Case File Labo-Labo

The Case of the Wounded Pride

Last night, I lost my soul. It was taken away by a God-like, pretending to be God, entity who seeks to eliminate people with perverted minds. She brought my soul to the court of justice, to punish me for the crimes she described as "contemptible". The judge asked the plaintiff, "Can you describe to me the nature of the crime committed?"

"A disgraceful deed your Honor! A deplorable act that degraded my worth as as person!" Said the woman who, I noticed, seems to be a descendant of Aprhodite as she carries the same endearing features -- beauty, charm, and intelligence. Unfortunately, these characteristics were deemed good-for-nothing as they caused the most destructible and bloodstained era in Greek Mythology -- the Trojan War.

"The exact nature, my dear. Recount to us every detail of the grave misfortune you have suffered in the hands of this wicked creature." The judge stared at me with the look that says "you and deadly crocodiles... together in a cage!"

However, amid the frightening facial expression of the lady judge, I felt that justice is being served regularly in her court. The streaks of silver gray hair were like flowers in full bloom, growing healthy on top of a rich, well-nourished soil. Although she tried to hush them by using a coloring formula, the pigmentless tresses scream of old age and wisdom.

"Persecute her soul, your Honor, give her the heaviest penalty imposed here! Burn her! If that would not be possible, give me the chance to strangle her to death!" There is fire, anger in my accuser's eyes.

"Permission granted if you can convince me of her guilt by presenting me the facts, not your emotions. I don't have another minute to waste, if you can't tell me what happened then I can grant this soul liberty and..."

"She hurt me, your Honor! I'm bleeding to death!"

Suddenly, whispers commenced. and "Innocent, innocence, not guilty..." were the words circulating around the packed court room. Can't blame them, though, the lady who claimed to be damaged by my actions is in perfect shape.

"Appellant, do you happen to know your crime? Only the truth please, as my ears are swollen hearing indictment demands without evidences of culpability."

"I really don't know, but I have an idea"

"What is it then?"

"I hurt her."

The repeated, angry sound of the gavel echoed around the room. As the judge takes off her robe, the witnesses to my trial head to the exit doors.

I am free to go... unless you tell me what it is I have done wrong, between the two of us, I can't be the prisoner.

Sole Solace

People move on or out. They have gone to places -- varied and countless. While many have claimed that we're living in such a small shell, that one may get lost but not for too long, I guess some souls can only get to meet once. And that moment, no matter how wonderful it is, can only last for what it really is -- a moment. Brief yet marks heavily on our minds.

That was my only consolation; whether you like it or not, you'll think of me... and you will remember.

Filipino Millionaire Parks His Ferrari in NY

A Filipino walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to the Philippines on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Filipino hands over the keys of a new Ferrari.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Filipino produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Pinoy for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Pinoy returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away,we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Pinoy replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

-- ASTEEEEGG!

(stolen goods from Disenyo)

A Series of Anonymous Apologies

Call this Part 1

Sorry, Words...
Be careful with words, they will reveal who you really are. Resist the urge to express yourself at the height of a negative emotion, like anger or jealousy. It is a given right, I know, but that way, you can be sure that the pain you feel is not self-inflicted. It was caused by inconsiderate, immature people. Remember this, you don't really hate them. You are just disappointed. Breathe. Forgive and move on. That's what another day is for... 

Lazy Bloggers Do This...

...post a quote. hehe:

Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like.

~ Will Rogers

News Update

There Will Be Paris in Rwanda

After immersing herself in deep thoughts, she finally realized that all those partying and non-pantying make her feel empty inside. (Aww..) That's why Paris, the hot Hilton heiress, is about to go backpacking to hit war-torn, poverty-ridden Rwanda. Hopefully, creating a sex video with a native is not her idea of a charitable work.

Joe Torre Says NO to New Contract Offer

Yankees fan will surely yak as former New York Yankee manager shook his head as sign of rejection to the new contract served before him by the team's big bosses. This time, he plans of running home instead of making home runs.

Birth Control Pills: A Maine School's Gift to 11-year Olds

Due to the alarming increase of young women engaging in sexual activities and getting pregnant, a school in Portland, Maine formulated a new health awareness program which allows students as young as eleven to grab their fair share of state-sponsored free prescription birth control pills. It has to be noted that the same school is also giving out condoms for free, a policy implemented back in 2000. Requests for the male organ shrouds are expected to skyrocket this year forward. Manufacturers of these contraceptives pledged a donation -- a bed in every classroom.

Death to Internet Explorer

Each time I try to close an extra browser window, I get an annoying pop-up saying that Internet Explorer has stopped working.. blah, blah, blah, closing my current window and opening a new one, which unfortunately, does not have the UNSAVED documents I was working with.

Having enough of this Microsoft-made, unreliable, flaw-ridden, yet PROPRIETARY product, I went to Mozilla's homepage and tried to download Firefox. The purpose was only to have an alternative in case I needed to work on projects which couldn't afford an instant online vanishing. There was no thought of totally getting rid of IE, because I am on Windows Vista and these two programs work together best as both products were deveoped by the same company. Moreover, IE's market share of 77.86% (as of Sept. 2007) is still an impressive figure (newsflash: new age martyrdom / technological masochism on the rise!)

However, I became an absolute Internet Explorer Momus when it won't allow me to download Firefox! Well, I'm not talking about receiving an order from Bill Gates or any of his cohorts commanding me to nevigate away from Firefox's download page. What I get is that irritating pop-up message "Internet Explorer has stopped working... blah, blah, blah.." The crash only happens to Firefox as I could download all the MP3s, and other files from different web sources without a glitch.

Maybe the problem is in Firefox, right? Hell no. You see, web users, ordinary and experts alike, are raving about these other two available web browsers: Avant and Opera. Since I am a My Opera blog proud owner, I left Mozilla's pae and hurriedly visited Opera's. Y'know what? I get the same unpleasant result. Internet Explorer has stopped working... again. OK, let's just move on. I hopped on to Avant's website and clicked the Download button. And... yes, you guessed it right -- same damn alert.

I do this everytime I go online. Up to now, luck is out of sight.

It felt like being married to a worthless man.

Call me doomed.

bored, read.

Choose to be thankful...

Each and every day is filled with opportunities to be thankful. You can be thankful for your talents, your friends and family, your job and your personal opportunities for improvement. Challenge yourself to display how thankful you are for the things that are around you, the things that you know, and the things that happen because of you.

-- Atlanticare Journal

I've been itching to post an entry about emotions but I thought that would definitely ruin my entire October. Celebrating my birthday with only two people close to me around is hard enough, so I guess a non-fiction heartbreak story could wait to be published. Maybe the coldness and unfamiliarity of the place could help nurse the aching heart; numb it until it learns how to forget. Bitterness, bitterness, here you go again. I said I will just be thankful that it happened, although it was vehemently denied. How can you be grateful for an occurrence which transpired only in your mind? Thank the person for the illusion.

Thank You.

A Quick Fix

I'm here. =) After 24++ hours of flying, we finally reached our new home in NJ. Got sick so my bro and mom shopped without me. I swear it was those bland airline food's fault that I ended up with no shopping bag on my hand. Fish fillet with parsley sauce? The name's the only part which was enticing. Once you had a taste of it, you'll wish you should've packed your adobo leftovers instead.

We're okay. I'm doing fine. But still, no place is better than where my friends and loved ones are. I miss all of you.

This is My World...

If my memory serves me right, the reason I signed up to a Multiply account was because I needed a platform for self-expression. It was never about attracting attention or making people agree with what I believe in. Not everything I say is right, but that wasn't enough license for arrogant boors to come here and pester me with their inane theatrics. This is my world, and my guess is, I'm allowed to discuss topics here which I deem important, no holds barred. However, I felt obliged to keep my composure amidst every antagonistic statement made against me because people expect me to always do the right thing. So, I will continue to ignore some people's shameless display of childishness and stupidity on this blog. I just can't help but feel sorry for MY blog because it is fast becoming a stage for clowns and jesters. Oh well, I hate dealing with inerudites, anyway. It makes me feel like I belong to the lower class. My professors will be disappointed.

This is why I miss blog in its infancy stage, the time when only a limited number of people can create and manage one. Bloggers back then were not mere whiners, they actually make sense. They post entries with substance written in an eloquent way. Even when they have to say something bad about somebody, they are always able to pull it off without losing breeding and dignity. With creativity and wit, negative emotions were tamed and presented as valuable life lessons. Sorry haters, I want to be this kind of blogger. Wherever you think you are, I can't go that low....

Realizations... Messages...

I think people are miserable because they choose to harbor negative feelings.

"You despise what you can't have" -- an old saying that cuts like a knife. (oops, i heard an "ouch!")

Do we really have to make someone look bad just to feel better?

And yeah, my friend is such a lousy person he deserved to be judged based on some blog entries filled with irrational dramaturgies. Please invite more people to drop their two cents' worth of views about people they don't really know. Thank you.

