2010, Here They Are...

Some people may think that this is too late for this: new year's resolutions. I know, I know, January's almost over, but hey, it is never too late to change for the better. I gave myself ample time to think of items to include on my list: things to keep, change, get, and get rid of.

Things to Keep

1. My dedication to a healthy lifestyle

This current body physique I have right now, although not perfect, is a big improvement from how I was two years ago. It was the end product of discipline and motivation, two things which are hard to develop in one's self. Saying NO to the ubiquitous temptations around me is hard but trust me, it is easier to continue a healthy lifestyle than to start from the beginning all over again.

2. Growing Up

I don't proclaim to be a good person, but I do think I've done a pretty good job on the character area. The past year didn't witness any deliberate act to damage people's reputation or feelings from me. Or even if it did, those were moments where I have no control over the situation. I hate it when that happens, but I hate myself more because those unfavorable circumstances showed my selfish side. However, I think the ability to recognize your own fault is a sign of maturity. I learn, I move on.

3. Friends and Family

As days pass by, they accumulate into years, and the next time you know, these years are not just mere cycles of day and night, but a tool that can burn bridges. Time permits a person to change, and changes bring opportunities or otherwise. Either way, being away from people who matter to you is inevitable. However, I realized that being away didn't really affect my profound love for my family and friends. I do experience an extreme longing for some bonding moments, which can't be fulfilled while I'm deployed, but I won' let that severe the ties I built with people from past.

4. Love of Knowledge

In the process of learning, I found out that the more I learn about other things, the more I know about myself. Education doesn't just lead you to answers, it invites you to come up with more questions. My quest for knowledge has led me to great opportunities and self-improvement, so I'm not stopping because there's more to come... =)

Things to Change

1. Turn to Semi-Perfectionist

I always do my best in everything I do, and expect the results as how I've envisioned them in my mind. It doesn't always turn out that way and I feel like a failure when it happens. I get depressed, and too worried that my future endeavors could also have horrific endings. Well, I am starting to realize that results are not just entirely dependent on my performance or how much I put into it. Although it is a big factor, it doesn't control the whole system of events. So, I'm going to do my best, sit back, and ready to learn and move on. (again!)

2. Read More

I am starting a "One Book A Month" program. When I was younger, whenever I was in a library or bookstore, I will drool over these good reads that I couldn't afford to buy. Now that I have to money to get them, I couldn't find the time to start flipping through the pages. At times I do have the time, I get lazy to read. So, this year, I think I'll get myself an ereader, and read at least one title a month.

3. Spending Habits

Will soon stop buying clothing and electronics or buy less... soon because I know I need new Jeans to replace the now loose ones. Will also start saving up for my future house and lots in the Philippines and in Texas, too! =)

Things to Get

1. Realty

Aside from my own house and lot, I will get myself into realty business. The actual buying of properties won't start until after 3-4 years. For now, the entire year will be devoted on research and studying to avoid the pitfalls of bad investments. For me, business is not about getting a lot of money for myself. I see it as a challenge, like the same challenge I gave to myself when I tried to draw, make web pages, or learn medical stuff. I want to see if I can do it. =)

2. Relationship

The countless heartaches from the past turned me into a different person. From a person who easily falls and go head over heels, hopelessly in love, I became a practical lover. I don't see magic anymore in people's actions, just intentions. Everyday, I pray for somebody who can bring back that grand feeling. However, the men I met so far made me think that the chance of getting a good guy is really, realy slim. *sigh* oh well, there's always women... =) hahaha

3. Network

Make more friends and affiliates. Helps me cure this useless shyness.

Things to get rid of

1. Selfishness

I am bad at this. I don't want to elaborate more because I don't want the horrible feeling to linger, but I do admit doing things for my own benefit. At the expense of others. They're just little things but I'm afraid that if I don't get rid of my selfishness, it might become a habit or a bad excuse.

2. Clutters

Throw away things that I continue to hold on to for no valid reason. Like ill feelings towards certain people, give away stuff in my drawers that are of little use to me, but are important to others. Yes, I am decluttering my life.

From the Bottom of my Quads

From the Bottom of my Quads

I read several fitness articles emphasizing the importance of lunges and squats as part of a workout routine. I did squats when I was in basic, and went back to it during my first few weeks here in Iraq. However, I stopped doing it because I got into these biceps and abs obsession so I worked those muscles religiously. My self-developed routine helped me to build not just some muscle mass on those areas, but also strong core muscles. And with strong core muscles, my running also improved a lot. I forgot to mention this here on my blog (because I haven't been able to update in a long while) but on our October 2009 record APFT, I got a 295 score.

