Decisions, decisions...

Pacing back and forth, restless
Eyes unable to resist looking
underneath her bed, a long abandoned secret
slowly walks toward it, then quickly backs away

an invitation to temptation
took a lot of courage to even start to fight
winning in the beginning,
in the end unable to tame a rebel heart

should she
walk out with shame for attempting to relive old depravities?
or
retrieve the torn pages she refuse to get rid of
because the haunting of the past she seems to enjoy?

There is no more miserable human being than one in whom nothing is habitual but indecision.

-- William James (1842 - 1910)

The Week's Premium Mix

Success, one ingrown toenail at a time...

Thursday, 25th of March, was a special day for me at the clinic. I had a patient with bilateral ingrowing toenails. Usually, I only play as an assistant to the health provider for the toenail removal surgery, handing tools or dabbing oozing blood. However, that day, I was given the chance by CPT Bellamy to do the entire surgery by myself -- from injecting anesthesia to yanking out the whole toenail out of the patient's big toe. 

Doing the procedure made me feel proud of myself. However, the best thing about that day is the fact that the doctor trusted in me that I can do it, and I feel that I met her expectations. I can be proud of myself of my own achievement, brag about it until all my Facebook friends have been notified that my career may bloom into something bigger in the future. But it is the quiet approvals, the silent taps on the back which really matter to me. Success tastes sweeter not when you loudly declared it to the people around the world, but when the world finds a way to whisper to your ear, "You're almost there... keep on going"

Thanks, CPT Bellamy! 

Simple is Genius

I wish people can go back to being simple. I am not talking about having small dreams or producing inferior ideas. I am thinking of something that of a child's thoughts -- great because it is simple, unadulterated. I wish we can be more easily contented, but not in a way that we shun away from necessary improvements. By simple I mean appreciation of what is really beautiful, wanting just enough, recognizing truth and keeping it pure. I wish people would let go of their insecurities, inspire other people to do great... in short, do what feels right even if you're struggling, too, to fight your own demons. 

Isn't it funny how simple sounds so easy, but if you look inside yourself and tell yourself that you should try it, a big part of you would explain how impractical it is. That's the problem, simple is hard to put into practice when at stake is your own interests.

For now, simple is just a dream. For now, we shall call it "ideals".

Retaso

Retaso

In a neighborhood where poverty resides – the poor and jobless involve themselves in unproductive activities such as small talks about other people’s businesses. My grandma was one of the few who refused to partake in what she deemed as “unhealthy and damaging” practice and did something fruitful with her time instead.

My mother, who worked in the Middle East for 20 years, gave my Lola a sewing machine. While my mom’s working overseas, it was my grandma who took care of us. When I was a kid, around 5 or 6, I watched her bring in a bag of “retasos” or scrap fabrics from the alteration/tailor shop. These tiny pieces of cloth were sewn together by my lola to make blankets and shorts for us. The other kids would often laugh at me and my cousins because everybody can tell that we’re wearing something that weren’t bought from clothing stores.Sometimes, the left side will be longer than the other, and of course, the obvious hodge-podge of fabrics and colors. There will be a tinge of embarrassment, but I would still wear them because without them we’ll be walking around naked.

The blankets, although weren’t thick enough to fully protect us from the chill brought by the wet season, were used until I left that place in Makati where I grew up. I didn’t have a bed so I slept on the floor covered by that blanket. I treasured those blankets because of the little comfort it provided. Little is something, and something is always better than nothing.

Little is rarely appreciated nowadays. The lesson I learned from my experience is not that we have to appreciate these so-called “little things”, but to develop and value the ability to appreciate. When you appreciate, you see the importance of one thing and try to put it into use. You become creative. Like the way my grandma appreciated the stuff other people have already conceived as garbage. It still amazes me how I learned so much from a person who wasn’t fortunate enough to obtain education. For me, it takes a great mind and strength of character to refuse to take the path usually travelled by the underprivileged that care less about morals and more about where their next meal is coming from.

Amidst the challenges of poverty, over-all I believe I grew up a happy person. I looked at my childhood photos, and saw that even in shots where were supposed to look serious, I was making all these crazy, funny faces. My older cousin even told me one time that on weekends, I would even ask them if it’s already time to change for school, excited, although I was only given bread and water whenever I go to school. Like my Lola, I never craved for the comforts money can bring. I will put steamed rice in my coffee at times we don’t have anything to eat. I was OK about it, because my lola made it look like it is nothing to be ashamed of.

I notice that people who know how to appreciate receive an increasing flow of blessings. At first it’s a trickle, progresses into a shower and then later turn into a heavy downpour. We appreciate what we had. Now, we have so much more.