Of course, I'm affected by the going-ons in your life. You sell dramas like they are pancakes! You see, I'd rather feel sorry for you than those people dying from starvation and incurable diseases. They don't suffer from the same kind of agony you are going through right now, do they?

Racquel is an ASSSShole -- is there something new to it? Write a blog entry about me, send my ego into orbit!

WAHAHAHA!

Parang Upuan ko ung uupuan nya ahh... ahahaha!



Tama nga naman.. sundin na lang natin...

Broken Promises Are Rock-Solid Lies

I love most people, even at times, they can be really annoying. They can do whatever they want -- call me names behind my back, talk shitt about me, and even let them fabricate tall tales. If making me look bad makes them feel better, I'll let them use me as their target of trashing. I really don't mind. I perfectly understand this because I believe ALL people are weird. It's just that the weirdness varies, in forms and degrees. I actually pity them because their weirdness sucks, the kind that is very irritating. But hey, like I already said, I understand it and can even withstand it.

What I can't stand are broken promises. You see, some people told me before that they will give me something great because I deserved it. Armed with nothing more but a strong enthusiasm, I patiently waited. Trust -- I gave this to these people wholeheartedly. Time already worn out the faith of other people around me, but I was still there. I am the one wearing a hopeful smile and a glistening pair of happy eyes. "Stupid body parts", my heart said. "How could you act as if I'm not suffering?"

Days passed and the people whom I entrusted my happiness to are still out of sight. Some show up on certain occassions, but when they do, I consider it even more disappointing. Their faces are now wearing masks of innocence. As if they didn't utter sweet promises before. As if they never did anything wrong that could possibly broke my heart. As if I was nothing. Too bad, I cared for them and will always care for them even if my mind dictates my heart not to.

If your weirdness is insincerity, you are worse than the kind of weird mentioned in the first paragraph. But if your weirdness is trusting people to fulfill their promises to you, you are the worst kind of weird.

Broken promises are rock-solid lies, aren't they? Oh Irony!

Goobye Is A Sweet Invention

I hate myself for being a conformist sometimes.

Why is it that when parting time comes around, all that we could say to the ones who are leaving is "Goodbye"? When in fact, there are so many other words that could best describe how we feel about the whole, sad situation, right? Goodbye is such a weak word; too plain and empty. Behind that word must be a great meaning, but we have no idea what it is. Do we care? At least we have "goodbye". We have something to use when the sad, sad situation hit us so hard that when we try to speak, we know words would only follow after the tears have already fell.

Goodbye is short. We have time to control the emotions after uttering the word. We can try to hide the watery eyes by immediately wearing a weak smile amidst the heavy heart. I know, it's like I'm trying to portray goodbye as a form of faking or some kind of a lie, but I like it a lot. It is such a sweet invention built to cover up the sweetest, yet mushy, stuff. It will be a very good replacement for the words I love you, be a better writer, sorry if I annoyed you, thanks for the friendship, I learned a lot from you, you made me a better person, I will never forget you, you made my stay here worthwhile, thanks for the memories, and I will miss you.

I heard goodbye will be a very in demand word in the coming days. I should know, I am part of the trend. Did I already mention that I hate being a conformist?

I Don't Think So, Buddy...

Hayup ka boredom! Dinadala mo ako sa mga lugar na ayoko namang puntahan! Salamat na rin kasi natawa ko dun ha? Hahaha!

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you”
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

I promised to myself yesterday that I won't be writing a single word this Saturday. However, while trying to find something new and interesting on the web, the browser took me to a disgusting place. A site that made me puke, laugh out loud, puke again, and write because of so much bulllshitt going on there.

They say reading should be a pleasant experience, but this one delivered something so infuriating I had to give up a smirk. For an author who shamelessly abused the beauty of words, a much deserving reward.

If only I were completely clueless of the bittersweet realities of this form of farce called life, maybe I could have lauded you for writing entries that perfectly adhered to the rules of grammar and sentence construction. You are a good writer. However, because I am not a fan of intolerable rudeness and hypocrisy, I'd rather keep my list of "Writers to Look Up To" short than see your name on it.

Hay ang nega-nega nire! Azzzar kasi some tao eh! - HAHAHA!

Obsessing Over Taktakan...

Dancing in all its forms cannot be excluded from the curriculum of all noble education; dancing with the feet, with ideas, with words, and, need I add that one must also be able to dance with the pen? ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Due to the ceaseless inflow of obligatory work-related (read: must do) tasks, my bum rarely gets off the chair, whether I'm in the office or at home. The only parts of my body which experience some workout are my eyes and fingers. My eyes do the reading while my fingers move to retell in a non-derivative way the skimmed and scanned articles. Oh, I forgot to include my brain that I believe is already flecked with shades of black and blue because of the beating it suffered, and still suffers, from trying to understand complicated computer and business terms simultaneously.

"To dance is to be out of yourself. Larger, more beautiful, more powerful. This is power, it is glory on earth and it is yours for the taking." ~ Agnes De Mille

Because of these mentally challenging tasks that require me to sit down, shut up, and enslave myself for long hours, I miss doing some things which I really love. One of them is going to my "exclusive" dancefloor located at the 2nd floor of our house; the wide open area in front of the radio. I miss tapping my feet, swinging my hips, and swaying my hands all together in the most awkward ways. Forgive me, but dancing makes me happy. The more stupid-looking the moves are, the more I enjoy doing them. Don't worry, I always make sure that the windows are closed whenever I feel the urge to lose my sanity temporarily and relish the wonderful solitary moments with an upbeat music. I want to dance! My body is longing to make love with music. Let me dance, let me dance!

There are short-cuts to happiness, and dancing is one of them. ~ Vicki Baum

Whenever I dance, I feel like I'm in another world. A place where nobody will stare at me and say "dancing is not for you" just because my feet and the rest of my body could not coordinate very well. I want to dance because it is one of the very few life's activities that can really tire me out yet make me feel so alive! When you dance, you are giving yourself the chance to live the life of a person you really want to be, or go back to that happiest part of your childhood. That time when you are so carefree because you don't have any idea how cruel and judgmental the society is, which, unfortunately, you are a member of. During that time, you are not required to understand and follow rules yet. Yes, I recapture those lost memories when I dance. Dancing takes my weary heart and spirit in a place of pure innocence and freedom; happiness in its unadulterated form.

We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~ Japanese Proverb

Tomorrow is Sunday. I will deal with my backlog later in the afternoon and allot generous time for dancing early morning and late at night. I will dance again, I swear, and just to make things new, I think I'll leave the windows open this time... NOT!! Hahaha!

The Guessing Game

I never meant to hide anything from anybody, but I love to be deciphered. Amuse me, tell me what's on my mind. If you're correct, there will be a reward. A grin -- another puzzle -- let me see if you are the type who wouldn't easily give up. If you are wrong, you are entitled to another try. There is really no point in guessing because nothing will be confirmed nor denied.

For 1460 days, it soared. Left a moment the blue sky to perch on a precious stone. A slave and master of omnifarious phraseology, stimulates fiery ardor in my pusillanimous organ of tumtum.

Haaaay...

Dear Reader,

If you know of any method that can help me get rid of this pervertd mind, please tell me about it.


Due to heavy rain and severe case of laziness, I have decided to turn our house into a workplace. Yes, I didn't have enough courage to get out and face the challenges of real world. I stayed at home to be with our four ugly and stinky dogs so I could smell like them for just one day. However, I decided to spend the whole day in front of the computer instead after I noticed that the dogs are trying to avoid me. With a broken heart, I told them, "Offsite ako ngayon...". They just gave me that look that expressed apathy. Oh well...

I thought that by working off-site, I will have the chance to finish my work earlier than usual (usual = late). I was wrong. The presence of Multiply, Blogger, and Friendster made me lose my focus on XML and SSI. I also found other interesting websites that made me forget about my so-called professional duties. Even my vainglory got in the way. I googled my online anonym "naughtykel" and I found the link to my old site where I used to post stories about my crushes and my thoughts about them.

Some entries were real sick! Hahaha! I am so ashamed of everything I've written there! And I even posted my picture! What really bothered me were the comments made by the other members... they were asking the same question! Oh, well... no need to worry now, I already deleted every entry and all those comments that will haunt me for a long time. Hehehe... =)

Baliw, Baliw, Baliw!

After a sumptuous dinner (Kim, it was sumptuous, right?) at Shakey's, Kim and I went to Malate last Saturday night. He was wearing decent clothes while I was struggling to retain confidence with my pambahay outfit - baggy pants and a shirt that looked like as if it had been worn by my mother during her bagets years. Well, the icing on top of the cake were my slippers that are a bit oversized for my feet. Well, that's one weird thing about me. I like my footwears a bit oversized for my feet. But wait, let's not talk about my weirdness for now because I intend to keep this entry short.

