it, the more his true identity shows. Lesson: It's ok to hide something, but don't make blatant moves that say "look! I'm hiding something!"... it's sick and crazy and funny! I know I'm not the only one who holds the same opinion about this person... it doesn't take a genius to decipher his true identity.

I find it hard, too, sometimes, to go out not wearing the acceptable mask. I kept on reminding myself that there's no use pleasing the society when in reality, the society doesn't really care about you. Society in general is just a collection of selfish, phony and shallow people, so why even try to belong? Answer: The sad reality --- in every person, there's a part which is either selfish, phony or shallow, and growing up doesn't happen overnight. So, yeah, I'm a fool playing a role sometimes... pathetic, right? Society, I so abhor it but it has become apparent that I'm part of it. But I'm fighting, I swear I'm fighting hard to make changes and I know changes should start within me.

It should start within us, right ***?

(name will be revealed if author is ready for counter-attacks) hehe....

Fruit Salad Wisdom

apples not discussed, googled image only

Lenten season means boredom season. I'm not saying that it is for everybody, I'm only applying it to myself because, really, you can not expect unreligious people to be productive in a religious time, especially if it's a commemoration of Jesus' death. Anyway, I'm not here to brag about this apathy I feel towards religion, this post doesn't intend to give way to a religious debate. I'm telling you, I don't have any plausible argument against religion. I don't have the time to waste making one.

Anyway, because it's lenten season, I'm stuck here in my Cainta empty palace doing nothing more than eating, sleeping and surfing the net. I feel so unproductive that sometimes, I surrender to my conscience and wash the dishes. Today, I ate the last of Ate Lani's fruit salad and while indulging in the sweet, mouth-watering (drool, baby, drool!) treat, some weird things just came flowing through my mind (like the salad has some illegal substance in it).

The fruit salad includes these fruits: pineapple, papaya, nata de coco, cherries and grapes. There were lots of pineapples and papayas and a good number of nata. But the cherries and grapes, I had to run my spoon through the bowl just to spot their hide-outs.

Why do fruit cocktail cans are usually filled with more pineapple and papaya and less cherries? (grapes were separately bought) is it because the formers were cheaper? and the latter is more pleasing to the taste bud? yeah, i think so. I just realized that I would rather scour the entire bowl of fruit salad for cherries than satisfy myself with the abundant pineapple or papaya bits... hmm.. well, I envy the people who are easily contented, they are happier because they don't suffer from waiting... good for them... but I know I will still look for my cherries... (forgive my blatant exhibit of the developing insanity)

the problem is, what if there is really no cherry left in the fruit salad?

lamang tiyan din naman ang pineapple ah... kaya ayun, kinain ko rin.

GoodBye Gina!

The girl who rocked A.I's Season 7

Gina Glocksen, the resident rocker of season 7 of the hit show American Idol wasn't really one of my bets, but her farewell surely disappointed me because I know she has a better singing prowess than Haley or Phil... and.. don't even get me started with Sanjaya..

I don't wanna be mean to anyone... I know that being one of the top 12 is enough assurance that he or she has the talent or the potential to be the next American Idol... because the 3 judges, and not yet the US residents, are the ones who determined the dozen finalists. But Sanjaya, he's beginning to be an awful joke in the contest. I read in an on-line article about other idols being annoyed at the questionable, prolonged stay of the 17 yr. old Sanjaya. Can't blame 'em.. true, if I were them, I will find it truly frustrating to be competing with a person who has nothing more than a large fan base and an unripened talent.

But hey, at least when Gina was announced as the latest casualty of the show, many showed a sign of disapproval and disbelief. For Sanjaya, maybe it'll be just plain relief.

go to hell... both of you.

This is not written out of bitterness. Maybe out of wrath because I am a pathetic loser of your game. Maybe out of self-pity because I fell so deep in love with your lies. Or maybe out of confusion because you made me feel two ambivalent emotions, that of the extremes of love and hate.

You will get yours someday, worse than the kind of pain I am feeling right now. Worse than your little brain could ever imagine.