If you have access to the basic human necessities and still feel deprived, there’s nothing wrong with the world. It is your lack of appreciation of things that truly matter that hinders you to be happy. It is never too late to gather your retasos and put them together.

Down, Dance, Up, Dance

Down, Dance, Up, Dance

 

For 23 years now, I have dealt and still dealing with people who are hard to get along with. Rude people in particular, how did they get to that point where it is easy for them to say something so inconsiderate to another? And why do I always seem to be bothered by this, when two decades seem long enough for me to get used to the unnecessary remarks?

 

Mean people are unavoidable, they are always going to be around you. Their attitudes were shaped by the people they have been with and the kind of environment they grew up on. To some people, they may not be as bad as I think they are. They are beloved children, parents, friends of people who care for them. I realized that our differences in principles is the one to blame for the gap. My reaction was caused by my desire not to widen this gap. I am bothered because while I was trying to build a bridge, the person on the other end is trying to burn it. A futile effort, a waste of time, and a wake up call to kill my ideals that keep my faith in humanity alive.

 

I could not understand why, the moment it happened and hours after a conflict, my mind was still occupied with questions of where did I go wrong and what are the steps to set things right. Then I go home, let the quietness of my surrounding hear the inquiries of my heart. We made a deal that if I temporarily deposit these negative thoughts in my head right now to Him, He will give me answers.

 

I wake up with utmost serenity, I almost forget about my troubles with certain people. I feel the day is so packed with awaiting opportunities that there was no time to think about the person who couldn't get them. Then there was the answer -- maybe those people who carry their burdens with them do not wake up the same way I do, and chances are, they died a long time ago even before they started to live their life.

 

When you're down, dance. When you're up, dance. You could still hear the music, the others don't anymore.

HHC 2-227 Docs and Medics

2010, Here They Are...

Some people may think that this is too late for this: new year's resolutions. I know, I know, January's almost over, but hey, it is never too late to change for the better. I gave myself ample time to think of items to include on my list: things to keep, change, get, and get rid of.

Things to Keep

1. My dedication to a healthy lifestyle

This current body physique I have right now, although not perfect, is a big improvement from how I was two years ago. It was the end product of discipline and motivation, two things which are hard to develop in one's self. Saying NO to the ubiquitous temptations around me is hard but trust me, it is easier to continue a healthy lifestyle than to start from the beginning all over again.

2. Growing Up

I don't proclaim to be a good person, but I do think I've done a pretty good job on the character area. The past year didn't witness any deliberate act to damage people's reputation or feelings from me. Or even if it did, those were moments where I have no control over the situation. I hate it when that happens, but I hate myself more because those unfavorable circumstances showed my selfish side. However, I think the ability to recognize your own fault is a sign of maturity. I learn, I move on.

3. Friends and Family

As days pass by, they accumulate into years, and the next time you know, these years are not just mere cycles of day and night, but a tool that can burn bridges. Time permits a person to change, and changes bring opportunities or otherwise. Either way, being away from people who matter to you is inevitable. However, I realized that being away didn't really affect my profound love for my family and friends. I do experience an extreme longing for some bonding moments, which can't be fulfilled while I'm deployed, but I won' let that severe the ties I built with people from past.

4. Love of Knowledge

In the process of learning, I found out that the more I learn about other things, the more I know about myself. Education doesn't just lead you to answers, it invites you to come up with more questions. My quest for knowledge has led me to great opportunities and self-improvement, so I'm not stopping because there's more to come... =)

Things to Change

1. Turn to Semi-Perfectionist

I always do my best in everything I do, and expect the results as how I've envisioned them in my mind. It doesn't always turn out that way and I feel like a failure when it happens. I get depressed, and too worried that my future endeavors could also have horrific endings. Well, I am starting to realize that results are not just entirely dependent on my performance or how much I put into it. Although it is a big factor, it doesn't control the whole system of events. So, I'm going to do my best, sit back, and ready to learn and move on. (again!)

2. Read More

I am starting a "One Book A Month" program. When I was younger, whenever I was in a library or bookstore, I will drool over these good reads that I couldn't afford to buy. Now that I have to money to get them, I couldn't find the time to start flipping through the pages. At times I do have the time, I get lazy to read. So, this year, I think I'll get myself an ereader, and read at least one title a month.