So, there, I was wearing a horrendous outfit while walking under a dark sky. It showered us with tiny bits of raindrops that I believe Kim didn't really enjoy for he was always looking for shelter. I hate rain, too, but that particular night, I wanted to be at the center of the crowded street. A crazy thought. If I do that, will the jeepney driver allow an all soaked-up, deranged-looking woman, to hop in his ride? And, of course, how can Kim possibly handle all those strange stares? Those were the thoughts playing inside my head while I was outside Starbucks, waiting for Kim to finish answering a "call".

I found one more hindrance to my plan of getting everybody's attention. Cars. The streets are teeming with cars. My attention shifted from cars to a woman who was wearing dirty clothes, peering through the clear glass walls of Starbucks. I was about to turn my back from my crazy thoughts when a group of people passed by. The girls look like models, runway models, that is. They were wearing make-up and skimpy,trendy clothes (I think everything skimpy now are considered trendy), like the ones seen on TV. They look just the same and they even move in similar, orchestrated ways. My mind whispered something to my other self, "With people like that here, how can I make people believe that I am the one who's crazy?"

How Can I Sue Natalie Williams

Natalie Williams plagiarized me!

-- Haha! I can't believe this...

Time Was Made For Waiting...

Waiting and hoping are the whole of life, and as soon as a dream is realized it is destroyed.
- Gian Carlo Menotti

People queue up to get the best things in life, even if the line is long and the lady inside the booth seems to enjoy taking away one's sweet time. Waiting is said to be the surest way to arrive at that place where success and happiness dwell. This premise looks like it holds some truth in it. But there goes another truth that my twisted mind has created, or realized.

I am one of those people who once preferred patience over aggressiveness. I believe that fate had given me too many free rides before but I refused to hop on because of this thought that played on my mind all those times. This wasn't meant for me. I always see myself as an ordinary person and the opportunities laid down in front of me seem too good to be true. That's why I just closed my eyes and let them pass, thinking I don't really deserve them. So, when I opened my eyes and found them gone, it was really disappointing. However, it was easy for me to accept it because I am, after all, have the lavish of time.

Time was made for waiting. I have spent most of my time tiring myself out by just waiting. Suddenly, I saw myself stepping out of the line. Is this a sign of impatience? I don't think so. I just realized that it isn't really success or happiness that I wanted all along. Fulfillment. That was just it. And I don't think I will find that treasure at the end of the line. Why? Just because the people who were there lining up with me to have a heyday on the bed of roses wear the same worn out faces, or masks. Whatever it is, I'm not interested in having it.

To wait is to let yourself experience a lonesome solitude. And the people who chose to wait in vain were not really happy with what they got from the lady at the booth. I'm not saying that the careless ones should be applauded. They, too, have followed the wrong principles and even disregarded the importance of time.

My point is, step up. Don't leave everything to chance. People who play safe are bleeding because they don't want to bleed. By not getting out of your shell, you can hide from the vicious claws of reality. But that means you get to stay in the dark, too. So, if you really want something, grab it; but don't be careless. Don't be careless with other people's feelings. Also, don't be selfish. Give everything you got

Time was made for waiting. So, how long? Well, good luck on your quest of finding a clock that talks.

When Should A First Time Be The Last Time?

while she was nursing my old wounds, somebody gave me a gun and asked me to shoot her. Without hesitations, I pointed it at her head. She heard a clicking sound.

A stare. She didn't look scared or nervous or as if she's about to beg for mercy. The alcohol bottle was left uncapped so its sweet, irritating scent dispersed in the air and hit my nostrils. They didn't enjoy the treat.

"Put on the cap" I said.

"Shoot me first... do it. Make sure you got enough rounds there to finish me off immediately" The matter-of-factly way she stated that order made me tighten my grip on the gun.

"I can do that... " I smiled.

She smirked, and went back to wiping off the blood that trickled down from my chest.

"go ahead, you cripple... Make sure your ego goes on living a normal life again once you pulled the trigger. You insecure son of a bithch... why can't you understand that this is just how fools act in a decent world. We need to hide a part of ourselves that make us complete and just show what actually pleases other people? He owns me. He holds my hand. We become one at times. But after that, I am alone again, a lost soul. And this! This has become my home!"

Darkness and silence go well together, don't they?

"...I don't need you anymore." A lie.

"you are bleeding"
"you've caused this..."
"I know, that's why I am here..."
"Why can't you just pull out the dagger?"

She laughed... a long, hard laugh. I think she finds it really funny because her hand is touching her tummy.

she finally said, "you know we both enjoy being here and doing this..."

Our eyes met. We smiled at first... then a gush of realizations flooded my mind. That's the time we both laughed together, hands on our tummies.

My Morrie is Mrs. Reyes Part 1

Tuesdays With Morrie has made its way to the hearts of countless hopefuls praying for a teacher who carries a magic wand that can turn a senseless life to a journey worth the burdensome traversing. The moving lines uttered by Morrie are like sounds that continue to resonate even in my deepest slumbers. However, that sweet haunting lasted for only a couple of weeks. Now, I can not seem to recall even just a single sentence from the book that used to make me shiver amidst the remorseless heat of the sun. I must admit, I have a poor memory and the fact that I just borrowed the book from a friend didn't help at all. There is no way I could restock the enlightening messages in my brain. I swear, they managed to reach my heart but they couldn't leave a mark on that organ that is as black as the stormy night of the arrival of the seven plagues.

I forgot the lines maybe because I am a born follower of whatever is deemed disgusting and wrong. Or maybe, I never believed that a person like that can ever exist in reality. Whether Morrie is Mitch Albom's figment of mind or a real-life character, I don't really care. Morrie is the author's winning lottery ticket -- someone that means a lot, but, too bad, a person who will least likely come my way. Well, life has its way of effectively rebutting my arguments. Shame, shame, I heard, when Mrs. Reyes walked into my life.

Mrs. Dolores Reyes was my teacher in International Relations, American Government, and Modern Political Theories. I wish she was a bit younger when she served as our professor. At age 74, her ears are not in perfect condition anymore, thus, we needed to repeat whatever it is that we have said with a voice loud enough but still respectful. While most of my classmates were running after good grades to score a Latin honor at the end our senior years in college by reading voluminous books like the penal codes, I preferred taking a seat beside Mrs. Reyes to listen and learn from her stories.

...to be continued. antok na ko eh...

zzzZZ...

Not Good Enough...

I'm thinking of switching to a new career. The kind of job I can be really good at. I hate this feeling of being a wanna-be writer only. I feel very much fulfilled when I finish an article. It is an unparalleled elation my spirit has reached when I see my name below the article title. However, I'm afraid writing was not really the profession destined for me. Once you read my writings, you will definitely agree with me when I say that I am "ordinary". I can only produce outputs which are of "average" quality.

This is not a proclamation of perfectionism on my part. I so abhor people who expect everything to fall on its proper places. Even experts commit grammar mistakes, I know, but grammar is not the reason I feel inscure. Serial commas and subject-verb (dis)agreements were my usual blunders. However, that can be easily corrected with a help of keen eyes. It is thy writing style I don't have. Since high school, I have been writing this way and best believe that some things just won't change. I'm stuck with this pathetic way of constructing sentences. Prepare to be disappointed -- I know very little of the basics of sentence construction. And I don't believe I can further improve and enhance my writing skill anymore. Thus, my deepest apologies go to my English professors, editors and readers. As much as I want to learn more from you guys, thy stubborness wasn't easy to unlearn.

*Sigh* so, what do you think? Should I stay or should I get my Starbucks mug and orange carebear stufftoy seated at my office desk? Is it time for me to write a corporate farewell letter and render unpaid two weeks labor? Damn you, questions! Kel needs time to think.

Speaking of questions.... OMG! Tomorrow is judgment day in U.S Embassy. Lots of questions waiting to be answered. Wish me luck!

Disorganized Thoughts

Thoughts and ideas are running crazy all over my mind. I do have stories to share but I can't seem to make my brain work properly right now. My fingers are just stuck on the ASDF (spacebar) jkl; keys. So the following is just a rundown of what happened from may 30 - june 1.

May 30, 2007 (wednesday): I missed work. Had to visit St. Luke's extension clinic. I lack required docs so I went to NBI and Manila city hall instead. Got myself an NBI clearance for travel abroad. Birth cert. with NSO authentication will be released on tuesday.

May 31, 2007 (thursday): I missed work again. Went to St. Luke's. Have undergone physical examinations. Had to disrobe competely. I found exposing my bare body to a stranger a not so pleasant experience. I hated it. I also hated the nurse who extracted my blood. I thought she didn't do a good job. I was right. Read on.

June 1, 2007 (friday): The part where the novice nurse stuck the damn needle hurt. Left around the area is some ugly discoloration. I visited a derma in the morning then went back to St. Luke's in the afternoon. My eyes feasted on something wonderful. Don't be too nosey, it's a secret! Haha! Met Dave at Robinson's Ermita at 6pm. ---- chika galore ----- zzZ in the Makati house at 11pm.

Who's Going Out With Me on Wednesday Night?

Welcome to the Life of a Libran!