Anyway, back to lunges and squats, the other day, I started doing them again because, like I said, fitness experts agree that properly executed lunges and squats should be part of a real fitness enthusiasts workout plan. I was fine after doing 3 sets of 15 reps for both exercises, and 3 sets of 20 push ups. However, the next day I got up from bed, I felt a really bad soreness on my quads that turns into pain whenever I bend my knees. So today I went to the gym and just stared at the treadmill with a sad face. I can't even walk normal because of the discomfort! From what I read, this indicates weak quadricep muscles. So, this only means I have to do more of these exercises even if they are the source of the pain. Realization struck: pain builds tolerance and tolerance to pain strenghtens.

From a point of view of a pessimist, this is just a form of getting used to suffering. For them, it is our body that suffers so much that it chose to go numb. If this is true, then why do we develop muscles? Why do we improve on our sports when in fact, numbness is just not feeling anything, it doesn't speed up your runs nor does it help you go from 5k-er to a marathoner? Moreover, numbness is temporary. Once it goes away, you are left weaker and more susceptible to graver pain. Some people get too traumatized by previous pains or become too apprehensive of pain that they choose to hide under a rock and refuse to do again whatever caused pain in the past. In short, they stop living, not knowing that next time will feel better.

However, rest is still necessary. Some hardcore fitness nuts see pain as a weakness and their ego won't allow them to admit that they are indeed susceptible to it. They pretend being invincible and refuse to let pain dictate what they can or can't do once pain sets in. These people also see rest as a way of procrastinating and a sorry excuse for diminishing motivation. Go ahead, high-speed, let's see who will be having frequent visits to doctors for back problems by the time they're 30. Rest is not a lazy day, it is a reward for your body for not failing you on those days it worked hard the way you wanted it to.

These also apply to love after a heartbreak. Love more and love right amidst the pain caused by dishonesty and rejection. Love even if hurts a lot because pain will arm you with everything you have to know about love -  its truths and illusions, and teach you how to separate one from the other. Failing at love is a learning experience, only it's your choice if you want to apply what you learned or refuse to acknowledge its purpose. However, don't forget to give yourself a break, too, if needed. Againlet pain be your guide at this. Perfect timing is an essential factor to almost everything, and falling in love is no exception.

Right now, I am walking with a limp but is thinking of a good date to start my everyday 5k runs again. There will be 3 sets of 15 reps of lunges and squats on top of that run, only next time, it won't hurt as much I am hurting now. I heard my body just said "Ooh! I'm excited!!"

Dear Philstar Celebrity Run 2009 Organizers

I viewed the 10k results for female runners, and I was disappointed. Obviously, you didn't know how to keep track of your runners and their correct times. 9th place should have been mine.

At least I get to contribute to a good cause, that's all that matters. =)

Next up, 13.1 miles on February 27 in Camp Taji, Iraq... something to erase a bad memory, I guess. Hehe.

Goodbye, 2009. Welcome 2010

Dear 2009,

I will be one of the billions of thankful people you've been nice to in the past 365 days. Thank you for all the time you gave me to be productive and improve myself. The people I met and the relationships that has been well kept. The many wonderful opportunities you thought I deserved that made me recognize my capabilities. That recent vacation to see old friends and families. I want you to know that the only thing I regret about this year were those times I whined and complained about where I was and where my decisions brought me, because all of it turned out to be blessings that taught me valuable lessons about life. For damages I caused, to people's feelings or properties, I ask for forgiveness. I never wanted to hurt anyone but my selfishness gets the best of me sometimes, but trust me, I am always trying to avoid that.

Again, thank you.

Dear 2010,

Whether it is disappointments or surprises that you have in store for me, I pray that they only make me stronger or I learn something from them. I hope I will be able to handle the disappointments and not let the surprises overwhelm too much that I change into an obnoxious person. Help me plan out my future just like how a mature adult would do it, but not to the point that I forget to enjoy my youth and regret it later. I think that's my goal, not to have regrets by the end of this year. With regrets, I have to blame something or somebody when in reality I have the power to fix what is broken or just accept things as they are. This turns into bitterness then unhappiness. And I want to be happy.

Thank you for another 365 days to find ways to real happiness. I'm ready.

Oh this is SO mushy..

Dear God,

For a change, for Christmas I am not going to ask anything from you. There is nothing left to ask for because you already gave me everything I could ever want. I am so grateful because you even gave me things that I never thought I would want or will ever deserve. Forget about me, it is your wish that needs to come true this time.