I just wish that someday, your partner (your 2nd and the... 11th, 12th or 13th?) who, I believe, you fell in love with while your eyes were closed, will not leave you (that means **** would have to stay as dumb as he is right now) even if he found out about your dirtty extra-curricular activities.

Fool him. Fool yourself believing that you've moved on from that heartache where your bestfriend was the traitor. I'm leaving your sick old childish games. Finally, you gave me a reason to take back all the good things I said about you... You don't deserve all those praises. You've hurt too many people... enough reason for you not to be happy.

Well, I know you're not really happy now anyway. Still living a lie, eh?

Perfect blog title? Swak? Wait for my next posts... things might get a little bit nastier than this.

LONGER

I missed her again, even if I can't remember her face anymore because it has been more than three months since the last time I saw her. But that doesn't matter. I don't need to remember her face, it really wasn't all that pretty and unforgettable. There is something about her that caught my attention and I know it isn't just her face.

Still wondering. Why can't I forget her? I've forgiven her... or maybe not, because there's really nothing to apologize for. I was hurt, but whether it was caused by her or self-inflicted isn't really important to know anymore. I will still feel the pain. I will still be wishing for her to come back and be my friend.

And when that day arrived, I will ask her to stay, longer than she intends to,
longer than I expect her to,
longer than she thinks I want her to,
longer than I wished for,
longer than the destined duration for her to be beside me...

longer than forever.

time for transformation

maybe it's time for some changes.. not just minor ones, I'm talking about a full transformation. Ron told me, because she heard me telling to doms about the incident of seeing kermit's best friend at school, that if I want something to happen, I just can't leave it all to chance. I've heard it all before, that I'm too slow or I'm not too aggressive in getting the things I want. I'm not insistent enough. I complicate things which are a no-brainer to others. In short, it takes me sooo long before I act on something that the right time to do it already passed.

I need to change. I want to change, really, but I really don't know how and where to start. I was afraid to change before because I want acceptance. But from what I have noticed, people don't really care if you change, as long as they could still benefit from you. They won't care if you shift your style of humor from witty to sarcastic as long as you can still make them laugh. They won't care if I post negative things about other people on my site as long as it isn't them I'm talking shit about. They don't care and they won't give a damn unless it has something to do with them.
Now, I'm going to change.

I will change. I still don't know how and where I'm going to start but I'm telling you, you'll notice it and you only have two choices: love me or hate me.

ending the frustration...

yesterday, I invited a few friends to come over at our place to celebrate with us, because my brother just got married. Apparently, they have more important things to attend to - kim, his scheduled volleyball game; jean, her thesis; leo and jake, their classes. I texted the others but maybe, they were so busy that they can't afford to lose even a few seconds of their time to text back. Even Dave didn't make it because Sir Hec ordered him to re-tally the answers in the thesis survey returns. I got depressed... not because of their absence at the party, but because I remembered Kermit again, and have managed to come up with bitter realizations.

If only things were the same as before, I know Kermit will be there. The only one who will be there. That's the exact reason I love Kermit so much, she finds ways to be there for me. You can say that I'm being irrational because what was missed, after all, was just a party. You may not know this, but when I need to go to a particular place, she would always offer herself as company. Throughout my life, no other person did something like that for me. Nobody could claim that they missed the more important things to be there for me. Nobody but Kermit. So even if my heart is still suffering from an excruciating pain her reckless abandon have caused, I won't let people ostracize her for being a heartbreaker that she is. She deserve some credits.

This is not an attempt to bring back what was lost. I'm not hoping to gain back the relationship I had with Kermit. Honestly, I don't want her back. What's done is done, just move on and don't regret it. I don't miss the person, only her actions. Remember that line from Matchbox 20's "Last Beautiful Girl"? The one that you wrecked won't take you back...