LIBRA

Your positive traits:
You are open minded enough to date outside your typical "type" ... successfully!
You are diplomatic - and likely to end a fight instead of dragging things out.
You are easily loyal and faithful, but only for the right person.

Your negative traits:
You're a bit gullible, and partners take advantage of you. You still may not know it.
You find it difficult to decide where to go to dinner, what movie to watch, who to date...
You have to be in a relationship, or else you just don't feel like yourself.

Your ideal partner:
A smooth talker who enjoys socializing as much as you to.
Someone classy and cultured who knows which wine to order with dinner.
Is beautiful to you - although not necessarily attractive in the traditional sense.

Your dating style:
Romantic. If your date comes bearing flowers, wine, and poetry... well, your heart soars.

Your seduction style:
Giving. Your lover's pleasure is as important as your own.
Soft and sensual - you don't like anything to be rough.
Extravagant ... your fantasy involves staying at a five star hotel with your love.

Tips for the future:
Don't be so quick to compromise in relationships - and you'll get taken advantage of yes.
Try being single for a while. Seems impossible, but you'll learn so much about yourself from doing so.
Make some decisions about your romantic life, right now. You'll be happy that you did.

Best color to attract mate: Green

Best day for a date: Wednesday

CALL ME.
hehehe.

May tinapos na kabaliwan. May sinimulan naman.

May tinapos na kabaliwan. May sinimulan naman.
May tinapos na kabaliwan. May sinimulan naman.
May tinapos na kabaliwan. May sinimulan naman.

Aargh! Sina Pan at Doms lang makakaintindi nito. Nakawala na ko sa nakaraan para makulong sa kasalukuyan. Hehe! Labo!

iba naman, iba naman....

My writing carreer is asking me to marry him.
He asks for too much.
He demands a lot of my time!
He pushes me to my limits!
He is such a pain in the ass...
But I love him so much.

Should I marry him and leave my other "flings"
like
Adobe Photoshop
Painting
Webdesigning
Law Study
Master of Arts in Philosophy degree
Weekly tomaan and galaan
?
??
???

Million Dollar Baby Damulag

It was just last April 16 when I marched at PICC to receive my college diploma. Exactly one week after, I got hired by Intelligraph and currently, I am processing the pre-employment requirements such as the SSS membership, NBI clearance, PhilHealth... etc. I've been given one week to accomplish the tasks and I must admit that so far, after 2 days of going to many different places, queuing up in many long lines, paying for the services rendered to me and doing all these with limited financial resources, my body is now complaining and asking for just one thing - rest.

Wait! I know what you're thinking, 2 days are too short a time to start grumbling. Of course, I still haven't told you that my feet never stopped roaming the busy streets of Ortigas to attend job interviews, jobs fairs and exams since the day I graduated. You probably don't have any idea that I'm also haggling at ukay stores for formal clothings, a task which requires a good amount of time and energy so as to find decent buys... remember, I'm running on low budget and I don't have a big wardrobe of formal wears so ukay goods will do, at least just for now. After attending to those grueling missions, I still lend some time to accompany my friends in their own quest of finding the job that'll suit their talents.

Truth be told, all these are tiring. Sometimes, I couldn't help but complain, especially at times when I cant seem to find the logical link between the task at hand and my goal. I couldn't understand why some private firms' services are worse than that of government's and why some public servants don't love their job and couldn't hide it. I can't understand why some people wouldn't have the discipline to fall in line but are adept in finding ways to double-cross those who seem "weak" to their eyes. But you know what's weird? After being able to accomplish my tasks for the day, I still go home wearing a smile on my face. The reason for this is not just the fact that I'm already hired, but the reality that my time was used in productive activities. I feel like as long as I know that something is worth working for, I will use up the last drop of my blood just to get it done. At the end of the day, I may reach home drained of energy (and a bit of sanity, too) and out of money, but my heart will be teeming with gladness because I know that I am, little by little, making my dreams come true.

In the movie "Million Dollar Baby", Clint Eastwood's character said this line after asking Hillary Swank's character if she's already tired of her boxing training with the former -- "Just go on. You can rest when you're dead"

I want to rest now, but I believe I will have a lot of time for that in the future, so, corporate world.... Veni, Vidi, Vici!

Cure to Disappointments: Apathy

APATHY: A state of not caring; not wanting to know; complacency; indifference; to ignore; disinterested in contemplation; anesthetized by popular culture; a postmodern intellectual narcosis; compassion fatigue; too lazy; too busy; self-indulgence; limited choices in work and leisure-time; non-reflection, non-deliberation and subconscious blocking of distressing information.

Do not say sorry. I wasn't hurt. Forget about it.

Onus, Dolorous, Erudite

googled image only, i certainly am not a guy.. =D

If you consider yourself an erudite (I've used it! For the first time! No! 2nd!) and you know the meanings of the words I've used in the title of this post, then good for you! I wish the range of my vocabulary is as wide as yours because that could have helped in my job screening yesterday! Argh!

The written exam is designed to test our grammar and vocabulary skills. I'm confident in my answers in part 1, which is the grammar test. But in the other half of the exam? NOT! Although I know the meaning of other given high-falluting words in the exam, I know the probability of getting the job I've applied for is very little. I believe so because older (older=more experienced) applicants were also there taking the test with me. Moreover, I read that that company hires only the best, and being a newbie in the corporate world, I don't think they'll consider me as one of the best... at least not yet. Well, if they hire me, I could prove to them that I'm mad to work and desirous of everything at the same time, the one who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"

I'm starting to become a beatnik! Hahahaha!

Madness

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!" - Jack Kerouac

Is he talking about passion? The rare kind, the same kind I have never ever felt and will never ever have the chance to feel? That wonderful feeling of positivism towards every undertaking; an overflowing enthusiasm that takes hold of one's being so he could climb the top and believe faithfully that he'll stay there for a long time? That insatiable confidence in the abilities and talents he possesses? Like what he has is something so unique that he considers it, not the best, but incomparable? The undying belief that if a bad thing happen, there must be something really good to come?

Or is he talking about plain madness? The kind that had always been inherent in me? That feeling of unexplainable fright to do or take something, because it's so damn hard, but I'll do it anyway because I'm so used to failures already that another one would hardly make any difference. Giving all you've got, even if it pales in comparison with what others have, even if it's so tiring and frustrating, just to show you are able and finding out in the end that, well, it's good enough. And you're so proud of yourself that you start thanking all the people who have become a part of your life, including those who didn't play a big part in your success; even those who have been critical of you or doubtful in your abilities; even those who have just lend you his/her ballpen once... you suddenly love the humanity you once abhor...

I think I really didn't understand the quote.... oh well. I'll just pick an easier one later. hehe.. like, time is gold.. yeah... that will do.

Come out! Come out!

"come out! come out!" - these were Simon Cowell's words to Ryan Seacrest during one episode of A.I. These are the same words I want to say to somebody now, but can't, because... well, what I have is just a funny feeling and I don't have sufficient evidence to support my allegation. In addition to that, I want to pass on being mean for a while... to pay respect to the recent holy week. Haha! Ok, ok... I don't wanna hurt his feelings.. he seems so fragile! hehe!

Anyway, this person I'm talking about, he appears to be gay to my senses. I don't know, I do hope that he's not, but... tsk, I think I'm pretty much sure about it. (So what, Racquel? Why so bothered?) I'm not bothered!! I just find him funny sometimes. He does things to cover up the truth, but the more he tries to hide it, the more his true identity shows. Lesson: It's ok to hide something, but don't make blatant moves that say "look! I'm hiding something!"... it's sick and crazy and funny! I know I'm not the only one who holds the same opinion about this person... it doesn't take a genius to decipher his true identity.

I find it hard, too, sometimes, to go out not wearing the acceptable mask. I kept on reminding myself that there's no use pleasing the society when in reality, the society doesn't really care about you. Society in general is just a collection of selfish, phony and shallow people, so why even try to belong? Answer: The sad reality --- in every person, there's a part which is either selfish, phony or shallow, and growing up doesn't happen overnight. So, yeah, I'm a fool playing a role sometimes... pathetic, right? Society, I so abhor it but it has become apparent that I'm part of it. But I'm fighting, I swear I'm fighting hard to make changes and I know changes should start within me.

It should start within us, right ***?

(name will be revealed if author is ready for counter-attacks) hehe....

Fruit Salad Wisdom

apples not discussed, googled image only

Lenten season means boredom season. I'm not saying that it is for everybody, I'm only applying it to myself because, really, you can not expect unreligious people to be productive in a religious time, especially if it's a commemoration of Jesus' death. Anyway, I'm not here to brag about this apathy I feel towards religion, this post doesn't intend to give way to a religious debate. I'm telling you, I don't have any plausible argument against religion. I don't have the time to waste making one.

Anyway, because it's lenten season, I'm stuck here in my Cainta empty palace doing nothing more than eating, sleeping and surfing the net. I feel so unproductive that sometimes, I surrender to my conscience and wash the dishes. Today, I ate the last of Ate Lani's fruit salad and while indulging in the sweet, mouth-watering (drool, baby, drool!) treat, some weird things just came flowing through my mind (like the salad has some illegal substance in it).