Advance happy birthday... or if this Christmas is just human fiction, I hope we make you feel as if it's your birthday. Again, thanks!

Racquel

Wordless Wednesday #2

Wordless Wednesday #1

Starting today, every wednesday will be Wordless Wednesday! It is supposed to be wordless but this entry is an exception since I do need to explain what's going on here before I get confuse myself on my next visit!! Haha! Enjoy!

I M U

Give me a word to start writing with to get rid of this junk in my heart. They say writing is a release, however I have been writing about this for almost three years now. Relief is still out of sight. 

After that bad heartache, I promised myself I won't let myself turn into someone like you. I said NO to every opportunity to play games with and be inconsiderate of other people's hearts. Thanks to you, I improved myself a lot and is now wielding that power to make people fall, too. I don't blame you, all these attention are really enjoyable. I think all of it I showered you before are coming back in hundred folds. These feet must stay on the ground, though. I really don't want to be like you. I don't want anybody to hurt the same way I did.

The more attention I get, the more I understand you. I often catch myself now justifying your previous actions. Maybe it is really OK to take it easy if we're still young. Youth, anyway, is short-lived and excusable. Making promises you are not sure you can fulfill is part of improving one's decision-making skills. You might not be able to, the important thing is, you already know what the consequences will be. Like, a person won't be able to trust you again.

Maybe you're all grown up now, making good decisions. You've always been capable of that, it is just so hard to resist all the attention. I have forgiven you a long time ago, but I am still bleeding, I just want you to know.

I think I am about to break a promise to myself. 

Buy U A Gavel

Buy U A Gavel

Greeting people everywhere with the same friendly face
Shake their hands with warmth in exchange for a favor
Behind their backs you are a man behind a stand
Ready to bestow a verdict for failure to comply with laws
Shaped and distorted by your infinite wisdom

Wear your robe your honor, let me buy you a gavel
Punish these little people you look down upon
With the power conferred by knowledge you acquired over time
Education not enough to teach you how to look at a mirror
Banish us fools to hell, to suffer unremitting hatred towards you

After you stab us with sharp edged rapier and push us to the edge
Do not expect us to look at you and delusional expertise with respect
The day you hang your suit is a call for celebration
From thereon we will denounce the name once was root of our pains
But for now, let me buy you a gavel
Enjoy the beginnings of a trivial downfall…

RB 17oct20009

A View After the Storm

Thank You. These are the words that I keep saying to myself. I don't know who to address it to and I don't know if I should. My family and friends in Manila are safe after that devastating storm. Some weren't as fortunate. According to the last news article I read, typhoon Ondoy (Ketsana) left 300 people dead and thousands of people without shelter and food. I really feel bad about this, the fact that I only come to realize how lucky I am after seeing other people in bad situations. I feel bad knowing that people lost their homes, or worse, a loved one through a natural disaster. However, at the same time, I am happy and thankful because the people I care for have been spared.

 

From the outside, I watch how this event unfolds. The end of a calamity is the beginning of a blaming game. Whose fault is it? Somebody from Facebook said it was caused by sinners who deserve to be punished thru Mother Nature. Of course, this crude and insensitive remark has been castigated by the nationalistic pride of the majority of Filipinos. I mean come on, you got to have a black, black heart to even think about that! But hey, I think it was her way of being grateful, she just had to point out that it takes a pure soul like her to be saved. After receiving thousands of threats and rebukes, she released a statement saying her Facebook account was hacked and she would never ever say something as derogatory as what the alleged hacker has posted. Remember, she is not a sinner so she would never ever do something like that. So, dear hacker, I need you to hack into her account again and apologize to us!

 

So, whose fault? One engineer said it was caused by an old-age architectural mistake that nobody dared to fix. He said none of the previous administration even tried to do something about this mistake that was a disaster waiting to happen. So, present administration, are you going to do something about this or are you just going to pass this on to the next? Dear next administration, same question. As an ignoramus to the world of engineering stuff, I hereby end this paragraph about engineering stuff. Let us move on to the next candidate for the blame game.

 

The people. Actually, I applaud the infamous unknown Facebook hacker for her/his offensive comment because it was obviously based on observation. The problem is, he/she presented it in an unacceptable way, like a thesis paper hand-jammed on a used toilet paper (by used, I mean with trace of fecal matter) IT was that ugly. I am not trying to defend anybody here, but I think she is trying to say that the event was triggered by human's failure to comply with Mother Nature's rules. It is not my job to preach about sanitary, proper garbage disposal, or efforts to clean up after ourselves but we must admit that somehow we contributed to the weakening of nature's auto-immune system. Nature has its own way of protecting us and itself from the hazards of natural calamities but it was too weak to function properly, because we failed to take care of it. (Note: Author is a medic) Little, good changes can help, that's all I can say.