Another thing, why is it so easy to say "no" to me? Kermit said "no" to me, people I invited said "no" to me. As I recall happenings in the past, I noticed that there are more rejections of my propositions than acceptance. Is it an "oh, it's just racquel" thing? I got the message - I'm not that important. Yes, I'm venting out. I'm tired of keeping to myself my negative observations. Let truth be known, I'm more sensitive and less understanding than you think I am. Or you could say that I'm just a damaged person. Damaged by people's insensitivity to my needs. It's all so disappointing.

My report is about social groups in our soc anthro class. According to what I've read, a group can be classified as Primary or Secondary. A primary group's end is to strenghthen the tie that binds them, therefore, improvement of relationship. A secondary group builds a relationship because they want to achive a certain goal, therefore, strenghtening the tie is just a mean to an end. Why am I telling these things here? simple. from what I observed, the people whom I thought I have primary relationships with showed signs that my relationship with them is just a secondary one.
I understand that the people I expected and trusted to be there for me were doing the 'more important' things in their lives. They need to do those things. Ok, let me pretend I perfectly understand it. It's not you guys, I'm just so lost right now... I wish you have an idea about it. If you do, you'll perfectly understand too why I'm behaving like this...

People said I lost some pounds... I actually did. From 160 lbs last january, I now weigh less than 150. The secret? Everytime I wake up, it's already the thought of kermit occupying my head. Appetite lost. I'll eat a little in the morning then go on with my day. In the afternoon, my stomach already hurts but I won't feel it. Why? Because my heart hurts more. When I get home at night, I'll play badminton with my brother because it keeps my mind away from reliving the bitter sweet memories. My body's so weak but I feel weaker inside. I can't turn to food and rest for salvation... what I need is something money can't buy... and she's so far away.

I hope the drama ends here. I'm tired... so tired.

Surprise! Surprise!

Papasok ako kanina sa aking iskul nang mamataan ko ang isang pamilyar na mukha. Nakadama ako ng panandaliang paghinto ng pintig ng puso at pagbalik nito, mas mabilis na kaysa sa normal. Nakita ko si Kris, ang bespren ni *toot*... napangiti na lang ako. Dati kasi, nung mga panahong maraming tanong sa isip ko tungkol sa biglaang pagkawala (o pag-alis) ni tae, gustong gusto kong makita si Kris. May mga pagkakataon pa ngang tumatambay ako sa Freedom park para lang hintayin ang kanyang pagdaan. Gumawa pa ko ng sulat para kay tae dahil alam kong halos araw-araw silang kung magkita. Pero kanina...

Dumaan lang ako sa harapan nya. Hindi ko alam kung nakita nya ko... kasama ko kasi ang kaklase ko sa P.E nun kaya hindi ko na rin nagawa pa siyang lapitan. Midterm exam kasi namin sa P.E.

Dumaan muna ako sa opisina ni Doms para ibalita ang nangyari. Sabi ko sa kanya, gusto kong lapitan si Kris, pero may posibilidad kasi na hindi nya rin ako kausapin (baka tulad din sya ni tae). Wala naman syang masyadong reaksyon, sabi nya lang, "bakit hindi mo lapitan?" sagot ko, "hindi na rin yata kasi ako interesado malaman pa ung mga bagay na gusto kong malaman noon eh.." dumating si Jen at iniwan ko na sila.

Pumunta kaming ARH bldg dahil doon daw kami mag-eexam. 4th floor un kaya nag elevator na kami. Pagpasok ko, nandun si Kris. Nginitian nya ko, nginitian ko din naman sya, pero yun lang. Hindi nya gusto magsalita, ayoko rin namang magsimula. Alam ko marami syang alam. She knows the answers to all of my questions. Sadly, I'm not interested in knowing the answers anymore.

I'm happy. I thought seeing Kris will be like facing the King of Pain again. I was wrong. I actually felt as if I'm the one who should be asked a lot of questions. "Ok k n b?" "Kumusta ka na?" Hehe. Ma-feeling lang?

Ang gaan ng loob ko. Ang gaan-gaan ng feeling. Uy, itutuloy nyang ikanta yan... hehe.