The fruit salad includes these fruits: pineapple, papaya, nata de coco, cherries and grapes. There were lots of pineapples and papayas and a good number of nata. But the cherries and grapes, I had to run my spoon through the bowl just to spot their hide-outs.

Why do fruit cocktail cans are usually filled with more pineapple and papaya and less cherries? (grapes were separately bought) is it because the formers were cheaper? and the latter is more pleasing to the taste bud? yeah, i think so. I just realized that I would rather scour the entire bowl of fruit salad for cherries than satisfy myself with the abundant pineapple or papaya bits... hmm.. well, I envy the people who are easily contented, they are happier because they don't suffer from waiting... good for them... but I know I will still look for my cherries... (forgive my blatant exhibit of the developing insanity)

the problem is, what if there is really no cherry left in the fruit salad?

lamang tiyan din naman ang pineapple ah... kaya ayun, kinain ko rin.

GoodBye Gina!

The girl who rocked A.I's Season 7

Gina Glocksen, the resident rocker of season 7 of the hit show American Idol wasn't really one of my bets, but her farewell surely disappointed me because I know she has a better singing prowess than Haley or Phil... and.. don't even get me started with Sanjaya..

I don't wanna be mean to anyone... I know that being one of the top 12 is enough assurance that he or she has the talent or the potential to be the next American Idol... because the 3 judges, and not yet the US residents, are the ones who determined the dozen finalists. But Sanjaya, he's beginning to be an awful joke in the contest. I read in an on-line article about other idols being annoyed at the questionable, prolonged stay of the 17 yr. old Sanjaya. Can't blame 'em.. true, if I were them, I will find it truly frustrating to be competing with a person who has nothing more than a large fan base and an unripened talent.

But hey, at least when Gina was announced as the latest casualty of the show, many showed a sign of disapproval and disbelief. For Sanjaya, maybe it'll be just plain relief.

go to hell... both of you.

This is not written out of bitterness. Maybe out of wrath because I am a pathetic loser of your game. Maybe out of self-pity because I fell so deep in love with your lies. Or maybe out of confusion because you made me feel two ambivalent emotions, that of the extremes of love and hate.

You will get yours someday, worse than the kind of pain I am feeling right now. Worse than your little brain could ever imagine.

I just wish that someday, your partner (your 2nd and the... 11th, 12th or 13th?) who, I believe, you fell in love with while your eyes were closed, will not leave you (that means **** would have to stay as dumb as he is right now) even if he found out about your dirtty extra-curricular activities.

Fool him. Fool yourself believing that you've moved on from that heartache where your bestfriend was the traitor. I'm leaving your sick old childish games. Finally, you gave me a reason to take back all the good things I said about you... You don't deserve all those praises. You've hurt too many people... enough reason for you not to be happy.

Well, I know you're not really happy now anyway. Still living a lie, eh?

Perfect blog title? Swak? Wait for my next posts... things might get a little bit nastier than this.

LONGER

I missed her again, even if I can't remember her face anymore because it has been more than three months since the last time I saw her. But that doesn't matter. I don't need to remember her face, it really wasn't all that pretty and unforgettable. There is something about her that caught my attention and I know it isn't just her face.

Still wondering. Why can't I forget her? I've forgiven her... or maybe not, because there's really nothing to apologize for. I was hurt, but whether it was caused by her or self-inflicted isn't really important to know anymore. I will still feel the pain. I will still be wishing for her to come back and be my friend.

And when that day arrived, I will ask her to stay, longer than she intends to,
longer than I expect her to,
longer than she thinks I want her to,
longer than I wished for,
longer than the destined duration for her to be beside me...

longer than forever.

time for transformation

maybe it's time for some changes.. not just minor ones, I'm talking about a full transformation. Ron told me, because she heard me telling to doms about the incident of seeing kermit's best friend at school, that if I want something to happen, I just can't leave it all to chance. I've heard it all before, that I'm too slow or I'm not too aggressive in getting the things I want. I'm not insistent enough. I complicate things which are a no-brainer to others. In short, it takes me sooo long before I act on something that the right time to do it already passed.

I need to change. I want to change, really, but I really don't know how and where to start. I was afraid to change before because I want acceptance. But from what I have noticed, people don't really care if you change, as long as they could still benefit from you. They won't care if you shift your style of humor from witty to sarcastic as long as you can still make them laugh. They won't care if I post negative things about other people on my site as long as it isn't them I'm talking shit about. They don't care and they won't give a damn unless it has something to do with them.
Now, I'm going to change.

I will change. I still don't know how and where I'm going to start but I'm telling you, you'll notice it and you only have two choices: love me or hate me.

ending the frustration...

yesterday, I invited a few friends to come over at our place to celebrate with us, because my brother just got married. Apparently, they have more important things to attend to - kim, his scheduled volleyball game; jean, her thesis; leo and jake, their classes. I texted the others but maybe, they were so busy that they can't afford to lose even a few seconds of their time to text back. Even Dave didn't make it because Sir Hec ordered him to re-tally the answers in the thesis survey returns. I got depressed... not because of their absence at the party, but because I remembered Kermit again, and have managed to come up with bitter realizations.

If only things were the same as before, I know Kermit will be there. The only one who will be there. That's the exact reason I love Kermit so much, she finds ways to be there for me. You can say that I'm being irrational because what was missed, after all, was just a party. You may not know this, but when I need to go to a particular place, she would always offer herself as company. Throughout my life, no other person did something like that for me. Nobody could claim that they missed the more important things to be there for me. Nobody but Kermit. So even if my heart is still suffering from an excruciating pain her reckless abandon have caused, I won't let people ostracize her for being a heartbreaker that she is. She deserve some credits.

This is not an attempt to bring back what was lost. I'm not hoping to gain back the relationship I had with Kermit. Honestly, I don't want her back. What's done is done, just move on and don't regret it. I don't miss the person, only her actions. Remember that line from Matchbox 20's "Last Beautiful Girl"? The one that you wrecked won't take you back...

Another thing, why is it so easy to say "no" to me? Kermit said "no" to me, people I invited said "no" to me. As I recall happenings in the past, I noticed that there are more rejections of my propositions than acceptance. Is it an "oh, it's just racquel" thing? I got the message - I'm not that important. Yes, I'm venting out. I'm tired of keeping to myself my negative observations. Let truth be known, I'm more sensitive and less understanding than you think I am. Or you could say that I'm just a damaged person. Damaged by people's insensitivity to my needs. It's all so disappointing.

My report is about social groups in our soc anthro class. According to what I've read, a group can be classified as Primary or Secondary. A primary group's end is to strenghthen the tie that binds them, therefore, improvement of relationship. A secondary group builds a relationship because they want to achive a certain goal, therefore, strenghtening the tie is just a mean to an end. Why am I telling these things here? simple. from what I observed, the people whom I thought I have primary relationships with showed signs that my relationship with them is just a secondary one.
I understand that the people I expected and trusted to be there for me were doing the 'more important' things in their lives. They need to do those things. Ok, let me pretend I perfectly understand it. It's not you guys, I'm just so lost right now... I wish you have an idea about it. If you do, you'll perfectly understand too why I'm behaving like this...

People said I lost some pounds... I actually did. From 160 lbs last january, I now weigh less than 150. The secret? Everytime I wake up, it's already the thought of kermit occupying my head. Appetite lost. I'll eat a little in the morning then go on with my day. In the afternoon, my stomach already hurts but I won't feel it. Why? Because my heart hurts more. When I get home at night, I'll play badminton with my brother because it keeps my mind away from reliving the bitter sweet memories. My body's so weak but I feel weaker inside. I can't turn to food and rest for salvation... what I need is something money can't buy... and she's so far away.

I hope the drama ends here. I'm tired... so tired.

Surprise! Surprise!

Papasok ako kanina sa aking iskul nang mamataan ko ang isang pamilyar na mukha. Nakadama ako ng panandaliang paghinto ng pintig ng puso at pagbalik nito, mas mabilis na kaysa sa normal. Nakita ko si Kris, ang bespren ni *toot*... napangiti na lang ako. Dati kasi, nung mga panahong maraming tanong sa isip ko tungkol sa biglaang pagkawala (o pag-alis) ni tae, gustong gusto kong makita si Kris. May mga pagkakataon pa ngang tumatambay ako sa Freedom park para lang hintayin ang kanyang pagdaan. Gumawa pa ko ng sulat para kay tae dahil alam kong halos araw-araw silang kung magkita. Pero kanina...

Dumaan lang ako sa harapan nya. Hindi ko alam kung nakita nya ko... kasama ko kasi ang kaklase ko sa P.E nun kaya hindi ko na rin nagawa pa siyang lapitan. Midterm exam kasi namin sa P.E.