 

Politics? I heard howlings from the back of my mind. They keep saying that word. Honestly, I don't think we should put blame on our politicianss anymore. I lost faith in the government's ability to prevent something like this from happening a long time ago. Resources are just too scarce. By resources I mean a.) human resources - our government is being run by clever minds. And how do I define clever? For me a clever mind is a mind capable of producing bright ideas but only if it is stimulated by promises of self-serving rewards. b) financial resources - even if somebody comes up with a good idea for a project, most of the time we do not have sufficient funds for it. Sometimes I do think we have it but I see no proof to support my assumption. In addition to lack of resources, long exposure to poverty leads to corruption of morals. Again, I hate preaching so I will keep this short. Think about this: Do you want your children's life to be a continuation of your own? Having too much of power and money can also lead to poor morals. Knowing that there is somebody out who there is willing to sell his principles, soul and all to be able to obtain a little of what you have can make you play the role of a master -- a temptation that only a few successfully were able to resist.

See, our fingers can point to different directions but really, the goal of finding out who the real culprit is to make us feel better. You can contend that the goal is so that we can make the necessary reforms. For me, the necessary changes should begin right inside our own homes. Instead of finding faults, we should stay positive amidst the many negative forces that make us believe that life is a jungle fill with vicious animals, and drive us to become one, too.

For one moment, be thankful. Yes, there was a calamity which lasted for about a week. How about you? When will your inner storm's going to end? 

Side note: 

Thanks to the men and women who contributed money, goods, and time to various relief drives.

To those who block relief goods convoys, resell received items, steal from other people, etc... You are one reason why the boat is sinking. Yes, you are poor, but what you do doesn't make me want to help you.

615th Poster

Project: 615th Medics and Docs 
Edited with Photoshop CS3, original

Stop the (Love) Madness!

It was a long hiatus, I know. The 12-hour long shift at the clinic kind of messed up the productivity level. For how long I am going to blame everything on the 12-hours work each day, I do not know. All I know is that I must do something else other than the usual routines. The work-chu, chu-work (working out and chowing DFAC food in between) is not healthy.

Don't get me wrong, I do have movies, photoshop, art set, and PSP here in my room but the creative juices have dried up. I need a source of inspiration. I realized that my old posts were inspired by strong emotions -- of frustrations, sadness, elation -- and they were written despite of barriers. I spent money, energy, and sacrificed a lot of things to have them published (rented a PC even at that time when funds are low, skipped classes, set aside important things) to have my thoughts put down on an electronic sheet of paper. I was burdened by emotions I do not like, but the ideas for the perfect words to describe what I feel, perfect colors to put on a canvas were overflowing. Where have they all gone? Did they lay dormant or did they disappear for good?

Love, love, love. That is what everything is all about. This blog seems like a journal made for romantic encounters. Every encounter turns into a heartache in the end but the excitement I felt got my mind, heart, and hands racing all at the same time! I have drawn possibilities in my mind and although they did not materialize, they gave me false hope that fed my creativity.There is so much to tell about things we feel but couldn't explain. The fun wasn't in figuring out why I was doing it but in why I couldn't stop. Call it the Love Madness.

Now, I am sane. I am stuck with a kind of maturity as society defines it. There is no more chasing for the perfect words or colors because growing old required me to prioritize stuff that they deem more important. I have stopped admiring people in an unhealthy way like I did before. No more pointless hurting, no more looking up at people as if they are Earth's gods. Oh I was successful in eliminating the love madness in my life! I am a certified well-rounded adult.

Relapse. I am waiting for a relapse. My heart is praying for it. I am going for it because I want to feel alive again.

Graveyard Shift and Seven Dust

It has been months since I last posted a blog entry here. Good thing the people in my unit likes me and gave me staff duty at the TOC from 10pm til 3am. The job's really easy, I just have to stay awake and answer phones (yes, there are about 8 different phones to answer and yes, I am alone). So far I had 3 phones calls and the last one was two hours ago. I am so bored that I decided to write something, though I don't really have anything interesting in mind to share. Wait, I do have interesting stories to share, I am just being lazy. But hey, I got this much time so might as well write, here it goes.