I Wanna Be Bad...

Lately, I have running out of realizations. Finally, I got tired of thinking. But instead of feeling relaxed, I've become more restless. I have no more interest in making sense of the happenings that go on in my life. Tired of figuring out the meanings, God's purpose and possible reasons why things happen. For one moment, I decided that I shouldn't always be understanding... that more often than not, I am the victim of other people's irrationality, so why not choose to become the predator this time? Yes, I'm tired of being nice and kind because I noticed that being such is only allowing myself to be the target of other people's cruelty. Why should I even be one? I'm not after that promised heaven anyway because never did I imagine myself flying around with fluffy wings, dressed in some pristine white clothing. I don't even know if I will ever be ready to face God... I think nice people are nice because they are after these rewards. Being God-fearing is typical characteristic of nice people. If you know someone who isn't God-fearing but is nice and kind, tell me coz I'm interested in meeting my own kind. hehe.

So, I want to be mean... where do I start? Oh, backstabbing. The favorite hobby of the people around me. But wait, I think I'm already exercising that, and I'm actually good at it! I can actually point out every weaknesses of all people I know. I'm that good! I have one question though, what if I do have something good to say about each and everyone too? That would make me an appreciative backstabber, right? I know there are people out there who are aware of the backstabbing I do behind their backs, I dare them to step forward and ask for confirmation. I'll tell them the truth. I backstab not because I want to make an ugly portrayal of their being in front of others, I backstab because I know these people can't accept the truth and it would hurt them too badly that they'll start defending themselves, denying and doing counter-attacks. Chaos is an outcome which I'm not interested to witness or be a part of. What I am doing is only discussing to other people one's attitude (not the person per se) and try to find out if they have the same observation about the person. Therefore, even if you call that backstabbing, I won't feel guilt because my moral fiber tells me with conviction that it is not. Backstabbing is calling someone a bitch just because you don't have the same hot body and is therefore not receiving the same amount of attention that bitch receives! Backstabbing is ridiculing your classmate behind her back by spilling that she has B.O but you never really tried to mention it to her because all your answers in all exams were taken from the test paper of that smelly but brainy classmate of yours! Backstabbing only happens when you make someone believe that he/she is your friend when in reality, the friendship you claim to exist is only lip-service. The element of betrayal of trust should exist first before you can qualify it as backstabbing. For the sake of the self-righteous and dogmatic readers of this entry (who are probably backstabbers in some ways or in some days), you don't have to agree with me. Call me a backstabber anytime you like. Anytime.. you can do it upfront or... behind my back... :)

I wanna be bad. I wanna be harsh and mean. I wanna be hated by many. Be a modern day Hitler. Bully the bullies. Belittle those who pretend to be smart. Make the heartbreakers cry some tears too. Embarass those who don't know how to show respect. Spit on the dirt-free faces of the posers and hypocrites. backstab the backstabbers. hate evil.
Gee, what an evil plan. bwahahaha!

My Love

It's ok.. if you have decided long ago, even before you met me, that your heart will belong to somebody else, or will be shared only to a fortunate few, which doesn't include me. It's ok if you could only let me watch them come and go, as long as they make you really happy. It's ok if you'll hold my hand only to let go of it once they're already around, because I completely understand the fact that it's worse losing them than losing me. It's ok if you think that I will leave you because I want you just for myself... but you should not fool yourself into believing that I'd be that shallow. I will be here for you, no matter what... just don't close the door if your room's already full and reserve a little space for a love that can be so great. My Love.

I could not really ask for more. You helped me get through the heartbreak that almost killed me, figuratively speaking. With your presence, I was out of the dumps, I found my worth that I almost believe I never had. You saved me... and made me realize that I could not be the savior all the time. I thought it's wrong to be weak, but it's really ok to be like that if it's you who is destined to show up and teach me the right way to be strong. And strength cannot be measured by how long you could hold back the tears or how soon you could forget the person who hurt you... strength is being ready for tomorrow without regretting whatever happened in the past. I consider my past a struggle to be here, the now. And right now, I feel so blessed because you made the present worth all the wait and pain. You, My Love.