Dumaan muna ako sa opisina ni Doms para ibalita ang nangyari. Sabi ko sa kanya, gusto kong lapitan si Kris, pero may posibilidad kasi na hindi nya rin ako kausapin (baka tulad din sya ni tae). Wala naman syang masyadong reaksyon, sabi nya lang, "bakit hindi mo lapitan?" sagot ko, "hindi na rin yata kasi ako interesado malaman pa ung mga bagay na gusto kong malaman noon eh.." dumating si Jen at iniwan ko na sila.

Pumunta kaming ARH bldg dahil doon daw kami mag-eexam. 4th floor un kaya nag elevator na kami. Pagpasok ko, nandun si Kris. Nginitian nya ko, nginitian ko din naman sya, pero yun lang. Hindi nya gusto magsalita, ayoko rin namang magsimula. Alam ko marami syang alam. She knows the answers to all of my questions. Sadly, I'm not interested in knowing the answers anymore.

I'm happy. I thought seeing Kris will be like facing the King of Pain again. I was wrong. I actually felt as if I'm the one who should be asked a lot of questions. "Ok k n b?" "Kumusta ka na?" Hehe. Ma-feeling lang?

Ang gaan ng loob ko. Ang gaan-gaan ng feeling. Uy, itutuloy nyang ikanta yan... hehe.

I Wanna Be Bad...

Lately, I have running out of realizations. Finally, I got tired of thinking. But instead of feeling relaxed, I've become more restless. I have no more interest in making sense of the happenings that go on in my life. Tired of figuring out the meanings, God's purpose and possible reasons why things happen. For one moment, I decided that I shouldn't always be understanding... that more often than not, I am the victim of other people's irrationality, so why not choose to become the predator this time? Yes, I'm tired of being nice and kind because I noticed that being such is only allowing myself to be the target of other people's cruelty. Why should I even be one? I'm not after that promised heaven anyway because never did I imagine myself flying around with fluffy wings, dressed in some pristine white clothing. I don't even know if I will ever be ready to face God... I think nice people are nice because they are after these rewards. Being God-fearing is typical characteristic of nice people. If you know someone who isn't God-fearing but is nice and kind, tell me coz I'm interested in meeting my own kind. hehe.

So, I want to be mean... where do I start? Oh, backstabbing. The favorite hobby of the people around me. But wait, I think I'm already exercising that, and I'm actually good at it! I can actually point out every weaknesses of all people I know. I'm that good! I have one question though, what if I do have something good to say about each and everyone too? That would make me an appreciative backstabber, right? I know there are people out there who are aware of the backstabbing I do behind their backs, I dare them to step forward and ask for confirmation. I'll tell them the truth. I backstab not because I want to make an ugly portrayal of their being in front of others, I backstab because I know these people can't accept the truth and it would hurt them too badly that they'll start defending themselves, denying and doing counter-attacks. Chaos is an outcome which I'm not interested to witness or be a part of. What I am doing is only discussing to other people one's attitude (not the person per se) and try to find out if they have the same observation about the person. Therefore, even if you call that backstabbing, I won't feel guilt because my moral fiber tells me with conviction that it is not. Backstabbing is calling someone a bitch just because you don't have the same hot body and is therefore not receiving the same amount of attention that bitch receives! Backstabbing is ridiculing your classmate behind her back by spilling that she has B.O but you never really tried to mention it to her because all your answers in all exams were taken from the test paper of that smelly but brainy classmate of yours! Backstabbing only happens when you make someone believe that he/she is your friend when in reality, the friendship you claim to exist is only lip-service. The element of betrayal of trust should exist first before you can qualify it as backstabbing. For the sake of the self-righteous and dogmatic readers of this entry (who are probably backstabbers in some ways or in some days), you don't have to agree with me. Call me a backstabber anytime you like. Anytime.. you can do it upfront or... behind my back... :)

I wanna be bad. I wanna be harsh and mean. I wanna be hated by many. Be a modern day Hitler. Bully the bullies. Belittle those who pretend to be smart. Make the heartbreakers cry some tears too. Embarass those who don't know how to show respect. Spit on the dirt-free faces of the posers and hypocrites. backstab the backstabbers. hate evil.
Gee, what an evil plan. bwahahaha!

My Love

It's ok.. if you have decided long ago, even before you met me, that your heart will belong to somebody else, or will be shared only to a fortunate few, which doesn't include me. It's ok if you could only let me watch them come and go, as long as they make you really happy. It's ok if you'll hold my hand only to let go of it once they're already around, because I completely understand the fact that it's worse losing them than losing me. It's ok if you think that I will leave you because I want you just for myself... but you should not fool yourself into believing that I'd be that shallow. I will be here for you, no matter what... just don't close the door if your room's already full and reserve a little space for a love that can be so great. My Love.

I could not really ask for more. You helped me get through the heartbreak that almost killed me, figuratively speaking. With your presence, I was out of the dumps, I found my worth that I almost believe I never had. You saved me... and made me realize that I could not be the savior all the time. I thought it's wrong to be weak, but it's really ok to be like that if it's you who is destined to show up and teach me the right way to be strong. And strength cannot be measured by how long you could hold back the tears or how soon you could forget the person who hurt you... strength is being ready for tomorrow without regretting whatever happened in the past. I consider my past a struggle to be here, the now. And right now, I feel so blessed because you made the present worth all the wait and pain. You, My Love.

Famous Last Words...

…I’m not ready yet? Nope. I’m not trying to write another entry with passages of a song, I’ll just be using Jars of Clay’s song title to describe the words “thought so” because indeed, those were the famous last words of, uhmm, wait, I know the person I’m talking about here is not really into reading blogs, but people who knew us both might take a peek so I might as well give that person a codename. Let’s try Kermit. Hahaha! (Hmm.. bakit kaya?! Hehe!) Ayun, si Kermit nga. Those were Kermit’s famous last words. Y’know what, Kermit? You should’ve just told me all the upsetting, unspoken words in your mind because, after all, I knew they were disappointing anyway. What’s the use of keeping it all inside when I already read it in your eyes the last time we spent time together? Too bad, I won’t have the chance to thank you personally for all the changes you brought into my life. You were the sweetest person who walked into my life… yep, past tense. I always thought you were the best that I even thought of welcoming you again if ever you decide to come back. But I guess our friendship never really mattered to you because you left just like that. I understand you, we only met last June and our friendship wasn’t fully developed. 6 months may not be enough for you to consider exchanging of formal, heartfelt goodbyes if ever you needed a moment of solitude; to organize your life on your own or without me in it. It never really occurred to me that it was just 6 months that we’ve known each other because it felt as if we’ve known each other for years! Ok, my fault. A wonderful thought like that, even how wonderful it is, is a step outside the boundaries of reality. Truth is, it was just 6 months for you, already 6 months for me.

I’m not waiting for you anymore. Waiting is a form a suicide, if I may quote a line from ate vanna’s poem. When you left, I thought my world has ended. But I realized that only in the dictionary that the words end and beginning are antonyms, because if we are to use them in life situations, they can be synonymous terms. When you ended something between us, something actually began. You departure was an indispensable element to the start of that something. I just hope that something good already began in your life.

One Last Wonderful Day

Friday night, I was at the LRT Recto station waiting for the next train to Santolan when I saw a woman carrying a child on her arms. She was talking with the security guards and though I’m not really interested in what they were talking about, I had an earshot of their conversation because I’m only a few steps away from them. The lady with the child said: “Sabi kasi nila patay na, e nasa palengke pa ako nun kaya nagmadali na lang ako umuwi, tapos nung dumating ako dumilat pa sya, kaya heto dinala ko agad.” I was intrigued so I looked again at the child who I barely noticed when I arrived there. I was taken aback by the sight of the little girl on the woman’s arms. The child is really, and I mean really, thin. How thin? Put your two fingers together and you’re already having a glimpse of her arm. I’m not being pessimistic here when I say that that child would only have but a few months to live with the kind of body she has. I turned my eyes away from the unbearable display of life’s reality and preoccupied my mind with other thoughts. I don’t want to stare a long time like what other people did. By staring at the mother and child, they thought they could show that they care, but I think watching people in such pitiful condition only shows the incapability of most of us to offer a help that is really needed because we conceive sympathy as a valuable aid when in fact it is not. I always refuse to sympathize, believing that I’m only allowing one to go for a dip in a drowning pool of self-pity when I try to commiserate. Anyway, thank God it’s already the last station and I managed not to look at the subject of murmurs and stares in the train. I decided to let the others go first to avoid having the glimpse of that little girl, but when I was about to go down the stairs, I saw the little girl. She saw me too. Our eyes met. I turned my back because my eyes welled with tears. I couldn’t control the crying. I cried not because I pitied her frail body or because of the idea that one mother will lose a child anytime soon. I cried because I didn’t see any sign of unhappiness or pain in the child’s eyes. I’m not saying that she was otherwise, but I think what I saw was acceptance of fate, that she is ready to let go.

I entitled this “One Last Wonderful Day” because that’s what I prayed to God for them. I asked Him to give the child one last wonderful day here on earth before He decides to carry the child on his loving arms up in heaven.