After dinner, we passed by Green Beans Coffeeshop to buy my battle buddy Gonzales and I caffeinated beverages that might help us fight off the urge to count sheeps while on duty. The shop is located beside Camp Buehring stage, which was surprisingly packed with people holding cameras. On some days we do let some talentless people get on that stage and try to entertain us but usually the people's response doesn't get to that point where they whip out their camera and take pictures. Upon noticing the peculiar scene, Sgt. Jennings and I decided to hold off the coffeeshop visit and ask what's going on.

"Seven Dust? For real, for real?" That was Sgt. Jennings' reply when the dude I asked told her who's playing tonight. My sergeant's eyes got bigger and said "We should stay!" So Seven Dust is a big band then, I said to myself while feeling a little ashamed for my ignorance. Look, I am not a fan of heavy rock, and I haven't listened to the radio in the last four weeks. Give me a break.

There was a dilemma though. I wanted to stay and enjoy the free show but Gonzales and I were supposed to share the burden of manning the TOC from 5pm to 3am. Since I know the army ethos and believe that mission should always come first, we decided to limit our stay to two songs and went back to the TOC. When we got there, Sgt. Jennings looked for somebody else to go with her back to the concert venue. However, the person she asked wasn't a fan of rock music at all. It was Sgt. Hines and he is smart enough to offer a solution to the problem: one of the on duty soldiers can go and one must stay. Gonzales showed no interest in going and moreover, she was waiting for her husband to come over and stay with us at the TOC. I thanked Gonzales like there was no tomorrow. I only stopped when I realized I paid for our coffee.

Awesome performance. I'm not big rock music fan but I enjoyed the Seven Dust's concert. Well, I've always enjoyed live music because of the energy emanating both from the performers and the audience. The people (AKA mosh pit) were jumping up and down while one hand raised holding the "rock on!" sign. Sgt. Jennings wanted to do the same thing but couldn't because of the M16 on her back and the soft/fragile peaches in her pocket. As soon as the show ended, everybody hurried up to fall in line for the autograph signing. We got the chance to shake the band members' hands and talk to them like distant relatives; like we know each other but we really don't, though we want to only to a certain point. When it was my turn to meet and greet Seven Dust's amazing five, I was so starstruck I forgot about the poster they needed to sign. Good thing Vince, the bassist, asked if I wanted the first dude I shook hands with to sign, too. I totally forgot I was there for an autograph signing! Haha!

After the unforgettable encounter, we got in line for the photo op. However, I only have 30 minutes til my shift so we decided to head back to the TOC to relieve Gonzales. I was a little upset I had to leave and miss the opportunity to hang out and take pictures with these cool guys, but like I said, mission first. At least I got this really cool, signed Seven Dust poster!

To Seven Dust, we appreciate your efforts in coming here to entertain us and making us feel that somebody appreciates what we do. Rock on!

Mga Sulat Pt 1

1231

Tinignan ko ang mga larawan. Nagbalik tanaw sa nakaraan.
Anuman itong aking naramdaman, ang ilang taon ay parang kahapon lang.

Wala na ang sugat ngunit nasa alaala ang kirot
Patuloy na nagtatanong kahit wala na ang may hawak ng sagot.

Hindi naman talaga ikaw ang dahilan ng sakit
Ang hirap lang talaga tanggapin na madali akong saktan at limutin

===

1206

Salamat sa walang sawang pagmamahal. Wala kang katulad. Ang dami dami dami kong gustong sabihin tungkol sa iyo pero hindi ko pa rin mahanap ang pinakatamang salitang pang-abay na tutukoy kung ano ka at ano ka para sa akin. Ganito na lang, angkinin mo ang pinakamagandang mahahanap mo at bibigyan na lang kita ng karapatan. You've earned it.

===

0928

Salamat sa pagiging inspirasyon. Ano mang landas ang iyong tahakin, ano mang lugar ang tinatanging patunguhan, sino man ang iyong isama sa iyong paglalakbay, at iwan ka man nya, hinding hindi ka mag-iisa. Marami kaming nagmamahal sa iyo.

Sexy Ako!

Being sexy should never be one's goal, because sexiness is a reward. And when I say sexy here, I'm not only referring to the hourglass-shaped body together with the essential BBs (booty and breasts). For me, even a woman weighing 200 lbs can still be sexy if she can brighten people's day with her bubbly personality. Have you noticed, however mean you think you are, you can't make fun or ridicule people who make you happy no matter what they look like?

A wife can still think her husband is sexy even after he burns half of his face and looks hideous to everybody. Why? Because the wife knows that he is a good man, and this good man do stuff that are sexy in her eyes.

