Pain, Pain, Go Away!

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

Don't make me whole, just don't make me look back anymore. There is no way you can put back the pieces together, leave them there. They serve as a reminder that in falling in love I should leave some love for myself, too, that way I will have the strength to pull myself together once somebody torn me apart. Not like when you left, the only thing I was able to do is try to fight the tears from falling, which was unsuccessful.

Maybe I expected too much from love, or maybe I blindly insisted that it was love. I mistook your actions and promises as signs of a love that needs to reciprocated. I thought it was a give and take relationship so I gave generously, not knowing that you only intended to give for a short time, and not even interested in what I have to offer. I'm tired of saying sorry for not being the ideal partner, but I guess it's true, I am not an ideal partner. I really wish I can be perfect, but then again I realized one of the reasons I love you is because you accepted me the way I am.

This is not written out of desperation to welcome me back to your life. In fact, that thought scares the hell out of me because I sure do not want to go back to those nights I had to cry myself to sleep only to wake up crying again because in my dreams you were running away, and I keep running after you, me begging you to stop and you not giving a damn. The fake smile I had to wear to show my friends that I am over you, which they find hard to believe because the eyes are not good in hiding emotions. I don't want to go back to those days I felt so little, incompetent, and unattractive.

I am not asking you to say sorry, either. I am done blaming one of us for a love that wasn't meant to be. I realized we don't even know each other that well to be in love. However, unlike you, I really loved you, though. The purpose of this writing is to remind myself that even my heart was broken, I don't have to be totally OK to be able to love again. I just need to avoid looking back at the old pains that you brought, because each time I do, I'm getting the urge to run away and jump in my shell again to be safe. I need to move forward with a broken heart and ask somebody to help me glue the pieces back together instead.

I chose not to suffer.