Huhu.. From Ate Vanna's Site... huhu talaga

Do i have to kiss everyone?

your words and actions
breeds more question everytime,
you are a comfort to mebut you rock the boat.

you soothe the old wounds
but somehow preparing me for new ones,
what are we to each other?

when i say i can't be brave enough
to tell you how i feel
would you take the leap?

If you'd only let me know
that the hand you offer is indeed for me,
i would not hesitateto cross a green light.

For now, we're sitting on the fence
wasting time
pretending to be "just friends".

Somebody Frustrates Me...

Some people just don't know how to control their emotions. I wish they could. I'm not saying that one should just keep his emotions all inside him, what I'm saying is, learn how to express them in a way not burdensome to others. Be a master of your emotions and not become a slave to them. Heck, I also feel frustrations and heartaches, but never did I try to tell the whole world about it. WHy should I? So people could offer pity or sympathy? Do I really need them? Hell no.

I admit that loneliness could sometime cause me to beg for attention or love from others but I only do it so they could help me get rid of the loneliness by means of appreciating each other's imperfections. Other people want to get rid of their miseries by projecting nice, presentable masks to their target potential friends so they will look more acceptable. True, people will buy the nice, presentable masks but only for a short time. WHy? Because humans have instincts - they could see through the masks and sooner or later, they will find out that behind the mask is a worn-out face trying to please everybody. If your target potential friend is a great person, he would choose to stay to help you get through the crisis, but if not, he'll leave you on the side of the road, nodding his head and saying to himself... "I wish you could've just shown the real you..."

They Deserve This...

This is sad. I think I still can't make up my mind about some things even if I am suffering... even if other people around me are also suffering. As usual, I'm trying to be vague as much as possible, just to conceal things that nobody really need to know.

You say you can see through me. you claimed you care. but like the other people who came, you are bound to leave. so don't blame me if I do things that could hurt you. I'd rather hurt you to make you leave earlier than you intend to stay because it will lessen the misery you are about to leave behind.

There you are, waving your hand at me. A signal I can't understand. I guess all your likes pose that kind of signals because you are uncertain yet you can't resist the thought of a new lover promising a new way of showing affection. Reality check... maybe you are just bored. I hate people who use other people as a form of scapegoat from boredom.

And you... yeah, you young debonaire. I hate your guts. I hate players. I hate you. But... too bad, you'll never get to know it. I'm usually not good in acting, but if it's your show, I'll give you one hell of a performer. You're my idol, I learned so much from you. Thanks for teaching me how to play the role of a perfect deceiver. You are fake. I will be fake. Why try truth? People around us seem to buy more of the lies rather than truth. We are young, right? WE don't need truth. Maybe not this time.

You, my reader, think twice before you act. I'm damaged, that's why I'm saying these things. This is my way of killing anger. Please don't try my style. I have not been successful in this.

I'm living a crazy life right now. You know what crazy means? It's when you choose to do the less important things rather than attend to the more important ones... just because the latter seems to be more enjoyable, when the truth is, the former are just too challenging and tiresome.

Last Wednesday night, I chose to go with Dave to visit his friend in a casino. I have classes every thursday so I knew about the probability that I would miss my 9AM argumentation class again if I dared to come home late. I'm really worried about my standing in that class because of my obnoxious habit of being late. I already missed two quizzes but you know what? I chose to stay at the casino until past 4 o'clock of thursday morning. Dave and I stayed at McDonald's P. Campa until 6AM.. I got home at 7:20. My legs are aching but I hurriedly went to the bathroom so I can attend Ma'am Mercado's class. As I was about to grab my bag, I glanced at my watch and quietly thanked God for giving me 1 hour for travel time.

While at the LRT, I kept on glancing at my watch as if the time's going to cheat me by trying to move too fast. I searched for my celphone to check for messages - 1 message received. It was princess saying that Ma'am Anna won't be able to attend to our class.

Bullshit.

So, I when I reached Recto, I went straight to a computer cafe to look for more files related to our research study. When I was about to log-out, I received a message from Andrew saying that Sir Fojas won't be able to attend our next class and, yeah, he assigned some paper work...

Crap.

I don't know if I should be thankful. I skipped sleeping just to attend their classes. But it seems that they skipped classes to give me time to rest, although it wasn't really the case.

Last Friday, Dave and I were supposed to have an overnight at our house to finish our thesis that we must pass today before 12noon. But because Dan communicated his intention of having a post birthday celebration at Leo's place, I immediately texted Dave to let him know that the overnight was off and the I must attend the inuman instead. If Mrs. Reyes will find out about this, she'll say "You're not thinking" Yes, Ma'am. It's just now that I realized that I've been thinking too much about the future that I don't get to enjoy the present. I realized that the present is actually the future I've thought too much about in the past but until now, I still don't feel as if my plans are getting done because I got no satisfaction from refraining from doing things I should've done. I'm not really sure what I'm talking about here... (this is exactly what I said to myself last night while doing our research)

Anyway, back to inuman with Dan and High School friends, I was saddened by the number of people who showed up. There were just 4 guys: dan, kim, tj and leo. Girls? Asa pa. It's a good thing Danielle agreed to come with me. I think they enjoyed having Danielle there. Nakzs. I'm sure Danielle is not the type who visit blogsites so I guess she won't be able read this entry but still, I want to thank her here for being a good company that night... and the following morning at Mcdonalds PRC. Wow, 7AM-10:30 AM kami nagkwentuhan!

When I was younger and less mature, I never imagined myself being with the I-don't-care type of people. I look down on them as if they are garbage in the society. People with no clear-cut goals in life infuriated me. But, unfortunately, it turns out that I'm destined to be one. Hehe! So... yeah, I'm living a crazy life and I don't think I have the time to explain. =D

the debate...

[ the debate ]

danilo and I, as a team, were one of the first two teams who laid down arguments for and against the motion "Immigration laws are harmful to migrants". We have assumed that we can win the debate easily because somehow, we've gone through necessary preparations. We don't know how the other team worked their matter, but we know we have a big advantage when it comes to teamwork. It doesnt mean that I'm belittling their abilities to argue, I just would like to point out that josh's partner is an irregular student. It means there's a possibility of conflict in their schedules. We were right in this assumption.

I'm not interested to spill details of the debate that took place, but I'm happy to tell that we won. But it's not the kind of victory that is to be proud of. I mean, where's the glory in winning when you know you haven't been able to exhaust all your potentials? By the way, I only got an 80. I don't know if I should be contented about it or not. why? well, danilo got 84. Our opponents got depressing scores of below 40.. but 80 is still 80, it only looked aceptable when it is compared to much lower scores. I'm not blaming other people for my grade. Hell, I don't think I have the right to blame anyone for it. My point is that I could've done much better. You know, I'm regretting not being able to show them that I have what it takes! It seems that my stage fright is here to stay! One of the comments made by my professor is that I just read my arguments and everything all throughout my speech... ma'am, you don't have any idea... I wasn't reading my notes, I was just pretending to be reading something so I could just look at my index cards and avoid focusing on the audience.. I don't need to read, I made my own arguments, I know them by heart. Second, she said that I failed to further discuss my analysis of the cases I presented. I became lenient on this particular debate. Why? I just don't have the heart to make our opponent feel worse... trust me, I felt that they were praying for me not to further prove my points.

Aarrghh! stage fright go away! you've taken too much already! I wonder what's really my problem... confidence? inferiority complex? fear of evaluation? oh anyway, I think I just need to be thankful for what happened because no matter how much I whine, it can't take back what's already lost. right?

A Flower In Bloom

I made this reflection paper for my Peace Education class.. crazy stories will have to wait, serious matters first! LOLZ!

A single still image can convey a thousand moving meanings. That's exactly what I realized the moment I've been able to view the 60 photo entries competing for the prestigious Angel C. Palanca photo contest with the theme "FEU: Sustaining a Culture of Peace" My impression is that each and everyone of us has an idea of what peace is. I don't know much about photography but there's one entry there that really caught my attention, the picture of a flower with the blurred administration building's facade as its backdrop.

Since I was born, I've been told about how dangerous the world is. When I was a child, my parents would tell me not to talk to strangers or accept things offered by people I don't know. I've been told not to go to some places. I've been told not to do things because they are bad for me. Unfortunately for my parents, their only daughter seems destined to grow stubborn and disobedient. I've dealt with the wrong people and got hurt, physically and emotionally. I've been to places I never should have gone to and got lost, literally and figuratively speaking. I did things that got me into seriously messed up situations, to the point that what has been at stake is my own life. I felt like I'm a soldier going through battles with the complexities of this world. I'm at war… at first, without actually knowing the whole point of what I was doing or what the fight is for. Should I just regret all my previous actions and blame myself if I find my journey pointless and unproductive? Or should I go on, because maybe, I'll come across enlightenment in the end.