I remember, when I was in high school, I had this Science teacher who is overweight. She was nice, and taught us all these boring biology terms that nobody ever want to remember with a dash of humor. Also, she dressed cute or classy -- always an interesting outfit, never one of those old and boring clothing that screams "HELLOWW!! I AM A TEACHER!!!" One day, my friend Blanche and I were on the phone talking about our teachers and that particular teacher's name came up.

Blanche: Si Ma'am L**** ang taba-taba pero ang sexy no?
Me: OO nga napansin ko din un, siguro kasi lagi syang naka-smile...
Blanche: Lagi na nga rin ako mag-iismayl....

See? If there's something good about you that nobody can explain, all they know is that it's good and they like it, that's being sexy. So before you decide to hit the gym and deprive yourself with food you think that might make you fat, you shouldn't be there just because you want to be called "hot" or "sexy". There should be a real goal, like "to be healthy" or "to build confidence" because if you did lose the weight, you achieved your goal, and you will stop there. Sooner or later, you will be unhappy about it. It's either you will try to lose more weight because you want to be as skinny as the supermodels you watch on TV or you will gain back the pounds because you don't even know what you did it for.

However, if you work out because you want to be healthy, you will feel healthy afterwards. There will be more energy to do the things you love. And having an overflowing spirit and vigor towards life is sexy. If you did gain confidence because you successfully shed some pounds, you will trust yourself to wear that skirt you would never wear during that point in your life you had low self-esteem. Believing that you will be accepted for the choices and decisions you made for yourself is sexy. Sexiness is your reward for having a real goal in life.

As for me, I spend two hours in the gym everyday and is trying to eat right (no fried food!) because I want to pass my PT test and run faster because I love running (proof: I have 8 pairs of running shoes) Next thing you know, the clothes I thought I could never wear start to look good on me. Then these compliments about looking great. (Note: still overwight, though. 155 lbs)

Do something good for others and for yourself, and you will be rewarded, sexy.

About the Title: I have this college friend who is kinda overweight. She asked me one time to make a layout for her friendster profile, so she gave me the username and password for her account. The password was: SexyAko

Pain, Pain, Go Away!

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

Don't make me whole, just don't make me look back anymore. There is no way you can put back the pieces together, leave them there. They serve as a reminder that in falling in love I should leave some love for myself, too, that way I will have the strength to pull myself together once somebody torn me apart. Not like when you left, the only thing I was able to do is try to fight the tears from falling, which was unsuccessful.

Maybe I expected too much from love, or maybe I blindly insisted that it was love. I mistook your actions and promises as signs of a love that needs to reciprocated. I thought it was a give and take relationship so I gave generously, not knowing that you only intended to give for a short time, and not even interested in what I have to offer. I'm tired of saying sorry for not being the ideal partner, but I guess it's true, I am not an ideal partner. I really wish I can be perfect, but then again I realized one of the reasons I love you is because you accepted me the way I am.

This is not written out of desperation to welcome me back to your life. In fact, that thought scares the hell out of me because I sure do not want to go back to those nights I had to cry myself to sleep only to wake up crying again because in my dreams you were running away, and I keep running after you, me begging you to stop and you not giving a damn. The fake smile I had to wear to show my friends that I am over you, which they find hard to believe because the eyes are not good in hiding emotions. I don't want to go back to those days I felt so little, incompetent, and unattractive.

I am not asking you to say sorry, either. I am done blaming one of us for a love that wasn't meant to be. I realized we don't even know each other that well to be in love. However, unlike you, I really loved you, though. The purpose of this writing is to remind myself that even my heart was broken, I don't have to be totally OK to be able to love again. I just need to avoid looking back at the old pains that you brought, because each time I do, I'm getting the urge to run away and jump in my shell again to be safe. I need to move forward with a broken heart and ask somebody to help me glue the pieces back together instead.

I chose not to suffer.

U-TURN

Euphoric, that's how it feels when I do it with you. My brain doesn't instruct my body to respond, it just automatically moves in rhythm, like there's music and only my soul can hear it. With you, that part of my brain that rationalizes stop functioning. Suddenly I am not afraid of consequences because there is none if it doesn't feel wrong. It is supposed to feel this way - it must be right if it feels right.

After our sweet encounters, there are no regrets or guilt to deal with, only excitement for the possibility of another rendezvous taking place. With the other, it feels like a duty - it is only enjoyable because I am fulfilling my job. Pretensions - they never fail to leave a bad taste in my mouth. Ours could be another kind of mistake, but it tastes like sugar and the sweetness lingers until the other rubs it off again. Once I'm done with the other I end up feeling empty, and sorry for myself because I can't stomach the normal and natural, while in my head with you the oddness is a gift. Questions pile up, questions that when I try to answer only point me in one direction... to where you are.