Famous Last Words...

…I’m not ready yet? Nope. I’m not trying to write another entry with passages of a song, I’ll just be using Jars of Clay’s song title to describe the words “thought so” because indeed, those were the famous last words of, uhmm, wait, I know the person I’m talking about here is not really into reading blogs, but people who knew us both might take a peek so I might as well give that person a codename. Let’s try Kermit. Hahaha! (Hmm.. bakit kaya?! Hehe!) Ayun, si Kermit nga. Those were Kermit’s famous last words. Y’know what, Kermit? You should’ve just told me all the upsetting, unspoken words in your mind because, after all, I knew they were disappointing anyway. What’s the use of keeping it all inside when I already read it in your eyes the last time we spent time together? Too bad, I won’t have the chance to thank you personally for all the changes you brought into my life. You were the sweetest person who walked into my life… yep, past tense. I always thought you were the best that I even thought of welcoming you again if ever you decide to come back. But I guess our friendship never really mattered to you because you left just like that. I understand you, we only met last June and our friendship wasn’t fully developed. 6 months may not be enough for you to consider exchanging of formal, heartfelt goodbyes if ever you needed a moment of solitude; to organize your life on your own or without me in it. It never really occurred to me that it was just 6 months that we’ve known each other because it felt as if we’ve known each other for years! Ok, my fault. A wonderful thought like that, even how wonderful it is, is a step outside the boundaries of reality. Truth is, it was just 6 months for you, already 6 months for me.

I’m not waiting for you anymore. Waiting is a form a suicide, if I may quote a line from ate vanna’s poem. When you left, I thought my world has ended. But I realized that only in the dictionary that the words end and beginning are antonyms, because if we are to use them in life situations, they can be synonymous terms. When you ended something between us, something actually began. You departure was an indispensable element to the start of that something. I just hope that something good already began in your life.

One Last Wonderful Day

Friday night, I was at the LRT Recto station waiting for the next train to Santolan when I saw a woman carrying a child on her arms. She was talking with the security guards and though I’m not really interested in what they were talking about, I had an earshot of their conversation because I’m only a few steps away from them. The lady with the child said: “Sabi kasi nila patay na, e nasa palengke pa ako nun kaya nagmadali na lang ako umuwi, tapos nung dumating ako dumilat pa sya, kaya heto dinala ko agad.” I was intrigued so I looked again at the child who I barely noticed when I arrived there. I was taken aback by the sight of the little girl on the woman’s arms. The child is really, and I mean really, thin. How thin? Put your two fingers together and you’re already having a glimpse of her arm. I’m not being pessimistic here when I say that that child would only have but a few months to live with the kind of body she has. I turned my eyes away from the unbearable display of life’s reality and preoccupied my mind with other thoughts. I don’t want to stare a long time like what other people did. By staring at the mother and child, they thought they could show that they care, but I think watching people in such pitiful condition only shows the incapability of most of us to offer a help that is really needed because we conceive sympathy as a valuable aid when in fact it is not. I always refuse to sympathize, believing that I’m only allowing one to go for a dip in a drowning pool of self-pity when I try to commiserate. Anyway, thank God it’s already the last station and I managed not to look at the subject of murmurs and stares in the train. I decided to let the others go first to avoid having the glimpse of that little girl, but when I was about to go down the stairs, I saw the little girl. She saw me too. Our eyes met. I turned my back because my eyes welled with tears. I couldn’t control the crying. I cried not because I pitied her frail body or because of the idea that one mother will lose a child anytime soon. I cried because I didn’t see any sign of unhappiness or pain in the child’s eyes. I’m not saying that she was otherwise, but I think what I saw was acceptance of fate, that she is ready to let go.

I entitled this “One Last Wonderful Day” because that’s what I prayed to God for them. I asked Him to give the child one last wonderful day here on earth before He decides to carry the child on his loving arms up in heaven.