Then a bitter-sweet realization struck me – whatever I did, wherever I've gone to and whoever I met, however lousy the people and the situations were, they helped me in my search for the real meaning of peace. We can only appreciate silence only if we've known noise. We can only recognize beauty if we've seen in our own eyes ugliness. We can only be able to understand, bare and heal the inequalities and injustices in the world if we'll see them in the standpoint of a person who has actually experienced them all. Maybe I've met the wrong people, but isolating myself from them wouldn't pave way for my growth. Maybe I've been to all the wrong places, but because of that, I discovered the things most people are afraid to find there, and trust me, they aren't that bad (and believe me, the most interesting people are in the wrong places) Maybe I did the wrong things, but surely enough, they taught me life's greatest lessons. World peace can only be possible if individuals who advocate it are at peace with their inner selves and sadly, it isn't inherent but can only be developed.

So, what does a flower got to do with it? Simple. Our world is in a blurry condition because chaos and confusion reign. People should be like that flower in the picture. It continued to grow and bloom into beauty despite the chaotic environment that surrounded it. The flower offers itself as an inspiration for people to see things in a different light.

The Poems that Says it All...

Ate vanna seem to experience being in situations like mine... hmm.. hehe! Anyway, she wrote this poem that I can really relate to. Haay.. my blog is somehow already hidden because I already changed the subdomain but y'know, I'm still playing it safe... still not dropping names and telling stories indirectly. Call me chicken.. hehe!

Patorpehan Contest

it is easier to walk away
keeping secret
the way we feel...
charging everything to youth,
fooling ourselves
hoping we'll outgrow loving each other.
we try and try to part ways
but we always end up
meeting face to face,
somehow
its a shame
why we couldn't muster
the courage
to say the words
we both already know.

The Top Ten Must Go ON!

The Top Ten Must Go On

No. 8 – Christian Dave Dalisay

I put Dave on the number 8 spot not because there's something great to admire in him. He's not extraordinary, not the intellectual type and not even good-looking. But every time I'm with him, I'm just me – no any kind of pretense at all. This does not imply that I'm fake if I'm with everybody else, it's just that I don't feel the fear of being evaluated when I'm with Dave because in his eyes, I'm just his friend. He was never disappointed in me whenever I failed to keep up to that intellectual standard everybody else had already established for me. He doesn't require me to always do and say the right things and even appreciates me more when I display actions that the whole world disapproves of. Dave knows my secrets and I'm confident and rest-assured that he has no interest in spilling the beans. I'm comfortable of letting him know my thoughts, even the most ridiculous ones. Right now, he's my best guy buddy! I really appreciate him being around and without him, college life wouldn't be as enjoyable (and liberating? Hehe) as it is right now. Thanks Dave! I lalves you! Hahaha!

Sentences End With A Period

Never did I see myself as someone who's perfect. Like any other human, I got my own flaws. I believe even Mother Teresa had her own flaws. We all made mistakes. What makes one greater than the other is the manner of how he managed to transform his weaknesses to become strengths. Perfection is a relative term. Some may see perfection in symmetrical order of things; some may find perfection in a disheveled set-up of things. Well, somebody told me recently that I'm too much of an air-head because she thought I see myself as a perfect person. I was hurt because I thought I didn't need to explain myself to a friend. Maybe she felt the same way when I tried to tell her that her attitude is getting in my nerves. I thought I was just being honest. She thought I was trying to pull her down by pointing out her mistakes. We're both trying to prove our points to each other while no one is really interested in listening to each other's sentiments.

I will not reveal her name here, to save her from my reader's prejudice. This will be just like an open letter to somebody so she will be referred to as "You".

We thought we knew each other that well. We thought that we've known each other long enough to understand each other's flaws. Much to my dismay, we were wrong and it's sad that we have to learn this the hard way. Life disproved the supposition we held in our hearts for too long because you have to admit, we never really loved each other.

You confused me. When I was still angry at you, I really believed in my heart that you had the intention of hurting me because I regard you as someone special. While you were saying that I'm likewise special to you, you are also telling me about some other person that you love. My mind couldn't absorb what was happening; you left me in a state of confusion. There are so many special people in your life and I couldn't accept the fact that I'm just another face in a crowd. The anger wasn't just directed towards you because I was also angry at myself, for not being good enough and for not having enough. You wanted more from me and I just grew tired of trying to prove myself to you.

Then we started to point fingers. You said I gave up on being the same understanding person I used to be. You were trying to imply that I'm selfish whenever I get jealous because jealousy is a sign of conditional love. You want me to be just happy for you every time you tell me you are falling for the other person because it's the sign of true love. But hey, am I the only one required to show care and compassion? The way I see it, you're being inconsiderate of my feelings. It seems like you don't have any real respect for me. When I try to confront you about it, you left me with messages like "I'm not as perfect as you are, don't talk to me". While I was holding back words so as not to hurt your feelings, you say things that have caused my heart to bleed but never did I hear you say sorry. That's how it ended - an exchange of ugly words that we won't have anymore chance to take back to set things right.

My fault? I became too sensitive, the kind of close kin to paranoia. I lost my trust in you. We both have faults that broke our friendship. I'm sorry. I never perceived myself as a perfect person. Actually, I only get to appreciate the person I am when people around me chose to put up with whatever attitude I have. When you made that remark, it sounded more of an insult. Forgive and forget, shall we?

Losing My First Love

Writing for me back then was just a past-time, an optional thing that I will only do if boredom strikes at any time. I wasn't concerned about my grammar or spelling or choice of words at that time, it really didn't matter to me if they scorn the manner I presented my thoughts. For me, the important thing is to be able to express what I believe in and what I feel. Writing gives me freedom. I feel free whenever I have successfully put into writing my ideas. Writing was the outlet of my emotions - it was the reason I could breathe again when a situation or a person had upset me. When I was still in our humble house in Makati, I even remembered saying to myself that if there were things in life that I couldn't live without, two of them would be pen and paper. That's how deep my love for writing is... well, make that was.

I know I've managed to impress people with my writing skills. Friends, classmates, teachers and even those who are already considered "professionals" in the realm of writing. I was surprised. Even if I've been a school newspaper writer in elementary and high school years, I believe I got the chance to be a staffer only because of the fact that school population was small during those years. Furthermore, I wrote only in Filipino language, not in English. Making it to the Advocate is just plain good luck, I guess. Even my brother pointed out to me that I don't have a writing style so no matter how wonderful my ideas are, they won't catch attention. I believed him but I didn't care. So what if I'm not that good, I thought. As long as I have the enthusiasm to put into writing my thoughts and ideas, who cares about writing style? So whenever I hear praises regarding my poems, short stories and essays, I feel really humbled by such show of appreciation to my work because I really think they weren't that great. I felt overrated. Anyhow, I still continued doing what I love and somehow, I've managed to score awards and acknowledgements for it. I feel blessed.

Good writer - a title I have earned that I didn't want to slip out of my hands. As my reputation of being a good writer ballooned, the expectations of the people around me also got bigger. I fooled myself into believing that it was easy to keep up with the expectations. The reputation gave me confidence, too much of it actually that I've become arrogant. It manifested not through my actions though, but through my writings. The need to impress people with my writing skills developed in my character. I've used words that I knew only people with high levels of intellect would understand. I tried to make the wordings complicated, tried to perfect the grammar and tried to put style in my writing. I even resorted to copying other people's ideas and rephrasing them so as to make them appear as if they were my own. During those times, I considered my ideas mediocre compared to the articles I’ve read. I got frustrated, I felt unreasonably insecure. In my quest of improving the old writer in me, I made the mistake of almost getting rid of him. There were no improvements, only unneeded alterations. The output didn't win the approval of the people. My what was then a unique way of writing had become too ordinary, forgettable. It didn't manage to stand-out.

Since then, I avoided writing. I felt like my favorite hobby had been dressed up with over-alls and now it looks like work to me. Writing used to be just a stress-reliever, my scapegoat to the haunting claws of boredom. Now, writing is part of the stress and has become more haunting than boredom. The humble, enthusiastic writer who didn't care about grammar, style and impressing people was lost in oblivion. What was left is a person struggling to win back the respect she owed to herself.

It is true that a good writer is someone who is good in grammar, has a writing style and a wide range of vocabulary and knows how to win the hearts of his readers. But for me, a good writer is someone who doesn't prioritize such requirements because it is like drawing up boundaries to one's self. I've mentioned before that writing gives me freedom. I totally lost that freedom when I chose to keep up with the expectations they set up on me. I lost it the moment I felt the need to impress people. I realized that a writer is good when he has good attitudes and uses them to improve the world through his writings. A good writer never considers his ideas mediocre nor great, he lets the reader be the judge of that. He wouldn't change views just to please his audience. He would, however, be gentle and considerate while being fierce and aggressive at the same time. There's no clear-cut definition of a good writer. A writer defines for himself and by himself the real meaning of it.

I need to go back to my old self again where being able to express my thoughts and ideas my way alone gives me unparalleled contentment. I want to be able to enjoy writing again. My feet are now on the ground, and hopefully this time, I'll be a good writer by following only the set of rules laid down by my heart.