Sometimes, running in a one way street is pointless if the road leads you to a place where you never intended to go. I'm making a U-TURN.

Are You A Sim, Too?

I feel like a "The Sims" character, the one who waves her hand at the player and sobs because her relationships level is really low. I used to play that game when I was still in Makati, when I was trying to avoid people who have endless life dramas or situations that might end up in endless life dramas. Anyway, back then, I thought my Sim was over-reacting, that it is not too bad living all alone in a big house, especially if it is stocked with all the highest-value items and appliances available thanks to [Ctrl] + [Shift] + C and enter "klapaucius;:. I mean, come on, I bought all these so as to keep yourself busy and not think about things that you don't really need... like relationships! But there she is, stopping in the middle of a video game to wave at me and sob, with a speech bubble with a picture of another sim on top of her head.

So i did let her call that guy, and invite him over at the house I built (for 3 hours.. haha!). It was fun, but I didn't like how all the interactions would eat up all the time. Next thing you know, she's out of energy, hungry, sleepy, and should be ready for work in two hours. I can still picture myself rolling my eyes and shaking my head while saying to myself "man, my Sim is stupid, there are more important things in life than romantic relationships". I would even laugh at my sim at times she peed on herself or fell asleep in a middle of a conversation because she preferred to talk to some guy than take care of herself.

Now, if my Sim can just walk from Makati to Fort Hood, maybe she will knock hard on my door, bit*ch-slap me on the face, and let out a mocking laugh because she had proven me wrong. She made me realize that being in a relationship is actually part of taking care of one's self. However, I would bit*ch-slap her back and tell her how it is harder for me because I am an actual human. Nobody will care if I wave my hand and sob just because my life levels are low. Nobody would click on the refrigerator so I can go there and start making a meal for myself... well, actually, I don't need anybody for that, my level is always high on that specific area. Haha! Anyway, yeah, during those times that I had to stop in the middle of what I was doing because I suddenly felt so lonely, with an imaginary speech bubble popping out with a picture of a particular person in it, there was nothing I can do!

Taking a deep breathe, listening to old and new music, and emptying bottles of strawberry daiquiri or bud's light help to keep the pain at bay. But as soon as their effects subside, I am back to the reality that there is missing in my life and that I need to do something with it. It's funny how I became the character that I used to play, only this time, there are no available cheats I can use.

While Track 56 Was Playing

Next month, she'll be moving to another place, and only God knows how long she is going to stay there. It is going to be the same, normal. And by normal, it means cold and lonely until something actually exciting happens at work. Her job pays little, but it brings surprises, though she prays for another patch to stick on her uniform's Velcro because that means additional fund for her penchant for foreign cuisine and online shopping.

Right now, she is consuming her eighth cup of coffee for the day while looking through the window to watch the December snow fall and kiss the ground. It is white and peaceful in the New Jersey suburb where she is staying now, but they are not enough to calm her troubled soul. Inner panic, that is how she would describe it. Something is about to happen. Or, something might have already happened.

After she managed to figure out what was bothering her, a smile appeared on her face. The bitter kind. She placed the empty cup on the nearby table, not even knowing why she did and what to do next. See, an answer triggers another question.

Why can't I just forget about you? When I know you have already forgotten about me... about us...? If it felt so right being together, then why do we have to part? Why does this distance enough reason for you to stop loving me? Why can't I just love another, somebody who's physical nearness can bring warmth in my cold world? If we do stay in love, and meet again, are we going to recognize each other, as if nothing has changed or will we feel as if we're strangers trying, forcing to revive something that died a long time ago?

Being miles away from the people she love so dearly is killing her little by little, like a living thing trying to survive without the sun. She buried her face on the cold palms of the hands that are longing to clasp with her lover's. Next month, instead of the hand of her heart's desire, it is the loaded m16 that she will be holding.

She stood up and grabbed the empty cup that left circle stains on the table. Ninth shot of caffeine coming up.

STX Week

11.17.08 Monday -- Admin day. Went to travel office to purchase my plane ticket to New Jersey. For 14 days, starting Dec. 11, I will be doing hometown recruiting for the Army. I hope I get people to sign up because one person equals to an additional $2,000 on my paycheck. Hehe. After a short break, I need to be back in Texas by Jan. 4 because I was stationed at Fort Hood, Austin. According to my order, I'm assigned to work with the 1st Aviation unit... whatever that is. hahaha! Oo na lang ako ng oo.