3. Spending Habits

Will soon stop buying clothing and electronics or buy less... soon because I know I need new Jeans to replace the now loose ones. Will also start saving up for my future house and lots in the Philippines and in Texas, too! =)

Things to Get

1. Realty

Aside from my own house and lot, I will get myself into realty business. The actual buying of properties won't start until after 3-4 years. For now, the entire year will be devoted on research and studying to avoid the pitfalls of bad investments. For me, business is not about getting a lot of money for myself. I see it as a challenge, like the same challenge I gave to myself when I tried to draw, make web pages, or learn medical stuff. I want to see if I can do it. =)

2. Relationship

The countless heartaches from the past turned me into a different person. From a person who easily falls and go head over heels, hopelessly in love, I became a practical lover. I don't see magic anymore in people's actions, just intentions. Everyday, I pray for somebody who can bring back that grand feeling. However, the men I met so far made me think that the chance of getting a good guy is really, realy slim. *sigh* oh well, there's always women... =) hahaha

3. Network

Make more friends and affiliates. Helps me cure this useless shyness.

Things to get rid of

1. Selfishness

I am bad at this. I don't want to elaborate more because I don't want the horrible feeling to linger, but I do admit doing things for my own benefit. At the expense of others. They're just little things but I'm afraid that if I don't get rid of my selfishness, it might become a habit or a bad excuse.

2. Clutters

Throw away things that I continue to hold on to for no valid reason. Like ill feelings towards certain people, give away stuff in my drawers that are of little use to me, but are important to others. Yes, I am decluttering my life.

From the Bottom of my Quads

From the Bottom of my Quads

I read several fitness articles emphasizing the importance of lunges and squats as part of a workout routine. I did squats when I was in basic, and went back to it during my first few weeks here in Iraq. However, I stopped doing it because I got into these biceps and abs obsession so I worked those muscles religiously. My self-developed routine helped me to build not just some muscle mass on those areas, but also strong core muscles. And with strong core muscles, my running also improved a lot. I forgot to mention this here on my blog (because I haven't been able to update in a long while) but on our October 2009 record APFT, I got a 295 score.

Anyway, back to lunges and squats, the other day, I started doing them again because, like I said, fitness experts agree that properly executed lunges and squats should be part of a real fitness enthusiasts workout plan. I was fine after doing 3 sets of 15 reps for both exercises, and 3 sets of 20 push ups. However, the next day I got up from bed, I felt a really bad soreness on my quads that turns into pain whenever I bend my knees. So today I went to the gym and just stared at the treadmill with a sad face. I can't even walk normal because of the discomfort! From what I read, this indicates weak quadricep muscles. So, this only means I have to do more of these exercises even if they are the source of the pain. Realization struck: pain builds tolerance and tolerance to pain strenghtens.

From a point of view of a pessimist, this is just a form of getting used to suffering. For them, it is our body that suffers so much that it chose to go numb. If this is true, then why do we develop muscles? Why do we improve on our sports when in fact, numbness is just not feeling anything, it doesn't speed up your runs nor does it help you go from 5k-er to a marathoner? Moreover, numbness is temporary. Once it goes away, you are left weaker and more susceptible to graver pain. Some people get too traumatized by previous pains or become too apprehensive of pain that they choose to hide under a rock and refuse to do again whatever caused pain in the past. In short, they stop living, not knowing that next time will feel better.

However, rest is still necessary. Some hardcore fitness nuts see pain as a weakness and their ego won't allow them to admit that they are indeed susceptible to it. They pretend being invincible and refuse to let pain dictate what they can or can't do once pain sets in. These people also see rest as a way of procrastinating and a sorry excuse for diminishing motivation. Go ahead, high-speed, let's see who will be having frequent visits to doctors for back problems by the time they're 30. Rest is not a lazy day, it is a reward for your body for not failing you on those days it worked hard the way you wanted it to.

These also apply to love after a heartbreak. Love more and love right amidst the pain caused by dishonesty and rejection. Love even if hurts a lot because pain will arm you with everything you have to know about love -  its truths and illusions, and teach you how to separate one from the other. Failing at love is a learning experience, only it's your choice if you want to apply what you learned or refuse to acknowledge its purpose. However, don't forget to give yourself a break, too, if needed. Againlet pain be your guide at this. Perfect timing is an essential factor to almost everything, and falling in love is no exception.

Right now, I am walking with a limp but is thinking of a good date to start my everyday 5k runs again. There will be 3 sets of 15 reps of lunges and squats on top of that run, only next time, it won't hurt as much I am hurting now. I heard my body just said "Ooh! I'm excited!!"

Dear Philstar Celebrity Run 2009 Organizers

I viewed the 10k results for female runners, and I was disappointed. Obviously, you didn't know how to keep track of your runners and their correct times. 9th place should have been mine.

At least I get to contribute to a good cause, that's all that matters. =)

Next up, 13.1 miles on February 27 in Camp Taji, Iraq... something to erase a bad memory, I guess. Hehe.