11.18.08 Tuesday -- BAS day. BAS stands for Battalion Aid Station and it is one of the 5 lanes that we need to go through during the STX week (Situational Training Exercise). Here, we were taught how to set up a battalion aid station on the field. First, the big tent then the medical materials necessary and how should we arrange them in our tent. Moreover, we also learned where the triage and evacuation points should be located. I was appointed as platoon leader. How I got that position? Well, prior going to the field, we had a short briefing and the sergents in charge asked who were the most quiet people in the class. They pointed out 2 particular people and I was one of them. The other person became Platoon Sergeant. I thought I'm going to get yelled at a lot because of that but it was actually a blessing in disguise because all I did was fill out medical field cards and watch other people run around carrying litters and poking each other's arms with needles.

11.19.08 Wednesday -- Blood Labs day. This, for me, is the best part of STX. On this lane, we have to deal with two different scenarios wherein there were mass casualties: one is we have to enter a building bombed by terrorists and the other is a marketplace in Iraq where there are civilians and military men injured after a suicide bomber killed himself there. The rooms we went into were made to look like our scenarios, only this time, we had to treat dummies connected to a computer. These dummies can breathe (there is rise and fall of the chest), bleed (yes, there is fake blood coming out of their injured parts), and perfuse (there is pulse on the femoral, carotid, and radial arteries). I had two patients, well, uhh, make that three. One was a burn patient, who, by the way, didn't get any treatment from me because he was a burn patient. We don't treat burn patients right away, we just transport them. My second patients were a mother and child. The mother has an amputated arm while the child has a head wound and burns. I treated the mother first. Just right after I finished bandaging the decapitated arm, the bell rang sounded off signaling the end of our mission. I felt horrible for not being able to save the baby!! However, during the counseling, the sergeant in-charge told us that the baby was already dead anyway but he said I should not leave the dead baby there because the mother might refuse treatment once she sees her child like that. Another thing, I should ALWAYS ask the husband, sheik, or any male in the house for permission before I touch any woman in the family... yes, even if she's dying. Even if I saved that woman, she will be stoned to death anyway because her family will consider her unclean. Hey! That's why we don gloves!!

11.20.08 Thursday -- MOUT training (Military Operations in Urban Terrain). This lane includes the techniques of clearing houses or buildings, moving and treating casualties, and rescuing hostages. I was an infantry soldier and I had to pull security at all times. My team leader ordered me to bring the civilians out of the building. When I got out of the house, the sergeant was standing right there and yelled saying that I just got captured by the enemies because I was alone outside, without a battle buddy. Oh yeah, we have this thing called battle buddy system. It simply means we always got to have a same gender companion at all times wherever we go. Anyway, it was fun but not as fun as blood labs. hehe..

11.21.08 Friday -- Combatives Tournament and Patrol day. I joined the combatives tournament because they needed 4 females and 8 males from each platoon and no female wanted to volunteer to join!! My opponent was Lee from 4th ID. We are friends but when we were fighting, it we were feisty! It was a long and tiring. I won, but I swung my right arm the wrong way in my attempt to get out of her grip. Next fight is on monday and it will be against Allsman. I love Allsman!! I don't want to hurt her! Hahaha! But, yeah, I have to kick her ass.

Patrol lane: This lane sucks. We ran for 2 miles on a rocky and steep terrain, crossed a creek, got wet, and ran again for 2 miles, this time carrying casualties back to the BAS... all these with our M16 in our hands! It could've been easier for us if only we weren't also wearing those damn IBA vests! IBA stands for Interceptor Body Armor and its like our version of the bulletproof vest. It weighs 30 lbs. It was exhausting but we did good because we were the fastest team to get back. The time to beat 11 minutes and 33 seconds, we got back in 10 min and 15 sec. However, it wasn't entirely a good day because I picked a fight with the tallest female in our platoon. Yes, I said fu*k you to her and called her stupid and a bitch. She went off and almost attacked me, but the people around us got in the way. All because she said that I am short and couldn't help her carry the litter well. I call her stupid because she didn't realize that it's actually her fault because when she was holding her litter high on the one side, all the weight slides down on my side, making it hard for me to lift up the litter higher. Usually it takes a lot to piss me off but making me feel as if I'm not helping the team will really tick me off, because I swear, after that, my arms were hurting. Actually, they are still hurting as I type this entry.

Thank God for weekends. Today, I just pigged-out and downloaded stuff from the net. Oh but look, my name's on the fireguard list for the 3am to 5am shift! Oh well, embrace the suck...